Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704885 times)

Offline TimT

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 20K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 22077
  • Total likes: 7130
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2220 on: October 10, 2016, 04:37:12 PM »
Trump enters the White House....  ;D ;D

Online nafnaf12

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2012
  • Posts: 4192
  • Total likes: 251
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 79
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2221 on: October 11, 2016, 04:07:56 PM »
Gmar tov, If I ever hurt you or ever offended you, you should know it wasn't supposed to be that way it was locker room talk.
A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Offline TimT

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 20K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 22077
  • Total likes: 7130
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2222 on: October 11, 2016, 04:11:58 PM »
Gmar tov, If I ever hurt you or ever offended you, you should know it wasn't supposed to be that way it was locker room talk.
Interesting choice of thread to post it in.
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=67087.0

Online nafnaf12

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2012
  • Posts: 4192
  • Total likes: 251
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 79
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2223 on: October 11, 2016, 04:14:37 PM »
Gmar tov, If I ever hurt you or ever offended you, you should know it wasn't supposed to be that way it was locker room talk.
that was joke part
Interesting choice of thread to post it in.
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=67087.0
A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Offline eliraps

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Oct 2010
  • Posts: 889
  • Total likes: 16
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: ORD
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2224 on: October 31, 2016, 08:48:18 PM »
Hilchos Halloween

1) No trick or treating until sundown. This year not before 5:54PM in the NY area. Children may trick or treat earlier for Chinuch, but it’s preferable if they wait until the zman.

2) A scary costume is preferable, but b’dieved, one dressed as a princess or Power Ranger has fulfilled the obligation of dressing up.

3) One who turns off the lights and pretends to be away is not fulfilling the mitzvah of Trick or Treat.

4) Shaving cream used for tricks does not require kosher supervision.

5) If Halloween falls out on Shabbos, trick or treating within the eruv is permissible. If there is no eruv, one still trick or treats, but the custom is to cut a hole in bottom of the plastic jack o’ lantern so the candy goes to waste.

6) To be considered a trick, one must damage property valued at at least one perutah (approx. 5 cents). A trick must also inconvenience the victim by at least 6.7 minutes. In case of emergency, there is a lenient position of 4.8 minutes one may be allowed to rely on. Consult your halakhic authority.

7) The pumpkin should be placed on the top step, to the right of the door.
It is preferable to use a real pumpkin as a jack o’ lantern. B’dieved, plastic is also acceptable.

9) One does not make a blessing before trick or treating, because it is not certain that the homeowner will be home.

10) When giving candy, one must give an amount at least the size of an olive (About five candy corn). Some are of the opinion that it has to be at least the size of an egg. (twelve candy corns). This opinion is preferable.

11) When throwing eggs at cars, one should be careful not to drop any eggs prior to throwing them. Remember, Ba’al Tashchis!

Offline ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 15618
  • Total likes: 7710
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 19
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
  • Programs: בשורת הגאולה. From Exile to Redemption. GIYF. AAdvantage Executive Platinum®
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2225 on: October 31, 2016, 09:12:12 PM »
Hilchos Halloween
....

11) When throwing eggs at cars, one should be careful not to drop any eggs prior to throwing them. Remember, Ba’al Tashchis!
As in בעל (avoda zara)
Rather than בל תשחית
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline Iz

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Dec 2014
  • Posts: 7001
  • Total likes: 460
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 13
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2226 on: October 31, 2016, 09:28:20 PM »
As in בעל (avoda zara)
Rather than בל תשחית
No, Tashchis's husband.

Offline ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 15618
  • Total likes: 7710
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 19
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
  • Programs: בשורת הגאולה. From Exile to Redemption. GIYF. AAdvantage Executive Platinum®
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2227 on: October 31, 2016, 10:17:19 PM »
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 15618
  • Total likes: 7710
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 19
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
  • Programs: בשורת הגאולה. From Exile to Redemption. GIYF. AAdvantage Executive Platinum®
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2228 on: October 31, 2016, 10:17:39 PM »
מִכֹּל הַבְּהֵמָה.. תִּקַּח לְךָ.. אִישׁ וְאִשְׁתּוֹ..
גַּם מֵעוֹף הַשָּׁמַיִם שִׁבְעָה שִׁבְעָה זָכָר וּנְקֵבָה..
מדוע בבהמות אומר "איש ואשתו" ובעופות אומר "זכר ונקבה"?
ווייל ווען עס קומט צו "פייגעלאך" דארף מען מאכן זיכער אז דער מאן איז א "זכר", און די פרוי איז א "נקבה"!
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline ckmk47

