Jokes Master Thread

[BAHayman]

Not even sure where this is coming from.

I got it on my gmail app on  my BB, but after posting to DDF (from BB) it all showed as ?? ?? ? and since via wap site one cannot delete a post, just edit, I replaced the whole post by a "."

When I reached a regular PC I posted again, where it seemed to work. Didnt translate anything.

Lol I meant that once I translated it to English it didn't really have the same effect as in Hebrew... Sorry for the confusion.

[chuchem]

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, well she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what do you want from my life?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . . . El - Al"

[henche]

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, well she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what do you want from my life?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . . . El - Al"

not as funny as my family joke

[hocker]

What does the Obama economy & Apple have in common?

No Jobs!

what i would wish they would both have in common...

[SuperFlyer]

when steve asked to enter the heavens he was told:
only through iTunes....

[ChAiM'l]

?? ? ? ? ?: ?'? ? ? ? ?? . ?? ? ? ?. ?? ? ? ? ?? ?

? ? ? ?

[PlatinumGuy]

You know what would be really cool? A BlackBerry-like device that delivered your emails as they come in, not all at once overnight.

[AsherO]

You know what would be really cool? A BlackBerry-like device that delivered your emails as they come in, not all at once overnight.

No joke

[MarkS]

A Layoff letter from a wonderful boss:

Dear Employees:

  As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

  To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

  This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

 So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.  I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.  They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

  I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

  THE BOSS

[YOSEF]

This is not meant to be negative in any way, and is just a joke!!

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road?
A: To put tefilin on the chicken.

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road on Sukos?
A: To have the chicken shake lulav and esrog.

Q: Why did the Litvak cross the road on Sukos?
A: To put tefilin on the Lubavitcher.

[AsherO]

This is not meant to be negative in any way, and is just a joke!!

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road?
A: To put tefilin on the chicken.

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road on Sukos?
A: To have the chicken shake lulav and esrog.

Q: Why did the Litvak cross the road on Sukos?
A: To put tefilin on the Lubavitcher.

Ha!

[aussiebochur]

Q: Why did the Litvak cross the road on Sukos?
A: To put tefilin on the Lubavitcher.

Problem is they don't have rabeinu tam tefillin

[PlatinumGuy]

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
 
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
 
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of Am ... Erica!!!!"
 
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
 
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
 
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
 
Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check"
 
Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
 
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
 
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

HT @Danz

[PlatinumGuy]

Flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills

out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 256 million people very happy.'

[Dan]

Just me or do those both seem to be in poor taste?  You can make fun of the POTUS in many many ways, but being stupid or throwing him out of a plane??

[PlatinumGuy]

Just me or do those both seem to be in poor taste?  You can make fun of the POTUS in many many ways, but being stupid or throwing him out of a plane??

Not thinking of anything is characteristic of his lack of economic plans, wasn't meant stupidity (AFAIK).

[Chaikel]

A kid came to my door and charged me $5 to give him candy. I asked what he was going as. He said "Bank of America"
-Jay Leno

[AsherO]

A kid came to my door and charged me $5 to give him candy. I asked what he was going as. He said "Bank of America"
-Jay Leno

LMAO

[good sam]

If you were to choose an answer at random from the following choices, what is the probability that you will choose the correct answer?

a) 25%
b) 50%
c) 60%
d) 25%

[AsherO]

If you were to choose an answer at random from the following choices, what is the probability that you will choose the correct answer?

a) 25%
b) 50%
c) 60%
d) 25%

Nice one, it took me a few seconds though...