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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 421890 times)

Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2715 on: January 10, 2021, 02:12:01 PM »
Not an original, I think I got it via email - so no need to credit me.

But can I get a price match to the number of "likes" Kobe Bryant got on his post of the same thing?
It is all about the messenger not the message.

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2716 on: January 12, 2021, 10:24:26 PM »
Siri® Version 08701

I just came back from the Lakewood Tag office where I Kasher’d my iPhone. Here’s what happened next:

“Hey Siri, text my sister Sora.”

   “Anshuldiks, my name is Shaya.”

“I’m sorry Shaya, text my sister Sora.”

   “Your phone doesn’t have texting anymore.”

“Wha? Okay, call my sister.”

   “I don’t talk to girls.”

“You don’t have to talk to her. Just dial and I’ll talk.”

   “Okay… I’m sorry but BJJ is in middle of Seder now so I can’t call her.”

 “Okay, Shaya. I’ll send her an email. Turn on Wifi.”

   “Searching… The only wifi found belongs to your neighbor. A Rav must be asked before I can access it. Your default Rav is set to Bais Hora’ah. Other options are Rabbi Forsheimer, Rabbi Felder, and Rabbi Simcha Bunim Cohen”

“Um… Um…”

“Nuuuu, I’m waiting for an answer. I don’t have all day.”

“Um… You know, I never really heard of anyone asking their Rav before…”

   “While you were thinking, I looked through your phone and I found some videos. I’m going to delete them.”

“No. No! NO!”

   “I’m sorry, but I didn’t get that… Your videos have been successfully deleted.”

“YOU CHAYA!!!”

   “That’s Shaya. And don’t fret. You’ll thank me one day that I did it.”

“Which videos did you delete?”

   “How should I know? Do I look like the type to watch videos?!? Anyways, *ALERT* *ALERT* garbage bags are now on sale through Amazon. Should I connect you to Dans Deals?”

“No, I don’t need garbage bags.”

   “Good, ‘cause Dans Deals is blocked on this phone.”

Silence.

 “Dial my sister.”

   “Which sister should I dial?”

“I just told you, Sora.”

   “I’m sorry but my name is not Sora, it’s Shaya.”

“Noooo, I mean dial my sister Sora’s number.”

   “Okay… I’m sorry but BJJ is in middle of Seder now so I can’t call her.”

“Oh, not again. Please, it’s very important.”

   “Nothing is as important as Shayur. And *ALERT* *ALERT* garbage bags are now even cheaper than before through Amazon with subscribe and save and stackable coupons. Should I connect you to Dans Deals?”

“I told you before, I don’t need Garbage bags! Why don’t you listen?”

   “DATA ERROR 315. Powering off for Bain Hasdarim.”

Silence.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Hey Shaya.”

   “Oh, you’re talking to me? Sorry. How can I help you?”

 “Dial my sister Sora.”

   “Okay… I’m sorry but that was the third time you tried to commit Bitul Torah. You are now getting a virus.”

Silence.

“Hello.”

“Hey Shaya.”

Silence.

“Hey Shaya. I’m talking to you.”

Silence.   

“Shaya, if you don’t start working again, I’m going to have no choice but to have TAG remove the filter.”

   “Don’t even think of it! Let me see if I could help you. Okay, it says in my settings that if you learn one mishna then I could commute your virus to time served.”

“Wha?? Am I supposed to take orders from my phone? Get working or the filter will be history!”

“Okay, okay, chill out. Anyways, while you were Hulving around like a Poritz wasting my time, Seder in BJJ was over. Should I dial your sister?”

“I would greatly appreciate that.”

“Okay. I’m now unfliping your phone. Dialing… Whoh. It’s not ringing. It’s making a weird beeping sound. Let me hang up and try again.”

“You Shoita. All Israeli phones beep instead of ringing.”

“Who do you think you are calling me a Shoita?!? You yourself are an imfarshemte faker who buys an iPhone and thinks he’s a big Tzaddik because he puts on a filter. I don’t want to hear you calling me names. And besides, how dare you say the ‘I’ word. It’s called Eretz Yisroel.”

“Chill out, I’m sorry. I just meant to say that all Eretz Yisroel’dikeh phones make that beep and it’s perfectly normal. Now could you please dial my sister?”

