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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 317669 times)

Offline mancunian

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i'm sure you guys have heard of gruntig.net

(i have no affiliation with them or their subsidiaries. but i plotz every time i go there.)

Offline SuperFlyer

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A guy was scared that when people would think that he died, he would really still live, and be buried alive, so after he died, his son found a "tsavo'o" with his wish to be buried only 2 weeks after his death, so to be sure that he really passed away.
So they had a problem, from one side, there is "mitsva lekayem divrei hames", and on the other hand, there is "kovod hames", so he needs to be buried straight away.
They went to ask the rabbi, who thought for a few seconds, and exclaimed:"he needs to be buried right away!"
At the shiva, when the rabbi came to be menachem, the son asked the rabbi: I'm not doubting your psak, I was just wondering, how the rabbi concluded the halocho.
So the rabbi replied: If your father really died, then whole point why he wants to wait, falls away, so you can bury him now, and he really is still alive, there is no mitsva lekayem divrei hames.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Two Polish hunters from Chicago hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose.

They bag six moose.

As they start loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells
them the plane can take only three moose.

The two men object strongly, stating, "Last year, we shot six moose and the
pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane can't handle the load
and goes down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asks Wladek, "Any idea where we are"?

Wladek replies, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

Offline Chaikel

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I could post the letter, but ppl wouldn't think it was true

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.asp
Create professional looking itineraries.
Free trial! Check out eliteitinerary.com
Code:DD

Offline Avid Reader

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A Shviger comes to her son in-laws house for a visit.

Son in-law: How are you Shviger? How are you feeling?

Shviger: Thank G-D I cant complain.

Son in-law: How long will you be staying by us?

Shviger; As long as you want me too.

Son in-law: You mean you wont even stay for a coffee?


Offline SuperFlyer

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Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.  This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.  They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.  They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.  They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free on request.  Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V., radio and daily phone calls.  There would be a board of directors to hear complaints and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.

lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all

Offline Crazy tools

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good ha'arah, do something about it :D

Offline SuperFlyer

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Bob was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 140 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Offline yeshivaman

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What should you do if you miss your Shvigger?


Reload, & shoot again!
i wish i knew what i was doing...

Offline youG

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What did the tired mohel do??



He hit the sack!!!

Offline Avid Reader

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What kind of meat do Mohels like best?

Brisket.

Offline Avid Reader

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Before Mr Yakobovitch came to the US, he took all his money and bought five sets of gold teeth so as to conceal his money from the authorities.
As he enters customs, the officer notices the gold teeth and suspiciously asks him why he needs five sets? So Yakobovitch explains that he is very religious and although most Jews use one set of teeth, he uses two, one for milk and one for meat. The officer says okay that explains two of them but what about the other three? Yakobovitch then says that although most Jews just kasher their regular teeth before Pesach, he has special teeth for Pesach, and one for milk and one for meat. The officer becomes impressed and asks, okey that explains the four sets, but whats the 5th one for? Yakobovitch takes a sigh, looks to the right and the left and the tell him quietly, I'll tell you de trut, vons in a vheil I like to eat at McDonalds too.

Offline YOSEF

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So a shfartza starts working at a small store in Williamsburg, and lo and behold, after a few months he picks up some Yiddish.  One day a chasid comes in to the store, picks out something to buy, takes out his wallet, and pays.  About thirty seconds after the chasid leaves, the shfartza notices that the chasid left his wallet on the counter.  He picks it up and runs outside.   Looks right, not there.  Looks left, and there he is about half a block down.
"Yoily, yoily, you forgot your wallet!!" he screams as he runs after him.
The chasid turns around, takes his wallet from the shfartza, and says, "Thank you, but how did you know my name?"
"Your name?", the shfartza asks in a pant, "I thought 'Yoily' meant 'hey you' in Yiddish"

Offline MarkS

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For all the Canadians out there....
« Reply #103 on: June 09, 2010, 12:18:03 AM »
A man walked into the produce section of  his local supermarket and asked to  buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working  in that department told him that  they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The  man was insistent that the boy  ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some loser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

 Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

 "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

 The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but yentas and hockey players up there."

 "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"


The boy replied, "No kidding??? Who did she play for?"

Offline ChAiM'l

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Good. Now tell us what "yenta" is in the original joke...