Jokes Master Thread

[yungermanchik]

My son the... - Aish.com
aish.com/90076647/
April 7, 2010

An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a rabbi; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Oiy vey! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.

[yungermanchik]

Judging Favorably
aish.com/512019592-3/
June 30, 2019

Mrs. Goldenberg got a ticket for running a red light and came to court to fight it. When asked for her occupation, she said that she was a schoolteacher.

Judge Rosenbaum recognized the old teacher and said, “Mrs. Goldenberg, do you remember me?”

Mrs. Goldenberg thought about it for a moment, squinted and said, “Little Heshy Rosenbaum is that you?”

“It’s Harry, Mrs. Goldenberg,” the judge said. “Your Honor actually.”

“Look at you, all grown up,” Mrs. Goldenberg smiled sweetly, hoping that her former student would help her with her ticket.

“I’ve been waiting so many years to see you in court,” Judge Rosenbaum said.

“I am so glad to hear it,” said Mrs. Goldenberg.

“So the good news is that I am going to waive the fee on your ticket.”

“Thank you so much Heshy, I mean, Your Honor, that’s very nice of you.”

“The bad news is that I want you to sit down at that table right now and write: 'I will not run through a red light' five hundred times!!"

[HudZ]

The Meaning of Life
aish.com/118981599/
March 31, 2011

God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

...

The other two were cute, but this one I don't get. What's the punchline?

[yungermanchik]

Jaws - Aish.com
aish.com/118153989/
March 17, 2011

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

God replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you God for this food for which I am about to receive..."

[yungermanchik]

Middle Eastern Conflict
aish.com/51474382/
July 23, 2009

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"Don't worry about it," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While he is gone the Arab picks up the Jew's shoe and spits in it.

The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples...this hatred... this spitting in shoes...and blowing noses in Cokes?"

Commentary:

The Arab Israeli conflict is no laughing matter. It has claimed countless lives and the current situation at times seems hopeless. But when the Jewish People are faced with hopelessness we unleash our secret weapon: our sense of humor. We Jews have been enduring tough times for thousands of years, yet remarkably, we have managed to keep our sense of humor through it all. Some have wondered what the secret is to our survival. Perhaps a small part is owed to our sense of humor. Our ability to make light of difficult situations, to see beyond today and know that there will be a tomorrow. That no matter how unbearable our current situation is, we will get through it, somehow, and survive. Jewish humor isn't just funny, it's extremely powerful.

[gutlib]

I saw in my building (Jerusalem) a sign in Hebrew/English about a day camp that will be in Gaza, they translated בעז''ה.

[mevinyavin]

I saw in my building (Jerusalem) a sign in Hebrew/English about a day camp that will be in Gaza, they translated בעז''ה.

בעז''ה!

[etech0]

A woman holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the storekeeper. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the mother's weight."

"Oh, that won't work," says the woman.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Well," she says, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

[etech0]

An old man got pulled over by a cop for unsafe driving.
Cop: License and registration?
Old Man: I don't have a license. I'm so old that I'm allowed to drive without one.
Cop: What are you talking about?
Old Man: The last time I went to my doctor for a checkup, he asked me for my driver's license. When I gave it to him, he cut it into pieces and said "You won't be needing this anymore!"

[YitzyS]

An old man got pulled over by a cop for unsafe driving.
Cop: License and registration?
Old Man: I don't have a license. I'm so old that I'm allowed to drive without one.
Cop: What are you talking about?
Old Man: The last time I went to my doctor for a checkup, he asked me for my driver's license. When I gave it to him, he cut it into pieces and said "You won't be needing this anymore!"

Cop: Mr. President, your wife cut up your license?!

[yungermanchik]

Instead of having 26 different, diverse letters, we should really change them all to one uniform letter. It's only fair.

reminded me of this joke:
"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas."

[justaregularguy]

I haven’t slept for 3 days, because that would be too long 
-Mitch hedberg

Good night!

[mlardi]

[Just A Jew]

Love the "Fwd: Fwd:"

[HudZ]

Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff.

Like put their shoes on the shoe rack, their jacket on the hook, and their keys on the key hook.

[mevinyavin]

Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff.

Like put their shoes on the shoe rack, their jacket on the hook, and their keys on the key hook.

+1

[HudZ]

I saw the mail truck at the cemetery today. I guess they already started delivering ballots.

[YitzyS]

I saw the mail truck in the cemetery today. I guess they already started delivering ballots.

UPS method ?

[Parker]

A chasid walks in to his Rebbe and says..

Chasid: Rebbe I Don't Have Any Money...

Rebbe: Come Back When You Have...

[A litvak thinks this is a joke but a real Chasid says Amen]

[DaasTora]

[A litvak thinks this is a joke but a real Chasid says Amen]

Many times vice versa.