Jokes Master Thread

[sguitarist18]

I just realized that COVID has probably made going to a bris a lot scarier for the baby's older male siblings - they're thinking, "oh no, how many boosters are they going to make me get?!"

[Something Fishy]

What is as big as a house, makes a noise you can hear 2 miles away, uses 100 gallons of fuel an hour, puts out enough smoke to turn the sky black, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?













A Soviet machine designed to cut an apple into 4 pieces.



(Shamelessly stolen from the excellent Chernobyl series.)

[jye]

A thin scrawny meshulach has an idea to fly on the cheap. He manages to squeeze into a carry on and has his buddy heave the bulging carry on into the baggage compartment. After landing the guy shleps the luggage out of the compartment and into the terminal where the meshulach is eased out of the luggage.
 “How did it go?”, asked the first guy.
“Great but I’m completely exhausted”.
“Didn’t you sleep at all on the flight?”
“I tried to but the luggage next to me was snoring the entire time”.

[username]

A Soviet machine designed to cut an apple into 4 pieces.



(Shamelessly stolen from the excellent Chernobyl series.)

Why is this a joke? My brother bought a digital clock in Russia, that when setting the minutes, it went past 59, all the way to 99!

[YitzyS]

Kid: Give me more milk.

Dad: You forgot to say the magic word before you ask for something.

Kid: Alexa, give me more milk.

[Dan]

Sukkos jokes for a speech?

[Yo ssi]

Sukkos jokes for a speech?

[YitzyS]

*WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .*
 
*The Italian –* throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
 
*The German –* carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
 
*The Frenchman –* takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
 
*The Chinese –* eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
 
*The Russian –* Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
 
*The Israeli –* sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
 
*The Palestinian –* blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian so there will be peace.

[mevinyavin]

*The Jew -* takes out the fly and drinks the coffee. (Haman 21:63, as quoted by The Purim Story referring to wine)
*The Pharaoh -* Imprisons the one who serves him the cup for a while. (See Genesis 40 for a similar case.)
*The Shlemiel -* Is so startled when he sees the fly that he spills the coffee on the shlemazel. The nudnik wants to know what type of fly it is.

[yawn]

*WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .*
 
*The Italian –* throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
 
*The German –* carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
 
*The Frenchman –* takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
 
*The Chinese –* eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
 
*The Russian –* Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
 
*The Israeli –* sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
 
*The Palestinian –* blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian so there will be peace.

The Lakewooder -* takes out ads in the local paper proclaiming that coffee is infested with bugs. (Disclaimer: this is not an attack on lakewood. Just the most likely place for the person i’m caricaturing to reside.)

[mevinyavin]