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Aug 2012
  • Posts: 7961
  • Total likes: 1044
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
  • Location: brooklyn
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2229 on: November 01, 2016, 12:18:47 AM »
My favorite cause: cssy.org

Offline ludmila

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Aug 2012
  • Posts: 5147
  • Total likes: 271
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: IND
  • Programs: Hilton Diamond,Marriott Platinum,SPG Platinum.
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2230 on: November 19, 2016, 05:07:08 PM »
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
Nice  :)
I was the Best,still the Best, and will always be the Best.
Pele Good,Maradona Better, George Best.

Offline TimT

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 20K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 22077
  • Total likes: 7130
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2231 on: November 26, 2016, 10:55:34 PM »
What do you call a basement full of liberals?
A whine cellar
HT WA

Offline myi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 20K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Feb 2015
  • Posts: 23540
  • Total likes: 2427
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 356
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: InMyPants! 🙈
  • Programs: 2Many2List!
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2232 on: November 26, 2016, 11:17:20 PM »
Might be an old joke but just heard it tonight, 
A man went on a date with his future wife and went to a baseball game and while sitting on the bleachers the man had to let out a russion missle(a skud or for English speaking people a fart) so not knowing what to do he starting banging his feet on the floor to cover up for the noise, and surely his dear wife(future wife) asked why are you banging your feet, so he replyed that my foot fell asleep and was banging it to awake it, and the wife answered it sure sounded like it fell asleep I even heard it snore! Laughing :)

Or another one which was prob heard before, ‎
Was about a couple dating and the boy had to use the B-room and did not want his wife hearing him use the bathroom standing and have the noise from standing and the noise as it lands in the bowl, so he turned on the shower to cover up for the noise and when he comes out his dear wife says wow you pee like a horse! ;)
Quote
Need your LG Exalt fixed? Cracked in half? Water damage? Or parts to repair yourself. 347.201.2501

Offline good sam

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 3340
  • Total likes: 558
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2233 on: November 27, 2016, 01:12:19 AM »
Well written.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline shulem92

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Feb 2015
  • Posts: 2955
  • Total likes: 122
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2234 on: November 27, 2016, 01:25:16 AM »


wow you pee like a horse! ;)
That joke goes so much better in Yiddish!

Offline ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 15618
  • Total likes: 7710
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 19
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
  • Programs: בשורת הגאולה. From Exile to Redemption. GIYF. AAdvantage Executive Platinum®
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2235 on: November 27, 2016, 10:04:44 AM »
That joke goes so much better in Yiddish!
As do many
#ShimonDziganFan
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 9351
  • Total likes: 414
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2236 on: November 27, 2016, 10:43:52 AM »
Those jokes aren't from Dzigan, but he's for sure the king of the jokes.

Offline ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 15618
  • Total likes: 7710
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 19
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
  • Programs: בשורת הגאולה. From Exile to Redemption. GIYF. AAdvantage Executive Platinum®
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2237 on: November 27, 2016, 12:32:37 PM »
Those jokes aren't from Dzigan, but he's for sure the king of the jokes.
I didn't think they were.

I am quite familiar with a nice chunk of his repertoire.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Online Yehuda57

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2014
  • Posts: 4891
  • Total likes: 14679
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
    • View Profile
    • Squilled
  • Location: Brooklyn
  • Programs: Official Dansdeals salad correspondent
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2238 on: December 14, 2016, 12:16:16 PM »
So who is Trump?
Someone who actually cares about the country and trying to make it great again?

Offline Luvtotravel

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2012
  • Posts: 3014
  • Total likes: 131
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
    • View Profile
  • Location: Ny
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2239 on: January 02, 2017, 09:35:40 AM »
A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl.  
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.  

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.  

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions.  

Have you any grounds?  
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.  

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?  
It made of concrete.  

I don't think you understand.  
Does either of you have a real grudge?  
No, we have carport, and not need one.  

I mean what are your relations like?  
All my relations still in Poland.  

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?  
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.  

Does your wife beat you up?  
No, I always up before her.  

Why do you want this divorce?  

She going to kill me.  

What makes you think that?  

I got proof.  

What kind of proof?  

She going to poison me.  


She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.  

I can read, and it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~
Don't wait for the perfect moment; take the moment and make it perfect.