Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704847 times)

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2120 on: June 08, 2016, 05:58:26 PM »
 
Two letter word -
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten
UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.   And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th
of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind
UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. 
When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

 

Offline dudi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2121 on: June 14, 2016, 08:22:03 AM »
Black humor is like food, some people just don't get it.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 08:33:05 AM by dudi »

Offline shoobi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2122 on: June 14, 2016, 10:48:56 AM »
Black humor is like food, some people just don't get it.

Lol!

Offline grodnoking

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2123 on: June 19, 2016, 02:14:24 PM »
I'm getting a laptop that can sing.


It's a dell.

I'm not who you think I am.

Offline aro123

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2124 on: June 20, 2016, 09:37:26 AM »

Two letter word -
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten
UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.   And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th
of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind
UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. 
When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!
And don't forget the main use , the UPs method

Offline David Smith

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2125 on: June 20, 2016, 09:46:22 AM »
Who do you think you are fooling? You think you are going to pull a quick one on your Creator? Good luck with that.
JTZ

Offline emjee

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2126 on: June 20, 2016, 12:56:29 PM »

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2127 on: June 30, 2016, 11:52:53 PM »
A woman got up from shiva and tells her husband "I learned two things: Shacharis doesn't take only 15 minutes and maariv doesn't take an hour and a half!"
Just remembering this one. Funny.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline JTZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2128 on: July 01, 2016, 12:56:43 AM »
An atheist was seated next to a Rabbi on an airplane and he turned to him and said, "Would you like to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."
The Rabbi, who had just started to read his sefer, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about how there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," said the Rabbi, "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the Rabbi's question, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the Rabbi replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss whether there is no God, Heaven or Hell, when you don't know shit?"
Needless to say, he was able to learn from his sefer uninterrupted for the duration of the flight.
My response to the Rabbi would have been at least I am being honest about not knowing sh*t unlike you who is pretending to know sh*t.  :P
"LESS IS MORE" It is the cumulative effect that kills deals!!! How many times do I have to say this?  >:(

Offline David Smith

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2129 on: July 01, 2016, 02:04:08 AM »
I am laughing even though i dont get it:)


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

http://www.theonion.com/article/study-finds-working-at-work-improves-productivity-2318

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a University of South Carolina student delivered his pizza.

"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?"

"Applied psychology."
Who do you think you are fooling? You think you are going to pull a quick one on your Creator? Good luck with that.
JTZ

Online cholent

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2130 on: July 01, 2016, 02:32:11 AM »


http://www.theonion.com/article/study-finds-working-at-work-improves-productivity-2318

I would be highly suspicious of any study that claims to have found a method to increase productivity by 100%. Sounds like a scam to me. No way I'm risking trying this out at work.
Don't ask stupid questions and you won't get stupid answers

Offline SuperFlyer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2131 on: July 01, 2016, 02:53:54 AM »

I would be highly suspicious of any study that claims to have found a method to increase productivity by 100%. Sounds like a scam to me. No way I'm risking trying this out at work.
The onion is a joke site

Online cholent

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2132 on: July 01, 2016, 03:17:21 AM »
The onion is a joke site

And i should've used the sarcastic font  ::)
Don't ask stupid questions and you won't get stupid answers

Offline JTZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2133 on: July 01, 2016, 03:58:16 AM »
And i should've used the sarcastic font  ::)
...but that would ruin the joke.  :)
"LESS IS MORE" It is the cumulative effect that kills deals!!! How many times do I have to say this?  >:(

Offline Achas Veachas

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2134 on: July 01, 2016, 09:13:02 AM »
My response to the Rabbi would have been at least I am being honest about not knowing sh*t unlike you who is pretending to know sh*t.  :P
If the joke would have been made by an atheist the punchline would have been different.

Apparently the rabbis thought of it first. History is written by the winners... :P

Offline Chapshnell

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2135 on: July 01, 2016, 01:04:49 PM »

Two letter word -
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten
UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.   And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th
of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind
UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. 
When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Unfortunately.. UP by Elal ruined this word..

