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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 430437 times)

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2660 on: November 06, 2020, 10:08:48 AM »
A young political upstart defeats an long-time incumbent as mayor of the city. He shows up to his first day on the job to find a note from his predecessor on his desk, the note reads as follows:

"Congratulations on your win. I know we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but as someone who has the experience of the office you're entering behind them, I decided to share some parting advice. In the top left drawer of your desk, I've left two notes on how to handle crises in office ( I figure you'll have at least two of them during your term). Open the letter marked 1 on the first scandal, and the letter marked 2 for the second."

A few months go by, and the new mayor experiences his first scandal. He remembers the letters, and opens the letter marked #1 - it has one sentence, it reads: "Blame everything on Me", and so he does. He blames the first scandal on the failings of the previous administration. The scandal passes and all is good.

A couple of years go by, and now he is facing his second scandal. He returns to the drawer, and opens letter #2, it too has one sentence:

"Sit Down, Write two letters"

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2661 on: November 10, 2020, 12:09:25 PM »
“I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
If I find a dead deer, I don't have to fight a bear for it. I don't even have to eat it if I don't want to.

Offline Dan

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2662 on: November 17, 2020, 09:46:21 PM »
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline flyingace

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2663 on: November 18, 2020, 09:40:41 AM »

Actually laughed out loud! Thanks!

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2664 on: November 22, 2020, 04:24:12 AM »
I am against people wearing fur, because of the slaughter of animals.
I am even more against fake fur, because they kill stuffed animals.
If I find a dead deer, I don't have to fight a bear for it. I don't even have to eat it if I don't want to.

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2665 on: November 22, 2020, 07:28:38 AM »


Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline justaregularguy

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2666 on: November 22, 2020, 11:46:41 AM »
nothings impossible- the word itself says Im possible

Online TimT

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2667 on: November 22, 2020, 12:19:14 PM »
reads like something ***** would post.. :o
Please delete your post. We respect people’s anonymity around here. :)

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2668 on: November 22, 2020, 12:59:59 PM »
Please delete your post. We respect people’s anonymity around here. :)
Nah. I think my style is too different from Randomex that it is not possible that we are the same person.
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2669 on: November 22, 2020, 01:15:33 PM »
(The joke wasn't that you were me, but that I was Kara.
Or is your misunderstanding a deliberate joke?)
If I find a dead deer, I don't have to fight a bear for it. I don't even have to eat it if I don't want to.

Online S209

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2670 on: November 22, 2020, 01:17:55 PM »
(The joke wasn't that you were me, but that I was Kara.
Or is your misunderstanding a deliberate joke?)
It was a true @Randomex joke
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Offline Yo ssi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2671 on: November 22, 2020, 01:25:20 PM »
It was a true @Randomex joke
Time for a dedicated thread.

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Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2672 on: November 22, 2020, 01:26:19 PM »
(The joke wasn't that you were me, but that I was Kara.
Or is your misunderstanding a deliberate joke?)
Are you?

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2673 on: November 22, 2020, 01:26:59 PM »
Time for a dedicated thread.

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And it should be on the General Discussion board. Or any board that will raise Randomex's post count and lower his post:like ratio.  :P
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline Yo ssi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2674 on: November 22, 2020, 01:42:26 PM »
And it should be on the General Discussion board. Or any board that will raise Randomex's post count and lower his post:like ratio.  :P
Time for a new board? ;)

Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2675 on: November 22, 2020, 04:23:53 PM »



Online Euclid

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2676 on: November 22, 2020, 04:25:43 PM »

I remember this one from Obama. (Also makes more sense about "wanting change".)

Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2677 on: November 23, 2020, 05:34:09 PM »
***THE FUTURE--ORDERING PIZZA in 2022***

CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: 
 No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:   
 I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.
GOOGLE:   
 No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:   
 OK.  I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:   
 Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sauteed onions, fried eggplant and mushrooms on a thick crust.
CALLER:   
 OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and eggplant on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:   
 What? That's gross!
GOOGLE:   
 Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:   
 How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your healthy pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only 1  box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:   
 I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:   
 That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:   
 But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:   
 I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:   
 WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:   
 I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:   
 I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...;

Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2678 on: November 24, 2020, 11:28:02 PM »
What does Chulent & a Rav have in common?
They both talk by Shaloshudes
I'm going crazy, wanna come along?

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2679 on: November 24, 2020, 11:59:44 PM »
I asked at the library if they had any books on how to commit suicide. They said that they used to have many, but nobody ever returned them...
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes