Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704935 times)

Offline Smokey Joe Robinson

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5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN! (1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up. (2) NOTHING: means something & you need to be worried. (3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission , do not do it. (4) WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying screw you. (5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake...
ROTFL
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Offline Dan

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"Rupert Murdoch says he was very touched by some of the messages left on Amy Winehouses phone..."
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Offline elikay

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"Rupert Murdoch says he was very touched by some of the messages left on Amy Winehouses phone..."
:)

Offline AsherO

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"Rupert Murdoch says he was very touched by some of the messages left on Amy Winehouses phone..."

Ha!
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here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
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"here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!" -chaya suri
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Offline Bh101

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here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
really???? i expect better

Offline Chaikel

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here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
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Offline elikay

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here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
:'(

Offline PlatinumGuy

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20 years ago:

A guy walks into a car dealership on friday afternoon, buys a car for $30,000 on his credit card. Drives to a competitor, and asks to sell for $20,000 cash. The guy gets suspicious, calls the police. Police come, try to call the credit card company to verify, but it was closed for the weekend. He is arrested and held for shabbos on suspicion of CC theft. He walks out, his info is verified, sells the car for 20K.


A year later the court awarded him $6,000,000 in damages for unjustified arrest.



And what does a Jew say? How didn't I think of that!
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline bubbles

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20 years ago:

A guy walks into a car dealership on friday afternoon, buys a car for $30,000 on his credit card. Drives to a competitor, and asks to sell for $20,000 cash. The guy gets suspicious, calls the police. Police come, try to call the credit card company to verify, but it was closed for the weekend. He is arrested and held for shabbos on suspicion of CC theft. He walks out, his info is verified, sells the car for 20K.


A year later the court awarded him $6,000,000 in damages for unjustified arrest.



And what does a Jew say? How didn't I think of that!

lol  I heard this story awhile ago but never was able to find out if it was really true

Offline PlatinumGuy

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It was my shabbos meal entertainment. IDK if it's true either, but I'm sure if it happened it was a jew.
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline madopo

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Whats green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?


A pool table!

Offline SuperFlyer

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5 reason hurricanes r like xmas..

1) family n friends calling

2) last minute shopping

3) no work

4) candles

5) @ some point ur gonna have a tree in ur house

Offline Avid Reader

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lol

Online jj1000

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I didn't post any jokes in a while so hopefully this will help make up. (I hope you guys watched 24)


Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler,stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.










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Offline skyguy918

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Boo, swapping out Chuck Norris for Jack Bauer (almost all of em anyway). Of course half the Chuck Norris jokes out there are probably adapted from something else.

Offline Chaikel

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Great!
And less than 10 of them can be used for CN
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Offline SuperFlyer

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I'm Lost*. never saw 24.

*pun intended, didn't see Lost either, but people tend to pronounce both 'beneshima achas'.

Offline Chaikel

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When getting married, why do they answer the questions with "I do"

Because in the history of the world, no woman has ever answered a question with "Yes" or "No"
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