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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 431405 times)

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2720 on: February 09, 2021, 12:59:24 PM »
A post in this thread reminded me of a story I once heard. No idea if it's true, and if it is I have no idea who the Rav was. (He was obviously not chabad though, as the question is irrelevant according to the Shulchan Aruch Harav if I understand correctly.)

After buying himself a burial plot in Israel, a man approached his Rav and asked if he can stop keeping yom tov sheini when visiting Israel as he now owns property in the country.

Without missing a beat, the Rav replied "Yup, as soon as you move in."

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2721 on: February 15, 2021, 05:33:12 PM »
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2722 on: February 15, 2021, 06:32:06 PM »
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If only it were so simple.

*glances at pile of books on desk*

Offline yitzgar

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2723 on: February 15, 2021, 06:48:20 PM »
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Or jack bauer, but he tortures them

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2724 on: February 15, 2021, 11:49:24 PM »
The elemental symbol for Londinium is two pips and a Cheerio.
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2725 on: April 05, 2021, 03:12:43 PM »
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2726 on: April 06, 2021, 11:40:11 AM »
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."
;D

Gotta say that from the opening line, I thought the punchline would have something to do with voting laws...
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2727 on: April 06, 2021, 11:43:20 AM »
;D

Gotta say that from the opening line, I thought the punchline would have something to do with voting laws...
Sorry - you can change it to whatever state you want :)
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Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2728 on: April 08, 2021, 10:59:27 AM »
A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."

Reminds me of the story of Moshe Dayan getting pulled over for speeding - apparently by the one cop in Israel who didn't recognize him.

The cop asks why are you speeding - Dayan points to his Eye patch and says "I've got one good eye, would you prefer I use it to look at the spedometer or the road?" - he got out of the ticket.

Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2729 on: April 29, 2021, 08:03:21 PM »
 So.... I tried this in a different thread and it flopped badly. Make me feel better.
...........

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2730 on: April 29, 2021, 08:06:49 PM »
So.... I tried this in a different thread and it flopped badly. Make me feel better.
...........

Much funnier when you are not the lawyer!
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Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2731 on: April 29, 2021, 08:16:20 PM »
So.... I tried this in a different thread and it flopped badly. Make me feel better.
I understood it there, and I've heard it before a long time. It's a classic joke, and I think it was very well placed. You should feel better.
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2732 on: April 29, 2021, 10:34:31 PM »
I understood it there, and I've heard it before a long time. It's a classic joke, and I think it was very well placed. You should feel better.

 ;D

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2733 on: May 30, 2021, 02:26:45 AM »


Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2734 on: June 01, 2021, 12:55:37 PM »
An Israeli arrives at Heathrow Airport.
The customs officer asks him. “Occupation? ''
The Israeli replies. " No just visiting. "

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2735 on: June 01, 2021, 01:36:38 PM »



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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2736 on: June 20, 2021, 12:15:14 AM »
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type-O.”

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2737 on: June 20, 2021, 08:28:27 AM »
An Israeli arrives at Heathrow Airport.
The customs officer asks him. “Occupation? ''
The Israeli replies. " No just visiting. "
Reminds me of the famous joke:

British Airways plane in circling, waiting for clearance to land at the Berlin Airport. Air traffic control starts cracking jokes, poking fun at the British pilots. Pilots start getting frustrated, and keep asking for permission to land. Finally, the German air control guy spits out, "Patience, pilot. It works different here. Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

To which the pilot responded, "Yes, multiple times, in 1945. But I never landed. I just dropped off packages."
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2738 on: June 20, 2021, 12:32:49 PM »
Reminds me of the famous joke:

British Airways plane in circling, waiting for clearance to land at the Berlin Airport. Air traffic control starts cracking jokes, poking fun at the British pilots. Pilots start getting frustrated, and keep asking for permission to land. Finally, the German air control guy spits out, "Patience, pilot. It works different here. Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

To which the pilot responded, "Yes, multiple times, in 1945. But I never landed. I just dropped off packages."

Reminds me of a famous commercial:



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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2739 on: June 22, 2021, 03:10:50 AM »
Reminds me of a famous commercial:

Without watching it, I'm guessing the punchline is "Vat are you sinking about?"

That reminds me of 2 jokes.
One is about a black man asking another who some Jews are, the punchline being "I see dem too, but who are they?"
The other is about a chassidic man being asked where he is, which happens to be Hazen (NJ);
the punchline is something like "I know you wear haizen, but where are you?"
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