Jokes Master Thread

[Achas Veachas]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

"And what do you infer from these stars?"

"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:

Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.

Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.

What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Moishebatchy]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Achas Veachas]

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on holiday in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.

"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "Scottish sheep are black!"

To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"

The mathematician rolled his eyes and said, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

[Dan]

"The news is that Asiana Airlines is suing the station.. The law firm of "Dewey, Cheatem & Howe" is taking the case."

[henche]

Old one, was on YWN. (and probably here a year ago or two)

How is tisha b'av like bein hazmanim?
We wear crocs, don't learn, and put on teffilin at mincha.

[Yeki89]

I heard this one last night.

2 Galitzyaners are talking about a shidduch. So one asked "tell me about the family"
So the other one replied, "you know us Galitzyaner are cheap, but this one is real cheap."
"I hear" replied the first, "now tell me a chisaron"

[good sam]

I heard this one last night.

2 Galitzyaners are talking about a shidduch. So one asked "tell me about the family"
So the other one replied, "you know us Galitzyaner are cheap, but this one is real cheap."
"I hear" replied the first, "now tell me a chisaron"

I'll hit you back with a Yeki joke:

A Yeki couple were on the verge of divorce when the husband inexplicably began arriving home late from Shul.  The couple ultimately reconciled after it was explained to the wife that they'd begun saying V'sayn Tal U'matar.

[Yeki89]

I'll hit you back with a Yeki joke:

A Yeki couple were on the verge of divorce when the husband inexplicably began arriving home late from Shul.  The couple ultimately reconciled after it was explained to the wife that they'd begun saying V'sayn Tal U'matar.

Any worse noise then a groan?

[good sam]

Any worse noise then a groan?

I guess I could have used your joke as a template- just replace "galitzyaner" with any discrete group and "cheap" with the stereotype attributed to that group.

[Yeki89]

true, but t.I was relaying how I heard it.
Here is another one.

A pollack walked into a hardware store and asked for a kielbasa. The store owner tells him, "you most be Polish" he replies, "why because I called a hotdog a kielbasa?"
"no" replied the owner, "this is a hardware store".

[good sam]

A Yeki once bought a ticket to Israel and specified that he wanted a window seat.  Upon boarding, he realized he was given a middle seat.  When he arrived, he complained to the airline.  The woman at the gate was sympathetic, but asked "Couldn't you just ask the person sitting next to you to switch?"

"No," he responded, "There was no one to ask.  I had the entire section to myself."

[Achas Veachas]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting together. The priest says to the rabbi, "Rabbi, tell me the truth. Have you ever been tempted, and, you know, eaten pork?"

The rabbi says, "Yes, once when I was young I was weak, and tasted of the flesh of the swine." He continued, "Since we're being honest, Father, tell me. Have you ever given in to the sins of the flesh?"

The priest turns red, and says, "Yes, to be honest, once I did give in to temptation, and slept with a woman."

The rabbi looks at him for a moment, and then says, "Sure beats the hell out of pork, doesn't it?"

[SamKey]

A man comes home from work one day only too have his wife screaming at him "How many times do i have to tell you don't use the guest towels! To which he responds "IF I SLEEP IN THE GUEST ROOM I CAN USE THE GUEST TOWELS!"

[Achas Veachas]

http://scmp.com/news/china/article/1296783/henan-zoo-puts-dog-cage-labels-it-african-lion

Reminds me of the famous joke, I'll write it later when I get a chance

Moishe comes across some hard times and hears the Bronx Zoo is hiring. He goes to HR and the man behind the desk tells him, "Listen, our monkey just died and it'll take us a while to get a new one, what we want you to do is, wear a monkey costume and swing in the branches, entertain our visitors, no one will have a clue". Without too many other choices Moishe agrees. He gets fitted for his monkey costume and before long he slips into his role to the amusement of his daily audience. One day as Moishe is swinging in his habitat, a branch snaps sending him flying right into the nearby lions cage. Before he has a chance to figure out what happened the lion already noticed the visitor and was heading over to investigate. The frightened Moishe, forgetting where he is starts screaming "Shema Yisroel", but as he's preparing for the worst he hears the lion growling under his Breath "Boruch Sheim Kevod Malchuso Le'olam Va'ed". The shocked Moishe doesn't even have a chance to recover before the wolf next door howls "Shut up you Shmucks before we all get fired!".

[meshugener]

ALOL!

[henche]

Moishe comes across some hard times and hears the Bronx Zoo is hiring. He goes to HR and the man behind the desk tells him, "Listen, our monkey just died and it'll take us a while to get a new one, what we want you to do is, wear a monkey costume and swing in the branches, entertain our visitors, no one will have a clue". Without too many other choices Moishe agrees. He gets fitted for his monkey costume and before long he slips into his role to the amusement of his daily audience. One day as Moishe is swinging in his habitat, a branch snaps sending him flying right into the nearby lions cage. Before he has a chance to figure out what happened the lion already noticed the visitor and was heading over to investigate. The frightened Moishe, forgetting where he is starts screaming "Shema Yisroel", but as he's preparing for the worst he hears the lion growling under his Breath "Boruch Sheim Kevod Malchuso Le'olam Va'ed". The shocked Moishe doesn't even have a chance to recover before the wolf next door howls "Shut up you Shmucks before we all get fired!".

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/-chinese-zoo-tries-passing-dog-off-as-lion--180952559.html

[ChAiM'l]

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/-chinese-zoo-tries-passing-dog-off-as-lion--180952559.html

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=13937.msg565777.msg#565777

[Achas Veachas]

And round and around we go... lol

[Yoel]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1001250201

[Achas Veachas]

Great find!

Maybe it should be merged here?