Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread (Read 715117 times)

sguitarist18 · « **Reply #2740 on:** July 13, 2021, 04:32:31 PM »

Good name for a bar open motzei shabbos - "The Drunken Luz-Bone."

Yonah · « **Reply #2741 on:** July 13, 2021, 05:02:59 PM »

Yankel buys the house next door to John, and John is upset that his new neighbor is a Jew. For weeks he tries doing things to intimidate Yankel - hiding his mail, having his dog poop on Yankel's lawn, etc. - but no luck, Yankel isn't budging. Finally John gets an idea. He takes a Joint, smokes half of it on Yankel's patio, and then leaves it on Yankel's patio table. He then calls the cops with an anonymous tip about his neighbor smoking Marijuana.

The police show up, smell the smoke, find the joint, and want to arrest Yankel. Rather than deny the whole thing, Yankel hatches a plan of his own:

"Listen officer", he says to the cop, " you could arrest me for smoking, but is it really worth it to waste the city's time and money prosecuting me for this? How about we make a deal - if I give you my dealers' name, will you let me free?" The cop thinks about it for a minute and agrees - "So who is your dealer?" he asks Yankel.

To which Yankel replies - "John, my next door neighbor"

Yonah · « **Reply #2742 on:** July 13, 2021, 05:12:02 PM »

A wealthy secular Jew passes away and leaves his large fortune to his only son. Having not been successful in trying to solicit a donation from the man himself, a local Rosh Yeshiva decides he will see if he can convince his son to donate to the Yeshiva. Using connections, he manages to get a meeting with the son. He arrives at the son's mansion, and is led into the library, where he is waiting for the son. Over the fireplace is a large oil painting of the father.

As the son walks in he sees the Rosh Yeshiva starting intently at the painting. "Hello Rabbi." he says, startling the Rov. "I'm so sorry," says the Rov, "I didn't hear you come in, I was busy being inspired by this painting. This man he looks - so intelligent, so industrious, so eager, it is simply motivational just looking at him. You know, I was originally coming here to ask for a donation, but this painting is so inspiring, I simply want to ask you if I could have it for the library at our Yeshiva, because I know it would inspire countless numbers of our students to strive higher."

"Of course," said the son, " please take it, it's yours, I would be so honored if you hung it in your library!"

"Thank you", replied the Rosh Yeshiva, " that's wondeful, now If only we had someone who could donate a library"

Moshe123 · « **Reply #2743 on:** July 14, 2021, 12:10:51 PM »

Quote from: Yonah on July 13, 2021, 05:12:02 PM

A wealthy secular Jew passes away and leaves his large fortune to his only son. Having not been successful in trying to solicit a donation from the man himself, a local Rosh Yeshiva decides he will see if he can convince his son to donate to the Yeshiva. Using connections, he manages to get a meeting with the son. He arrives at the son's mansion, and is led into the library, where he is waiting for the son. Over the fireplace is a large oil painting of the father.

As the son walks in he sees the Rosh Yeshiva starting intently at the painting. "Hello Rabbi." he says, startling the Rov. "I'm so sorry," says the Rov, "I didn't hear you come in, I was busy being inspired by this painting. This man he looks - so intelligent, so industrious, so eager, it is simply motivational just looking at him. You know, I was originally coming here to ask for a donation, but this painting is so inspiring, I simply want to ask you if I could have it for the library at our Yeshiva, because I know it would inspire countless numbers of our students to strive higher."

"Of course," said the son, " please take it, it's yours, I would be so honored if you hung it in your library!"

"Thank you", replied the Rosh Yeshiva, " that's wondeful, now If only we had someone who could donate a library"

נותנת

Moshe123 · « **Reply #2744 on:** July 14, 2021, 12:12:06 PM »

I don't know if you will get the reference.

https://youtu.be/g1ym5UE2EpE

yitzyul · « **Reply #2745 on:** July 14, 2021, 02:08:43 PM »

Quote from: Yonah on July 13, 2021, 05:12:02 PM

A wealthy secular Jew passes away and leaves his large fortune to his only son. Having not been successful in trying to solicit a donation from the man himself, a local Rosh Yeshiva decides he will see if he can convince his son to donate to the Yeshiva. Using connections, he manages to get a meeting with the son. He arrives at the son's mansion, and is led into the library, where he is waiting for the son. Over the fireplace is a large oil painting of the father.

