Jokes Master Thread

[yos9694]

And some people eat it under the table

It's only worth discussing the minhagim of ehrliche yidden

[drosenberg88429]

And some people eat it under the table

That's like the people that say Parshas HaMon בעל פה, so they should have good parnassa off the books.

[joe1234]

That's like the people that say Parshas HaMon בעל פה, so they should have good parnassa off the books.

Some people even say parshas hamon 3 times under 3 different names...

[Yehudaa]

[etech0]

A man calls his doctor in the middle of the night and says "Doctor, it's an emergency, I think my wife needs her appendix out"
Doctor says: "I took your wife's appendix out seven years ago. I never heard of anyone having a second appendix!"
Man answers: "Well did you ever hear of someone having a second wife?"

[drosenberg88429]

A man calls his doctor in the middle of the night and says "Doctor, it's an emergency, I think my wife needs her appendix out"
Doctor says: "I took your wife's appendix out seven years ago. I never heard of anyone having a second appendix!"
Man answers: "Well did you ever hear of someone having a second wife?"

Reminds me of one of the blacker Jewish jokes:

A guy calls up the funeral director, and says "I need to arrange a funeral for my wife".

The director asks him "Didn't your wife die 5 years ago"?

"Yes, but I got remarried", answers the man.

"You did? Mazel tov!!!"

[Yonah]

In honor of my dad (z"l)'s birthday, one of his favorites:

Moshe runs into his old friend Chaim on the street. They start catching up. "Nu, Chaim, " says Moshe, "how's work these days?"
"To tell you the truth, I lost my job 2 years ago, and I have been looking ever since."
"Oy vey," says Moshe, " how are you supporting yourself?"
"Auf a Mofes", replies chaim
"Mamish a Mofes?", ask moshe
"No," laughs chaim," Mofes, it's an abbreviation - Medicaire, Welfare, Food Stamps, and Section 8".

[yuneeq]

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is in the USA.

[Kobe Bryant]

My neighbors were just out walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, “I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! “Wow…what a worthy goal,” I said... “But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
“What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!”
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

[justaregularguy]

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is in the USA.

i feel like all the jokes in the world are in creation already. Just wait around long enough and the same jokes come back to you. 

[moish]

Why is there a bridge in NY named after a Polish general? (Kosziusko)

It was supposed to be a tunnel

[YitzyS]

Why is there a bridge in NY named after a Polish general? (Kosziusko)

It was supposed to be a tunnel

Speaking of NY bridges, here's an interesting tidbit:

The Outerbridge Crossing was named after Eugenius Harvey Outerbridge (the first chairman of the then–Port of New York Authority and a resident of Staten Island).

Bet you didn't know that!

[EliJelly]

And here is a classic joke on bridges.

The Romanian Infrastructure minister visited the Russian Infrastructure minister in his house in Moscow, seeing the glam and beauty of his mansion the Romanian minister wondered "Are you really being paid that much that you can afford such a mansion?" The Russian minister smiled, and said "Come to the window, do you see that bridge right across the river over there, that was supposed to cost $100 million, but I'm not stupid, I got it built for $50 million and pocketed the other half for myself.." The Romanian minister nodded in agreement. "Ah, common procedure in Russia"

The month after the Russian minister repaid a visit to his Romanian colleague. Seeing his enormous and gilded palace the Russian minister stunned in awe " Where is this coming from?? My home is a cottage in comparison to this one!" The Romanian minister smirked and walked his colleague to the terrace, "Do you see that bridge right there?" "Nope, I don't see anything!" replied the Russian, "Well" answered the Romanian cynically "There was supposed to be a bridge built over there for $100 million, but I'm not that stupid, I rather built this Palace instead".

 

[justaregularguy]

Speaking of NY bridges, here's an interesting tidbit:

The Outerbridge Crossing was named after Eugenius Harvey Outerbridge (the first chairman of the then–Port of New York Authority and a resident of Staten Island).

Bet you didn't know that!

yes i did. (didnt know the particular person but knew it was the name of a person)

[~King Lake~]

I'm selling the Brooklyn bridge for 50% off