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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 400969 times)

Offline PlatinumGuy

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'The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.' -Phyllis Diller"
Covid is AIRBORNE. Open some windows instead of washing your hands

Offline yuneeq

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Why do women have small feet?


So they can stand closer to the sink.

Offline jj1000

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Why do women have small feet?


So they can stand closer to the sink.
Small feet=closer to sink? ???
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Offline Moshe123

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Israelis are faced multiple times a day with a critical decision, "Chatzi meichal" or "Meichal malei".

Offline Moishebatchy

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Israelis are faced multiple times a day with a critical decision, "Chatzi meichal" or "Meichal malei".

ALOL!!! ;D

Offline Dan

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"How many blackouts does each team get per game? Baltimore better use one soon... #superbowl47"

"It was The Pinch"

"If aliens began watching us this year they probably think all our major national events honor Beyoncé"

" Somewhere at MIT there's a comp sci major from San Francisco laughing really hard right now. #SuperBowl47"

" I turned the lights off in my house to feel like I'm at the game. ‪#superbowl"

"This is a publicity stunt for Star Trek: Into Darkness ‪#SuperBowl "

"So now Daniel Craig comes over in a helicopter and the Queen parachutes down to fix the lights... wait, no, wrong event.

"In hindsight, maybe installing The Clapper was a bad idea."

"Next time my girlfriend is winning an argument, I'll just throw the circuit breaker and give it 35 minutes ‪#superbowl47"

Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline good sam

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"In hindsight, maybe installing The Clapper was a bad idea."
best by far
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline good sam

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline Yossi.

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
lol. very good

Offline Moishebatchy

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Old one. Has been said about everyone ranging from Oprah to Obama.

Offline good sam

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Old one. Has been said about everyone ranging from Oprah to Obama.
There's one in every crowd, guys
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline Saver2000

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There's one in every crowd, guys
Never heard it. Thanx for the laugh.

Offline elikay

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Never heard it. Thanx for the laugh.
+1

Offline Achas Veachas

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Offline Chaikel

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A little long, but worthwhile.

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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