Jokes Master Thread

[S209]

any good ones? Am I the only one who doesn't have patience going through 2000 jokes?...

A passenger ship pushed off from the port in Haifa and traveled a route around the Mediterranean Sea. During the trip, one passenger noticed a bearded man on a small island who was shouting desperately and waiving his hands.

"Who is that?" the passenger asked the captain.

"I have no idea," replied the captain, "but he seems like a strange fellow."

"Why's that?" asked the passenger.

"Because every time we pass by this small island he keeps yelling at us like a maniac!"

[S209]

any good ones? Am I the only one who doesn't have patience going through 2000 jokes?...

There was a huge snowstorm in Jerusalem and the principal of a particular cheder (religious school) called one of his rabbinic teachers and said to him, "Rabbi, you don’t have to come in today. Only 6 children have shown up due to the snow."

The rabbi replied, "That’s OK, I'm coming in anyway.”

“I admire your dedication rabbi,” said the principal, “but it’s not necessary.”

“It’s definitely necessary,” replied the rabbi. “In my house there are 15 children!"

[~King Lake~]

The problem with corporate America and government-run programs described

“A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the North American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.
So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and one assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the” Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower.
In addition, there was a discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The following year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted the development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses, and the following year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

[Euclid]

The problem with corporate America and government-run programs described

“A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the North American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.
So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and one assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the” Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower.
In addition, there was a discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The following year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted the development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses, and the following year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

McKinsey has hollowed out America

[Euclid]

The problem with corporate America and government-run programs described

“A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the North American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.
So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and one assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the” Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower.
In addition, there was a discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The following year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted the development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses, and the following year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

What does this have to do with government run programs?

[YitzyS]

What does this have to do with government run programs?

That's a great question. You can enter it on our portal and an agent should get back to you in 3-6 months.

[sguitarist18]

This may be a bit "niche," but not sure where else to put it:

...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.

Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:
ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll.

[Randomex]

This may be a bit "niche," but not sure where else to put it:

[Dread Gazebo]

Some context:

A role-playing game [(abbreviated RPG)] is a game in which players assume the roles of characters in a fictional setting. Players take responsibility for acting out these roles within a narrative, either through literal acting or through a process of structured decision-making regarding character development. Actions taken within many games succeed or fail according to a formal system of rules and guidelines.

[sguitarist18]

Some context:

Thanks - I've actually never played an RPG myself, but still found the piece funny.

[~King Lake~]

I never wish death upon anyone who wrongs me.
But-
• I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea...
• While stuck in traffic...
• With frequent sneezes.

[koplonko]

I never wish death upon anyone who wrongs me.
But-
• I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea...
• While stuck in traffic...
• With frequent sneezes.

Might be better to wish death.
They definitely will wish it

[~King Lake~]

Might be better to wish death.
They definitely will wish it

That's exactly why i wouldn't

[joe1234]

I never wish death upon anyone who wrongs me.
But-
• I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea...
• While stuck in traffic...
• With frequent sneezes.

They are FORT Human beings!

[Euclid]

They are FART Human beings!

Fixed

[joe1234]

Fixed

Had to shtim it with the Yiddish…

[yuneeq]

503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

502.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open door, put elephant in, close door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

The giraffe. He's in a fridge.

Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

The gators are at the party.

Sally dies anyway. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

[Yonah]

Chaim Yankel sees Moshe's new son-in-law Steve at Kiddush. Unlike most of the people in the shul, Steve is a 3rd generation american. Chaim Yankel wonders if he speaks Yiddish.

CY: "Stevele - zug mich epes - kenst die redden Yiddish? Do you speak Jewish?"
Steve:"I vaist nur a bissel"
CY:"Emesdik? Nu, vus bissel vaist die?"
Steve:" Ich vaist ven mein vayb shrait auf mir in Yiddish, iz nischt git far mich!"

======
For those that need a translation:
CY:" Steve, do you speak Yiddish?"
Steve:"A little bit"
CY:" Really, what little bit do you know?"
Steve:" I know when my wife is yelling at me in Yiddish, it's not good for me"

[~King Lake~]

Do you speak Jewish?

What language is "Jewish"?

[Randomex]

It's a language some Jews speak instead of American.

[Randomex]

From a discussion about things only attractive people can get away with: