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« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 377055 times)

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2205 on: September 19, 2016, 02:36:34 PM »
The Haircut


Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


As Ronald Reagan said: "BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!"

Offline Centro

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2206 on: September 20, 2016, 08:14:03 PM »
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

Offline sillypainter

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2207 on: September 20, 2016, 08:17:50 PM »
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

Lol

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2208 on: September 20, 2016, 09:24:21 PM »
The Haircut


Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


As Ronald Reagan said: "BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!"
Mark Twain, not Ronald Reagan.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2209 on: September 20, 2016, 11:53:40 PM »
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline Centro

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2210 on: September 21, 2016, 12:27:45 AM »

Offline Freddie

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2211 on: September 27, 2016, 02:03:30 AM »
I'm an American and I'm sick of people saying we're the dumbest country in the world.
Personally I think Europe is the dumbest country in the world.

Offline User6669

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2212 on: September 27, 2016, 08:17:30 PM »
I'm an American and I'm sick of people saying we're the dumbest country in the world.
Personally I think Europe is the dumbest country in the world.

Is that a joke?  ;)
".איזהו חכם, הלומד מכל אדם"

Offline 12HRS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2213 on: September 27, 2016, 08:34:52 PM »

Offline User6669

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2214 on: September 27, 2016, 08:44:52 PM »
".איזהו חכם, הלומד מכל אדם"

Offline AnonymousUser

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2215 on: September 27, 2016, 10:32:08 PM »
I'm an American and I'm sick of people saying we're the dumbest country in the world.
Personally I think Europe is the dumbest country in the world.
I could totally hear a teenage saying that nowadays.

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2216 on: September 27, 2016, 11:54:34 PM »
I could totally hear a teenage saying that nowadays.
Sean Hannity used to have man on the street segments full of those types of lines from real people, often about the President, VP etc etc
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2217 on: September 28, 2016, 12:03:10 AM »
Sean Hannity used to have man on the street segments full of those types of lines from real people, often about the President, VP etc etc
Ah, Sean Hannity, the winner of last night's debate.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2218 on: September 28, 2016, 12:46:22 AM »
Ah, Sean Hannity, the winner of last night's debate.
I rarely hear him anymore, don't do that much driving when he's on.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline yoruel

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2219 on: October 10, 2016, 02:53:46 PM »
Maybe old:

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.
 
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.
"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
(Rabbi nods yes)
"Did you see me order this meal?"
(again he nods yes)
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
(again he nods yes)
"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal took place under strict Rabbinical supervision!