Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 511303 times)

Offline mancunian

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Once there was a small village in Belarus which owned a cow. This cow, baruch Hashem, provided milk plentifully to the entire town, and they were even able to sell milk to the surrounding villages to bring in extra money. With this great asset in the community, they were able to provide their children with milk and live nicely.

One unfortunate day, the cow died. A town meeting was held, and the unanimous decision was to replace the cow. A delegation was sent all the way to Minsk to arrange the purchase of a new cow, which was transported back to Belarus.

Thank G d, this cow filled its predessesor's shoes and filled the buckets with milk, once again allowing for the community to live in peace and tranquility. However, they had not quite recovered from the recent events, and were worried as to the inevitable eventuality that this cow, as well, would one day pass away.

The elders of the community found it wise to arrange for more cows, to prevent this issue from reoccurring. They would get a bull, so to never encounter such a predicament again.

And so the day came to pass, when the whole town stood around to watch the events unfold. The bull approached the cow, but unfortunately it's mate showed no interest, and the plan seemed unsuccessful. The townspeople grew nervous as the bull again approached the cow, yet the cow clearly displayed it's disinterest.

So they went to the Rav of the community, and asked his advice. After hearing the events, the Rav asked, "Might the cow be from Minsk?"
"Why yes, how did you know?"
"Mayn vaib iz oich fun Minsk"

Offline Dan

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http://www.theonion.com/video/apple-fans-chopping-off-hands-in-anticipation-of-n,19084/

C'mon Apple fanbois...your fearless leader says you'll like it ;)
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline lubaby

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Greatest Justin Bieber moment!!

Offline lubaby

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In 8 months Google will be 13 years old, when it becomes a teenager, it won't answer anything.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Once there was a small village in Belarus which owned a cow. This cow, baruch Hashem, provided milk plentifully to the entire town, and they were even able to sell milk to the surrounding villages to bring in extra money. With this great asset in the community, they were able to provide their children with milk and live nicely.

One unfortunate day, the cow died. A town meeting was held, and the unanimous decision was to replace the cow. A delegation was sent all the way to Minsk to arrange the purchase of a new cow, which was transported back to Belarus.

Thank G d, this cow filled its predessesor's shoes and filled the buckets with milk, once again allowing for the community to live in peace and tranquility. However, they had not quite recovered from the recent events, and were worried as to the inevitable eventuality that this cow, as well, would one day pass away.

The elders of the community found it wise to arrange for more cows, to prevent this issue from reoccurring. They would get a bull, so to never encounter such a predicament again.

And so the day came to pass, when the whole town stood around to watch the events unfold. The bull approached the cow, but unfortunately it's mate showed no interest, and the plan seemed unsuccessful. The townspeople grew nervous as the bull again approached the cow, yet the cow clearly displayed it's disinterest.

So they went to the Rav of the community, and asked his advice. After hearing the events, the Rav asked, "Might the cow be from Minsk?"
"Why yes, how did you know?"
"Mayn vaib iz oich fun Minsk"

Minsk is in Belarus, but still cute.

Offline mancunian

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So in the city of Minsk in Belarus there was once a man who had a cow. Every day he would give his cow some milk to drink, and every day he would milk it as well.
Someone once asked, "How much milk does your cow drink each day?" To which he replied,
"I give her ten gallons each day, and she's as healthy as ever."
"And how many gallons do you milk from her each day?"
"Ten gallons, just about."
"So your not gaining anything!?!!"
"No no. The cow drinks cholov akum, and it comes out cholov yisroel"

Offline Jakob

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I think we got our jokes from the same place.

One day, the Einsatzgruppen death squad of the Waffen SS arrived at a little Ukranian shtetl and rounded up the Jews to be shot. As the SS lined the Jews against the wall, the rabbi raised his hand to ask a question. The rabbi's wife scolded him. "Shhh, don't make things worse."

Offline ChAiM'l

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Not funny...

Offline Jakob

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It's funny, in a very messed up and sad way.

Offline farmerjoe

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Three men are about to be executed, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew.  They ask each of them to choose their last meal
They ask the Italian, “What do you want?’
The Italian says, “Pasta primavera!  I love pasta primavera!”  So they bring him the pasta.  He eats it, and they shoot him.
They say to the Frenchman, “What do you like?”
The Frenchman says, “Filet mignon.”  They bring him a huge filet mignon and he eats it.  They shoot him.
 They say to the Jew,  “Well, what would you like to eat for your last meal?”
 The  Jew says, “ Strawberries.”
 “Strawberries?  We don’t have any strawberries.  They’re out of  season.”
The Jew says, “Eh, I’ll wait.” ;D
 

Offline Jakob

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Hahahaha

Offline mancunian

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i didnt get the not funny one ???

Three men get stranded on a cannibal island, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew. They are about to be executed and eaten, their flesh made into canoes.  They ask each of them to choose their form of execution.
They ask the Englishman, “What do you want?'
The Englishman says, "I would like an honerable death by sword." He screams out, "G d save the queen!" and they execute him.
They ask the Frenchman, “What do you want?'
The Frenchman says, "Pistol." He cries, "Viva la France!" and they shoot him.
They ask the Jew, “What do you want?’
The Jew says, "By fork."
So they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over, stabbing and poking and stabbing.
They scream out, "Wait! What are you doing?!?!"
The Jew says, "F*** your canoes"

Offline daastorah

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When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?

Offline SuperFlyer

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When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're licking on.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Welcome to our century:

Our communication - Wireless

Our phones - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our food - Fatless

Our sweets - Sugarless

Our labor - Effortless

Our relations - Fruitless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Worthless

Our mistakes - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our youth - Jobless

Our jobs - Thankless

Our needs - Endless

Our situation - Hopeless

Our salaries - Less and less.

Offline MarkS

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ADHD stands for:

Attention Deficit ................Hey,  ...............Donuts!!     

Offline mancunian

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wanna go ride bikes?

Offline lubaby

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So I met this Watermelon once..........

Offline Chaikel

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Not really a joke...
Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline MOSES

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Not really a joke...

LOL
I think I have heard that before while watching some sport....