Jokes Master Thread

[pointer]

Does that joke apply this year?

No, his wife will be delighted that he finally left the house for 6 hours.

[yos9694]

Even more so, everyone will be a Lubavitcher this year with outdoor minyanim.

Ha!
Maybe it's just where I am, but the cheapest esrogim are flying off the shelves this year and the most expensive tables are virtually untouched. Speculative on my part, but maybe lots of people just don't expect to be seen much this YT.

[yeshivabucher]

Also first day is shabbos and therefore whole mitzvah is not dioraysah

[Kobe Bryant]

Ha!
Maybe it's just where I am, but the cheapest esrogim are flying off the shelves this year and the most expensive tables are virtually untouched. Speculative on my part, but maybe lots of people just don't expect to be seen much this YT.

Repost Alert!!

[Yehudaa]

give me a link and i'll give it a like

#1: https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=115704.msg2229864#msg2229864
#2: https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=5396.msg2327858#msg2327858

[yos9694]

#1: https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=115704.msg2229864#msg2229864
#2: https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=5396.msg2327858#msg2327858

Thanks. And those are posts I've already seen, so that's probably how the idea got in my head to begin with...

[YitzyS]

Funny signs I once made. (Don't judge me. I was really bored then...)

[YitzyS]

[YitzyS]

[YitzyS]

[YitzyS]

Funny signs I once made. (Don't judge me. I was really bored then...)

Interestingly, this one was posted, without my knowledge, here: https://simchaspot.com/blog/2016/10/09/this-year-customize-your-esrog/

I have no clue how they got it. I only sent the picture to a few of my friends...

[Kobe Bryant]

Going to assume, that the marketing team in collaboration with the accounting team, concluded that you are likely to garner more "Likes" posting separate posts, than one post containing all of the above.

[YitzyS]

Going to assume, that the marketing team in collaboration with the accounting team, concluded that you are likely to garner more "Likes" posting separate posts, than one post containing all of the above.

It wasn't a play for likes. I put them in separate posts because they are long, and splitting it up makes it easier to read.

(Great answer to that question, straight from my marketing team...)

[Yo ssi]

And clearly Elul is over🤦‍♂️

[etech0]

G-d appears to Noah and asks him to build an ark to save a few good humans and two from every living species. He also gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”

“First, I needed a building permit. That’s been held up because I’ve been arguing for months with the fire inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. Then my neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeded the height limitations. We had to go before the city’s planning and zoning board to ask for a variance. They wanted to know how I was going to get it to the ocean and I tried to explain that the sea would be coming to us, but they just thought I was crazy.

“Getting the wood was another problem. In order to save the spotted owl, there’s an EPA ban on cutting local trees. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but of course that went nowhere! Oh by the way, the EPA is also demanding an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

“When I started gathering the animals, the animal rights groups sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I’m also still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew and the trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government clearly beat me to it.”

[YitzyS]

That's awesome! Where's that from?

[etech0]

That's awesome! Where's that from?

I've seen it before but this time it's copied from aish.com

[YitzyS]

A yeshiva bochur calls the shadchan and presents an interesting request.
"I want the meanest, most obnoxious girl in the world. Find me a real witch, someone overbearing and unpleasant."
The shadchan naturally is surprised by the request, and she presses the boy to explain.
"My rebbi said that someone whose life is a living hell will get kaparah for their aveiros and will get a straight ticket into Gan Eden. I want to suffer through marriage."
The shadchan agreed, and called him back a short time later with a shidduch. The boy went out on a few dates, but did not discern any unpleasantness or attitude. Dejected, he called the shadchan.
"Don't worry," the shadchan assured. "I've gotten the worst reports possible about this girl. She must be just putting on a show because she's dating."
So the boy went out another few times, and they got engaged. After the marriage, he waited for her true personality to emerge, to no avail.
Finally, five years into their marriage, he turns to his sweet, gracious wife and confronts her about the discrepancy between her reputation and her actions.
His wife sneers at him. "I know why you married me," she replied. "And I want you to buuuuuuuurn!"

[YitzyS]

[~King Lake~]

I wonder what happens when Joe Biden tries using Google Assistant 🤔