Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705139 times)

Offline skyguy918

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2011
  • Posts: 3810
  • Total likes: 826
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Queens, NY
Great!
And less than 10 of them can be used for CN

A lot more than 10. You must really like 24.

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Diamond Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 67600
  • Total likes: 16912
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA GS, AA EXP, DL Dirt, Hyatt Glob, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, DD Diamond, Blocked By @NeriaKraus
Shamelessly ripped off a JB site...anyone else missing 24 since it went off the air?

-Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

-There has not been a terrorist attack in the United States since Jack Bauer first appeared on television.  Can Chuck Norris say that?

-Ordinary people have panic attacks. Chuck Norris has Jack Bauer's attacks!

-Chuck Norris's beard can deflect bullets... Jack Bauer only needs a 5 o'clock shadow.

-If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 12.

-Jack Bauer once lost reception on his cell phone. 24 hours later AT&T announced that it would have more bars in more places.

-When Chuck Norris and Superman have sleep overs, they argue over who has the cooler Jack Bauer Pajamas...

-Jack Bauer is the only reason why Waldo is hiding

-If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat she would move to the back

-Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

-They say you can't go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.

-Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar.

-After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

-There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline jj1000

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 13472
  • Total likes: 6096
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 29367
    • View Profile
  • Location: The value of a forum such as this one is not in that one can post a question and receive an answer, but in that the question has most likely been asked before, and the answer is available to him that will but only use the search function.
  • Programs: 1. Search on google. 2. Search in the right board of DDF with a general word or two. 3. Read the wiki. 4. Read the thread. 5. Ask away.
yes! I thought they were going to make a movie?
See my 5 step program to your left <--

(Real signature under my location)

Offline Chaikel

  • Global Moderator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 6812
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 20
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: LH SEN, SPG Plat, Hyatt Plat, Rav Kav Platinum
Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Diamond Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 67600
  • Total likes: 16912
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA GS, AA EXP, DL Dirt, Hyatt Glob, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, DD Diamond, Blocked By @NeriaKraus
What does the Obama economy & Apple have in common?

No Jobs!
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline BAHayman

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Mar 2010
  • Posts: 1939
  • Total likes: 28
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
yes! I thought they were going to make a movie?

and they will call it "2" :-p

Offline aussiebochur

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: May 2010
  • Posts: 5322
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 24
    • View Profile

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 9351
  • Total likes: 414
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!” 

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!”

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

“I'm not selling!!!...”

Offline Learner-Earner

  • DansDeals Copper Elite
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 17
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: LA/NY
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a swaddle like that for only $43.40! Thank g-d for dansdeals."

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Diamond Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 67600
  • Total likes: 16912
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA GS, AA EXP, DL Dirt, Hyatt Glob, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, DD Diamond, Blocked By @NeriaKraus
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline shach

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: Nov 2010
  • Posts: 656
  • Total likes: 1
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: upstate ny
what does ADHD stand for?
Attention Deficit...Hey Doughnuts!

Offline Cholentfresser

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Mar 2009
  • Posts: 1920
  • Total likes: 50
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
what does ADHD stand for?
Attention Deficit...Hey Doughnuts!
ADHD stands for:

Attention Deficit ................Hey,  ...............Donuts!!     
:P
In order to understand recursion, you first need to understand recursion.

Offline shach

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: Nov 2010
  • Posts: 656
  • Total likes: 1
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: upstate ny

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 9351
  • Total likes: 414
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' 
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber shot him in the forehead, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 9351
  • Total likes: 414
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
This happened to me a few hours ago:

I received a voicemail from continental:" this is mrs ..... From continental, for dr accountholder, concerning ticket of mrs x: if miles are not transferred immediately to the onepass account, she will not be able to fly... Please call 1800..."

I checked, and this lady flew two days prior this message.

For the fun I called CO, but they have no idea why they called.

Offline ez1985

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: May 2011
  • Posts: 530
  • Total likes: 1
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexic Association

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 9351
  • Total likes: 414
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
   
show details 10:46 AM (1 hour ago)
בס"ד בריאות, הצלחה ובשורות טובות!
ויש גם את סימני החג כדי שלא נשכח לצחוק...
לקראת ראש השנה, ולטובת אלו שקשה להם בסימני ראש השנה המקוריים
תלמידי הישיבה התיכונית בפתח תקווה מגישים סימנים נוספים שניתן להעלות על שולחן החג


חסה - שה' יחוס וירחם עלינו
פיצה - שיתפוצצו אויבנו ומבקשי רעתנו
אבטיח- שתהיה שנה מבטיחה ושנגלוש בבטחה באינטרנט
בשר -שנתבשר בשורות טובות
בקר- שנזכה לבקר בבית מקדשנו ותפארתנו
סחוג - שישרפו אויבנו ומבקשי רעתנו
פלפל - שנהיה מפולפלים בתורה ובחכמה
מלח - שנהיה ממולחים ופקחים
צנון - שיצטננו שונאינו
פיתה - שנתפתה רק לדברים טובים
מצה/מיץ -שנמצה את כל יכולותינו
סוכריה - שיסכרו דמעותינו ונהיה רק שמחים
שניצל - שנינצל מגזרות קשות
נקניקיה - שנתנקה מחטאנו ומעוונותינו
תפוח אדמה - שנהיה ענווים ושפלים כאדמה
קציצה - שיקצצו לנו בתשלומי מיסים ובעול מלכות
גפילטע פיש - שנקיא את כל חורשי הרעה ממנו
אפונה - שנתפנה ללימוד תורה וחסד
כיפלי - שתהיה שנה כיפית ומאושרת
גומי - שתהיה שנה גמישה ונינוחה
קולה - שתמיד יאמרו לנו "קולה כבוד!"
חלב עז - שלא נעבוד ע"ז
טחינה - שישמעו ויתקבלו תחינותינו
חומוס - שנתרחק משוד ומחמס
אורז - שנזכה לארוז חבילות צדקה וחסד
חרוב - שיחרבו בתי תפלות ועבודה זרה
דג - שתהיה לנו שנה מצחיקה ומדוגדגת

ואני שמעתי שחסידי חב"ד אוכלים גם קולורבי
כדי לזכות ולשמוע את קולו של הרבי
שנה טובה ומתוקה
« Last Edit: September 27, 2011, 06:02:07 AM by SuperFlyer »

Offline BAHayman

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Mar 2010
  • Posts: 1939
  • Total likes: 28
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
show details 10:46 AM (1 hour ago)
בס"ד בריאות, הצלחה ובשורות טובות!
...
שנה טובה ומתוקה

does not work at all once translated :-p

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 9351
  • Total likes: 414
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
does not work at all once translated :-p

Not even sure where this is coming from.

I got it on my gmail app on  my BB, but after posting to DDF (from BB) it all showed as ????? ??? ?????? ?? ???? and since via wap site one cannot delete a post, just edit, I replaced the whole post by a "."

When I reached a regular PC I posted again, where it seemed to work. Didnt translate anything.

Offline Avid Reader

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 4002
  • Total likes: 13
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: NYC
  • Programs: Starwood Gold, Accor Gold, Hilton Gold, Hertz Five Star Gold, Marriott Silver, National Executive

ואני שמעתי שחסידי חב"ד אוכלים גם קולורבי
כדי לזכות ולשמוע את קולו של הרבי
שנה טובה ומתוקה

Pretty good!