Offline dudi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2136 on: July 05, 2016, 01:40:42 PM »
בנקאי: שלום יאיר
אני: שלום, רציתי לשאול לגבי עמלה של 19 ש"ח שגביתם על צ'ק שלי שהוחזר
בנקאי: תן לי רגע להסתכל
אני: בכיף
בנקאי: אני רואה שהייתה בעיה עם החתימה שלך על הצ'ק
אני: מה הייתה הבעיה?
בנקאי: זה לא נראה כמו החתימה שלך
אני: אבל הרגע אמרת החתימה שלך
בנקאי: החתימה שלך לא נראית כמו החתימה שלך
אני:
בנקאי:
אני: אבל אני חתמתי על הצ'ק
בנקאי: זה לא נראה ככה
אני: אוקיי, ונגיד שזו לא החתימה שלי, אתם ישר גובים עמלה של 19 ש"ח על ביטול צ'ק? לא תרימו אלי טלפון לשאול?
בנקאי: לא, אתה מצפה שנתקשר לכל לקוח שיש בעיה עם החתימה שלו?
אני: כן
בנקאי: אנחנו לא עושים את זה
אני: אני יודע, הרבה יותר קל לגבות 19 ש"ח
בנקאי: אין לך מה לעשות, זה מתנהל מחוץ לבנק
אני: מצידי שזה יתנהל בג'ימבורי של הילדים שלי, אתם צריכים להתקשר על דבר כזה. יש אזרחים שעבורם 19 ש"ח זה הרבה כסף
בנקאי: זה מעניין לי את האאודי החדשה שקניתי אתמול
אני:
בנקאי:
אני: תגיד, למה בכלל זה בעיה שהחתימה לא נראית כמו החתימה שלי? מה החשש?
בנקאי: שמישהו אחר זייף את הצ'ק שלך וחתם במקומך
אני: אוקיי, וזה לא נראה לך הגיוני להתקשר לעדכן אותי שיש חשש שגנבו לי פנקס צ'קים ושמישהו מנסה לזייף את החתימה שלי? מחר הוא יצליח לזייף וימשכו מהעובר ושב שלי 10,000 שקל
בנקאי: אין לך 10,000 שקל בעובר ושב
אני: זו לא הנקודה
בנקאי: חחחח
אני: יש לי ניירות ערך
בנקאי: נייר ערך
אני: שעשה יופי של תשואה השנה
בנקאי: בזה אתה צודק
אני: תודה רבה
בנקאי: 21 שקלים רווח
אני: מה שמשנה זה האחוזים לא המספרים
בנקאי: מה שתגיד
אני:
בנקאי:
אני: הבנתי. טוב, אני מוותר.
בנקאי: שיהיה בהצלחה
אני: בהצלחה לך. אגב, ראיתי את האאודי החדשה שלך בחוץ. באמת יפה
בנקאי:
אני: מה הצבע? לבן שריטה נכון? אהבתי
בנקאי: אין עליה שריטה
אני: יכול להיות, אעבור שם שוב לראות
בנקאי: אתה באמת רוצה להסתבך עם עובד בנק?
אני: אין לך מה לעשות, זה מתנהל מחוץ לבנק
בנקאי:
אני:
בנקאי: אני אדע שזה אתה
אני: איך תדע? זה לא שאני ארשום את השם שלי
בנקאי: גם אם תעשה קשקוש הכי קטן אני אדע שזה ממך
אני: רואה? עכשיו קח את היכולת הזו ותיישם אותה על הצ'ק שלי
בנקאי:
אני:
בנקאי:
אני: מעניין אם יש לי עדיין את המפסלת באוטו
בנקאי: העמלה הוחזרה!
אני: ו?
בנקאי: הצ'ק יופקד מחדש
אני: כל הכבוד. תתחדש

Offline Moshe123

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2137 on: July 05, 2016, 01:44:34 PM »
lol

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2138 on: July 05, 2016, 01:47:23 PM »
Wouldn't work in any other language...  ;D

Offline dudi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2139 on: July 05, 2016, 02:05:14 PM »
Wouldn't work in any other language...  ;D
I think it would but no patience to translate