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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 291546 times)

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2250 on: January 07, 2017, 10:03:00 PM »
The following will be appreciated by "insiders", but since I'm not aware of another thread for jokes, I'll post it here (also, don't get caught with technicalities, if you are familiar with the subjects it should put a good smile on your face)

Eastern Parkway is the international dateline. On one side 749, it is always night, on the other 770, it is always day.
Do you know what the international date line is?
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2251 on: January 07, 2017, 10:17:10 PM »
Do you know what the international date line is?
I specifically said:
The following will be appreciated by "insiders", but since I'm not aware of another thread for jokes, I'll post it here (also, don't get caught with technicalities, if you are familiar with the subjects it should put a good smile on your face)
And for the record, I personally avoid crossing the international dateline (not the one in the joke, but the one in the Pacific).
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2252 on: January 07, 2017, 10:29:18 PM »


I specifically said:
I know, just teasing.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline MeirS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2253 on: January 07, 2017, 11:11:27 PM »


And for the record, I personally avoid crossing the international dateline (not the one in the joke, but the one in the Pacific).

Why?

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2254 on: January 07, 2017, 11:22:31 PM »

Why?
Why get involved in Halachic Shaalos?

There were quite a few people who were instructed by the Rebbe to travel to Australia without crossing the dateline.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2255 on: January 07, 2017, 11:25:16 PM »
I know, just teasing.
Are you at least familiar enough with the subjects of the joke to actually appreciate the wit?
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2256 on: January 07, 2017, 11:30:49 PM »
Are you at least familiar enough with the subjects of the joke to actually appreciate the wit?
Nope. That's why I focused on technicalities.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2257 on: January 07, 2017, 11:31:35 PM »
Why get involved in Halachic Shaalos?

There were quite a few people who were instructed by the Rebbe to travel to Australia without crossing the dateline.
It would be a lot more interesting if you refused to cross the line in the joke.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2258 on: January 07, 2017, 11:33:26 PM »
It would be a lot more interesting if you refused to cross the line in the joke.
Let's just say that while I do cross Eastern Parkway, I don't walk into 749  ;) I prefer to remain on the side of permanent daytime!
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline MeirS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2259 on: January 08, 2017, 12:18:30 AM »
Why get involved in Halachic Shaalos?

There were quite a few people who were instructed by the Rebbe to travel to Australia without crossing the dateline.
Whilst I'm a major critic of those who cross during Sefira and just do Shavuos a day off, I once traveled to South East Asia and back during Sefira and I couldn't come up with any significant Shaalos (I'm comfortable saying that I've looked into it extensively). All the more so during the rest of the year (midweek).

Offline MeirS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2260 on: January 25, 2017, 12:51:02 PM »
Obama meets the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen. "The important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned and then asked, "but how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent? "

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy: you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. Watch:

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.  "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you? "

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty? "

The Queen smiled and said.
"Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child.  It is not your brother and it is not your sister.  Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me!"

"Yes, very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me.  Your mother and father have a child.  It's not your brother and it's not your sister.  Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisers and asked everyone.

But none could give him an answer. 

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in Congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey, Paul, see if you can answer this question. Your mother and father have a child, and it's not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy; it's me!"

Biden smiled and said, "Good answer, Paul!".

Biden then went back to speak with President Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS......

Offline MeirS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2261 on: January 31, 2017, 01:15:24 AM »
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: Whatís the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isnít any difference; itís all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then Iíd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. Itís my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: Youíve got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: Iíll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesnít mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We donít have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you havenít actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so Iíll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you canít do that. If you buy paint and donít use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you donít, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I donít keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, ďPaint on sale from $10 a litreĒ signs?
Clerk: Well thatís for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! Iíll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I donít think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you wonít be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: Thatís if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, youíll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, weíll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe youíre getting it now, sir.
Customer: Youíre insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with Friday Fun Airlines!
« Last Edit: January 31, 2017, 01:28:29 AM by MeirS »

Offline MeirS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2262 on: January 31, 2017, 01:17:55 AM »
Customer: Hi. How much is your
paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends
on quite a lot of things.
..................................
Clerk: No, weíll charge you an
extra use fee plus the
difference on your next gallon
of paint. But I believe youíre
getting it now, sir. Customer: Youíre insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with
Friday Fun Airlines!

I think this was awesome!

About a third of the way through I guessed what the author was getting at.

I received this on Thursday night, now although this really should've been posted on a Friday, I was looking for that right thread to post in until I just gave up and put it here.

Offline sag95

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2263 on: January 31, 2017, 01:25:30 AM »
I think this was awesome!

About a third of the way through I guessed what the author was getting at.

I received this on Thursday night, now although this really should've been posted on a Friday, I was looking for that right thread to post in until I just gave up and put it here.
Not bad, but were you really looking for the right thread since Friday?

Offline MeirS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2264 on: January 31, 2017, 01:29:16 AM »
Not bad, but were you really looking for the right thread since Friday?
Yup!
During all my spare time since Friday!