Jokes Master Thread

[drosenberg88429]

A man calls his doctor in the middle of the night and says "Doctor, it's an emergency, I think my wife needs her appendix out"
Doctor says: "I took your wife's appendix out seven years ago. I never heard of anyone having a second appendix!"
Man answers: "Well did you ever hear of someone having a second wife?"

Reminds me of one of the blacker Jewish jokes:

A guy calls up the funeral director, and says "I need to arrange a funeral for my wife".

The director asks him "Didn't your wife die 5 years ago"?

"Yes, but I got remarried", answers the man.

"You did? Mazel tov!!!"

[Yonah]

In honor of my dad (z"l)'s birthday, one of his favorites:

Moshe runs into his old friend Chaim on the street. They start catching up. "Nu, Chaim, " says Moshe, "how's work these days?"
"To tell you the truth, I lost my job 2 years ago, and I have been looking ever since."
"Oy vey," says Moshe, " how are you supporting yourself?"
"Auf a Mofes", replies chaim
"Mamish a Mofes?", ask moshe
"No," laughs chaim," Mofes, it's an abbreviation - Medicaire, Welfare, Food Stamps, and Section 8".

[yuneeq]

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is in the USA.

[Kobe Bryant]

My neighbors were just out walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, “I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! “Wow…what a worthy goal,” I said... “But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
“What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!”
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

[justaregularguy]

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is in the USA.

i feel like all the jokes in the world are in creation already. Just wait around long enough and the same jokes come back to you. 

[moish]

Why is there a bridge in NY named after a Polish general? (Kosziusko)

It was supposed to be a tunnel

[YitzyS]

Why is there a bridge in NY named after a Polish general? (Kosziusko)

It was supposed to be a tunnel

Speaking of NY bridges, here's an interesting tidbit:

The Outerbridge Crossing was named after Eugenius Harvey Outerbridge (the first chairman of the then–Port of New York Authority and a resident of Staten Island).

Bet you didn't know that!

[EliJelly]

And here is a classic joke on bridges.

The Romanian Infrastructure minister visited the Russian Infrastructure minister in his house in Moscow, seeing the glam and beauty of his mansion the Romanian minister wondered "Are you really being paid that much that you can afford such a mansion?" The Russian minister smiled, and said "Come to the window, do you see that bridge right across the river over there, that was supposed to cost $100 million, but I'm not stupid, I got it built for $50 million and pocketed the other half for myself.." The Romanian minister nodded in agreement. "Ah, common procedure in Russia"

The month after the Russian minister repaid a visit to his Romanian colleague. Seeing his enormous and gilded palace the Russian minister stunned in awe " Where is this coming from?? My home is a cottage in comparison to this one!" The Romanian minister smirked and walked his colleague to the terrace, "Do you see that bridge right there?" "Nope, I don't see anything!" replied the Russian, "Well" answered the Romanian cynically "There was supposed to be a bridge built over there for $100 million, but I'm not that stupid, I rather built this Palace instead".

 

[justaregularguy]

Speaking of NY bridges, here's an interesting tidbit:

The Outerbridge Crossing was named after Eugenius Harvey Outerbridge (the first chairman of the then–Port of New York Authority and a resident of Staten Island).

Bet you didn't know that!

yes i did. (didnt know the particular person but knew it was the name of a person)

[~King Lake~]

I'm selling the Brooklyn bridge for 50% off

[Chapshnell]

Speaking of NY bridges, here's an interesting tidbit:

The Outerbridge Crossing was named after Eugenius Harvey Outerbridge (the first chairman of the then–Port of New York Authority and a resident of Staten Island).

Bet you didn't know that!

but was he stable?

[Yo ssi]

I'm selling the Brooklyn bridge for 50% off

On a serious note, I'm selling the other half!

[yuneeq]

i feel like all the jokes in the world are in creation already. Just wait around long enough and the same jokes come back to you. 