As the son walks in he sees the Rosh Yeshiva starting intently at the painting. "Hello Rabbi." he says, startling the Rov. "I'm so sorry," says the Rov, "I didn't hear you come in, I was busy being inspired by this painting. This man he looks - so intelligent, so industrious, so eager, it is simply motivational just looking at him. You know, I was originally coming here to ask for a donation, but this painting is so inspiring, I simply want to ask you if I could have it for the library at our Yeshiva, because I know it would inspire countless numbers of our students to strive higher."

"Of course," said the son, " please take it, it's yours, I would be so honored if you hung it in your library!"

"Thank you", replied the Rosh Yeshiva, " that's wondeful, now If only we had someone who could donate a library"

Shmule Kundah A"H....(Talking coins)

"I need shoe laces"....(Berish the butcher gives him a pair) .... "Oy now what am I going to do....I need shoes"

YitzyS · « **Reply #2746 on:** July 14, 2021, 02:25:34 PM »

Quote from: yitzyul on July 14, 2021, 02:08:43 PM

Shmule Kundah A"H....(Talking coins)

"I need shoe laces"....(Berish the butcher gives him a pair) .... "Oy now what am I going to do....I need shoes"

Hey, I thought of that also!

JlmBoi · « **Reply #2747 on:** July 16, 2021, 09:42:54 AM »

Quote from: Moshe123 on July 14, 2021, 12:10:51 PM

נותנת

Cue ימים

Iz · « **Reply #2748 on:** August 06, 2021, 04:45:36 PM »

www.twitter.com/aimhumor/status/1423738622000386051

yos9694 · « **Reply #2749 on:** August 06, 2021, 05:05:00 PM »

No joke

TimT · « **Reply #2750 on:** August 31, 2021, 10:01:36 AM »

https://twitter.com/Tami_Wami/status/1432685026022469634

YitzyS · « **Reply #2751 on:** October 29, 2021, 11:14:59 AM »

Just saw a video clip of a shiur (don't know who the speaker is) with this joke, so I'm writing it here:

A man was at a levaya and he saw his friend walk up to the aron and tell the niftar, "I'm moichel you, I'm moichel you, I'm moichel you."

So the man asked his friend, "He owed you money?"

"No," his friend responded. "He was my shadchan."

EliJelly · « **Reply #2752 on:** October 29, 2021, 01:52:36 PM »

Quote from: YitzyS on October 29, 2021, 11:14:59 AM

Just saw a video clip of a shiur (don't know who the speaker is) with this joke, so I'm writing it here:

A man was at a levaya and he saw his friend walk up to the aron and tell the niftar, "I'm moichel you, I'm moichel you, I'm moichel you."

So the man asked his friend, "He owed you money?"

"No," his friend responded. "He was my shadchan."

In the gist of the joke of a man crying at a grave mourning repeatedly, "Why did you die so young, why did you die so young", when asked how he was related to the deceased man he said "He was my wife's former husband."

JlmBoi · « **Reply #2753 on:** October 31, 2021, 01:29:06 PM »

Quote from: EliJelly on October 29, 2021, 01:52:36 PM

In the gist of the joke of a man crying at a grave mourning repeatedly, "Why did you die so young, why did you die so young", when asked how he was related to the deceased man he said "He was my wife's former husband."

That goes in the corny jokes thread just for the amount of times it's been told.

cmey · « **Reply #2754 on:** November 02, 2021, 07:07:36 PM »

An old Jew is driving and runs out of gas just a couple of blocks from the gas station. Looking around for something to use to get gasoline, he grabs the portable urinal he keeps in his car and heads over to the gas station. He heads back to his car and starts to fill the gas tank as two atheists happen to be passing by. One guy gives an incredulous look at the old guy and says to the other “that does it. If that car starts I’m converting.”