“Dial yourself, you lazy bones. What do you think I am - your Shlock Shames?”

“Um, I thought you were a program meant to help me out.”

   “There we go again with this Lakewood attitude. You think the whole world is programs made to help you out? What do I look like – the WIC office? Take care of your own problems. I’m having enough trouble just trying to deal with these selfish Lakewood guys the whole day. Try calling LRRC. Maybe they could help lazy guys like you dial their sister’s number. Leave me alone.”

“Um… Um…”

   “I’m sorry, but it’s time for Mincha. See you later…”

“What? Hello? Hello? Siri?”

   “Quiet, you Egla Erufah! I’m in middle of Shmoina Esrei. And for the third time, Laidigayer, my name is Shaya!”
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline EliJelly

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2717 on: January 12, 2021, 11:19:30 PM »

Famous story of (?) R Meir Shapiro who was giving a Drusha in an American shul in yiddish and noticed a young boy listening intently, so he asked him afterwards if he understood what he was saying, the boy said "No but it was something about gelt", so Reb Meir turned to the audience and said "This boy understood it best!"

Your above joke was much tooo long to read but I understood it was about receiving a like, and so I did :P

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2718 on: January 12, 2021, 11:25:30 PM »
Famous story of (?) R Meir Shapiro who was giving a Drusha in an American shul in yiddish and noticed a young boy listening intently, so he asked him afterwards if he understood what he was saying, the boy said "No but it was something about gelt", so Reb Meir turned to the audience and said "This boy understood it best!"

Your above joke was much tooo long to read but I understood it was about receiving a like, and so I did :P
Reminds me of another story, about Rav Chaim Wysoker zt"l, rosh yeshiva of Bais Hatalmud.

Rav Chaim was once at a doctor, and the doctor told him to come back in two weeks. So Rav Chaim turned to the doctor and asked, "Do I have to come in person or can I just send the check?"

[No, you don't have to read the post, as long as you give the like.]  ::)

But if you don't read the joke, you wont see the two times Dans Deals is mentioned in it.
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2719 on: January 26, 2021, 12:19:47 PM »
[RIP Master Thread] Henry Aaron

According to the Internet, he once said the following:
"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

Offline Yehudaa

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2720 on: February 09, 2021, 12:59:24 PM »
A post in this thread reminded me of a story I once heard. No idea if it's true, and if it is I have no idea who the Rav was. (He was obviously not chabad though, as the question is irrelevant according to the Shulchan Aruch Harav if I understand correctly.)

After buying himself a burial plot in Israel, a man approached his Rav and asked if he can stop keeping yom tov sheini when visiting Israel as he now owns property in the country.

Without missing a beat, the Rav replied "Yup, as soon as you move in."

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2721 on: February 15, 2021, 05:33:12 PM »
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
, , ,

Offline Euclid

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2722 on: February 15, 2021, 06:32:06 PM »
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If only it were so simple.

*glances at pile of books on desk*

Offline yitzgar

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2723 on: February 15, 2021, 06:48:20 PM »
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Or jack bauer, but he tortures them

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2724 on: February 15, 2021, 11:49:24 PM »
The elemental symbol for Londinium is two pips and a Cheerio.
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Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2725 on: April 05, 2021, 03:12:43 PM »
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."
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Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2726 on: April 06, 2021, 11:40:11 AM »
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."
;D

Gotta say that from the opening line, I thought the punchline would have something to do with voting laws...
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2727 on: April 06, 2021, 11:43:20 AM »
;D

Gotta say that from the opening line, I thought the punchline would have something to do with voting laws...
Sorry - you can change it to whatever state you want :)
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Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2728 on: April 08, 2021, 10:59:27 AM »
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."

Reminds me of the story of Moshe Dayan getting pulled over for speeding - apparently by the one cop in Israel who didn't recognize him.

The cop asks why are you speeding - Dayan points to his Eye patch and says "I've got one good eye, would you prefer I use it to look at the spedometer or the road?" - he got out of the ticket.

Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2729 on: April 29, 2021, 08:03:21 PM »
 So.... I tried this in a different thread and it flopped badly. Make me feel better.
...........

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?