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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 399421 times)

Offline Lurker

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  • Location: As always, silence is NOT an admission of agreement on DDF. It just means that people lack the stamina to keep on arguing with made up "facts", illogical arguments, deceiving statements, nasty and degrading comments, and fuzzy math. - @yelped
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2700 on: November 27, 2020, 10:46:50 AM »
I find it pathetic that a whole group of DDFers seem to believe that one needs a REASON to eat a donut

It's shameful, really.
When you find yourself agreeing with me more often than not, it's time for a cheshbon hanefesh.

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2701 on: December 01, 2020, 12:58:52 AM »
Itís a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five
minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

Offline cholent

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2702 on: December 01, 2020, 12:59:43 AM »
Itís a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five
minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Wrong thread
Don't ask stupid questions and you won't get stupid answers

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2703 on: December 01, 2020, 01:47:40 AM »

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2704 on: December 01, 2020, 11:11:27 AM »


A moment on the clicks, forever on my stats

(yes, I'm talking about that blue button above)

Offline username

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2705 on: December 01, 2020, 12:36:25 PM »
Itís a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five
minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
IIRC, this is a repost, but you'll need TimT to find it. Not gonna call him with an @.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2706 on: December 01, 2020, 12:56:11 PM »
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2707 on: December 03, 2020, 05:24:18 AM »
Seen posted as a Facebook comment on a podcast episode:
A thoroughly enjoyable episode where I laughed aloud several....oh wait sorry, wrong Facebook group.

Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2708 on: December 03, 2020, 07:54:09 AM »

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2709 on: December 08, 2020, 12:14:53 PM »
Two strangers are chatting on an airplane, at one point one of them pulls out a picture of his girlfriend -

M1: 'beautiful, isn't she?'

M2: "If you think she's beautiful, you should definitely see my wife"

M1: "Is she just as beautiful as my girl?"

M2L: "No, she's an optometrist".

Offline Yo ssi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2710 on: January 10, 2021, 01:03:16 AM »
Ordering Pizza

CALLER :   Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:   No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:   I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:   No sir, Google bought Gordonís Pizza last month.

CALLER:   OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:  My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses and mushrooms on a thick crust.

CALLER:   OK! Thatís what I want ...

GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:   What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:   Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:   How the heck do you know!

GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only one box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:   I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:   That doesnít show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:  I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:   But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:   I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:  That doesnít show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:   WHAT THE .......!

GOOGLE:   I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:  Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...

Offline TimT

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2711 on: January 10, 2021, 01:05:50 AM »
Ordering Pizza

CALLER :   Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:   No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:   I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:   No sir, Google bought Gordonís Pizza last month.

CALLER:   OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:  My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses and mushrooms on a thick crust.

CALLER:   OK! Thatís what I want ...

GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:   What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:   Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:   How the heck do you know!

GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only one box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:   I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:   That doesnít show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:  I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:   But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:   I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:  That doesnít show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:   WHAT THE .......!

GOOGLE:   I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:  Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...
https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1757399;topicseen#msg1757399

https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg2363588#msg2363588

Offline Yo ssi

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Offline sguitarist18

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2713 on: January 10, 2021, 01:52:24 PM »
Not an original, I think I got it via email - so no need to credit me.

But can I get a price match to the number of "likes" Kobe Bryant got on his post of the same thing?

Offline Yo ssi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2714 on: January 10, 2021, 01:54:48 PM »
Not an original, I think I got it via email - so no need to credit me.

But can I get a price match to the number of "likes" Kobe Bryant got on his post of the same thing?
Lol welcome to DDF, where the reposter usually gets more likes then the op :)