It’s an old joke but as a classic it had to be posted. On a side note, there’s nothing worse than the new Covid jokes going around the last few months.

[justaregularguy]

It’s an old joke but as a classic it had to be posted. On a side note, there’s nothing worse than the new Covid jokes going around the last few months.

l'mashal?

[Yonah]

 I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She texted me back and said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect!

I was so happy, I texted it to my best friend and showed it to her, and she asked why I added the apostrophes and the spaces after the "m"s?

[etech0]

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:

"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

[biobook]

One of YitzyS's recent Funny.. Pictures reminded me of this, but I have no picture, so I'll post it here.

It was earlier in the year, when I could still take a leisurely stroll outdoors and meet up with a neighbor.  Sophie is in her 80s, savvy enough to have a smartphone, though sometimes clueless about all that entails, and I've warned her about not giving out personal information.    

She waved her phone at me, obviously upset about something.  "You were right!  They must listen to everything I say!  They want to send me a yahrtzeit!  They know all about me!  My brother died ten years ago this week.  How could they know that? They must have searched through all the records, and now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

An offer of a yahrtzeit licht?  Who could have left that phone message? She's not a shul member, or the target of tzedakah campaigns.  Maybe the JCC, where she goes for senior meals?  Or Chabad, which runs a senior group?   
  
"No, no, it couldn't be them," she insisted, increasingly agitated now at my failure to understand.  "They said they were friends of Mike!  You know him, he's from New York!  What's his name?  He wants to be president!  They know all about me!  How did they find out? They'll do anything to get your vote!  Now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

Oh, now I got it.  The Bloomberg campaign.  It did seem a tad ghoulish for a campaign freebie, but I assured her that they weren't eavesdropping on her.  Lots of South Florida voters are elderly Jews, and they were probably making this offer to everyone in the neighborhood.  

Sure enough, when I got home, I had a phone message waiting from the Bloomberg campaign.  They got me too!  I listened closely to hear the details of this unusual offer.  

"We'd like to send you a yard sign...."

[YitzyS]

One of YitzyS's recent Funny.. Pictures reminded me of this, but I have no picture, so I'll post it here.

It was earlier in the year, when I could still take a leisurely stroll outdoors and meet up with a neighbor.  Sophie is in her 80s, savvy enough to have a smartphone, though sometimes clueless about all that entails, and I've warned her about not giving out personal information.   

She waved her phone at me, obviously upset about something.  "You were right!  They must listen to everything I say!  They want to send me a yahrtzeit!  They know all about me!  My brother died ten years ago this week.  How could they know that? They must have searched through all the records, and now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

An offer of a yahrtzeit licht?  Who could have left that phone message? She's not a shul member, or the target of tzedakah campaigns.  Maybe the JCC, where she goes for senior meals?  Or Chabad, which runs a senior group?   
 
"No, no, it couldn't be them," she insisted, increasingly agitated now at my failure to understand.  "They said they were friends of Mike!  You know him, he's from New York!  What's his name?  He wants to be president!  They know all about me!  How did they find out? They'll do anything to get your vote!  Now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

Oh, now I got it.  The Bloomberg campaign.  It did seem a tad ghoulish for a campaign freebie, but I assured her that they weren't eavesdropping on her.  Lots of South Florida voters are elderly Jews, and they were probably making this offer to everyone in the neighborhood. 

Sure enough, when I got home, I had a phone message waiting from the Bloomberg campaign.  They got me too!  I listened closely to hear the details of this unusual offer. 

"We'd like to send you a yard sign...."

You had me on the first line!

[Yo ssi]

You had me on the first line!

And lost me on the second

[Yonah]

A little early, but give it 11 days to age:

After hearing about the aravot's symptoms (no taam, no re'ach), the lulav and hadasim were both placed in quarantine.  People now understood the wisdom of the etrog, who had been self isolating in a separate box the whole time.
I heard the Ushpizin are also told not to enter because of their age.