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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 323431 times)

Offline etech0

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Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline AnonymousUser

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2266 on: February 02, 2017, 11:15:01 PM »
I think this was awesome!

About a third of the way through I guessed what the author was getting at.

I received this on Thursday night, now although this really should've been posted on a Friday, I was looking for that right thread to post in until I just gave up and put it here.
I thought it was Verizon, but it's not fully parallel.

Offline Freddie

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2267 on: February 03, 2017, 01:25:22 AM »
Why get involved in Halachic Shaalos?

There were quite a few people who were instructed by the Rebbe to travel to Australia without crossing the dateline.

Sefira or b'chlal?

Online ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2268 on: February 03, 2017, 04:56:24 AM »
Sefira or b'chlal?
That. IINM Groner was advised to do so. I know I have heard such things from more than one person, I just can't recall now who it was.

Sefira wasn't a הוראה פרטית, it was a הוראה כללית (which is unfortunately trampled upon regularly nowadays, in what I would consider חילול השם בפרהסיה).
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline lechatchileh ariber

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2269 on: February 10, 2017, 03:51:56 AM »
בסיום השיעור היומי, פנה התלמיד לרבו בשאלה:
זה עתה למדנו שאין בן דוד בא עד שתכלה הפרוטה מן הכיס. משמע שבזה תלוי ביאת המשיח. במקום אחר נאמר כי ביאת המשיח תלוי בזכות נשים צדקניות.
ענה לו המלמד, תלמידי היקר, שתגדל תבין כי אין כאן סתירה: "בזכות נשים צדקניות תכלה הפרוטה מהכיס"...
I don't sin, I give myself opportunities to repent.

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2270 on: February 12, 2017, 02:32:27 PM »
בסיום השיעור היומי, פנה התלמיד לרבו בשאלה:
זה עתה למדנו שאין בן דוד בא עד שתכלה הפרוטה מן הכיס. משמע שבזה תלוי ביאת המשיח. במקום אחר נאמר כי ביאת המשיח תלוי בזכות נשים צדקניות.
ענה לו המלמד, תלמידי היקר, שתגדל תבין כי אין כאן סתירה: "בזכות נשים צדקניות תכלה הפרוטה מהכיס"...
FTFY

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2271 on: February 13, 2017, 05:44:44 PM »
A black man came over to me in the library and asked me where the color printer was. I said, "hey dude, it's 2017, you can use whichever printer you want."

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2272 on: March 09, 2017, 03:56:38 PM »
^^^

Offline hachover

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2273 on: March 09, 2017, 05:49:07 PM »
Apparently, there is another way.

Lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer?
I'm an optimist; but only because life isn't going to give me any other good choices.

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2274 on: March 14, 2017, 12:53:11 PM »
"Since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. My wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare...If it gets much worse, I may have to let her inů"
^^^

Offline grodnoking

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2275 on: March 27, 2017, 12:37:04 PM »
A rabbi, A Hindu, and a politician took a hike together one day. As they took the hike they got lost in the woods. Right before nightfall they managed to find a farm, and they decide they would ask the farmer if they could sleep there for the night. The farmer agreed to let them sleep there, but he said there was one problem - he only had two beds so someone will need to sleep in the barn.

So they discussed it amongst themselves and decided that the Hindu would sleep in the barn, as he'd probably feel the most comfortable there.

As the rabbi and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the Hindu who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a cow there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a cow!"
So the rabbi decided that he'll sleep in the barn.
As the hindu and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the rabbi who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a pig there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a pig!"

So they decided that the politician would have to sleep in the barn.
As the rabbi and the Hindu drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door.


They opened it up to see a cow and a pig standing there, who exclaimed "We cannot sleep in the barn! There is a politician in the barn, there is no way we'll sleep with as a politician!"
I'm not who you think I am.

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2276 on: March 27, 2017, 09:15:18 PM »
A rabbi, A Hindu, and a politician took a hike together one day. As they took the hike they got lost in the woods. Right before nightfall they managed to find a farm, and they decide they would ask the farmer if they could sleep there for the night. The farmer agreed to let them sleep there, but he said there was one problem - he only had two beds so someone will need to sleep in the barn.

So they discussed it amongst themselves and decided that the Hindu would sleep in the barn, as he'd probably feel the most comfortable there.

As the rabbi and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the Hindu who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a cow there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a cow!"
So the rabbi decided that he'll sleep in the barn.
As the hindu and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the rabbi who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a pig there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a pig!"

So they decided that the politician would have to sleep in the barn.
As the rabbi and the Hindu drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door.


They opened it up to see a cow and a pig standing there, who exclaimed "We cannot sleep in the barn! There is a politician in the barn, there is no way we'll sleep with as a politician!"
Reminds me of the saying (is it from Der Letzter Gedank?) where someone was told to sleep in the barn (or something like that), and upon pointing out the horrible smell he was told, "Zurg dich nisht, der kee vet zich shoin tzeegevoinen tzim shmek"...

Offline talmid chuchem

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2277 on: March 28, 2017, 03:46:03 AM »
Reminds me of the saying (is it from Der Letzter Gedank?) where someone was told to sleep in the barn (or something like that), and upon pointing out the horrible smell he was told, "Zurg dich nisht, der kee vet zich shoin tzeegevoinen tzim shmek"...
Or like Yankel Miller saw someone walking with a chicken on Erev Yom Kippur, he asked him "why are you sleeping around such a big cow?". The man replied "it's a chicken not a cow!", So Yankel Miller said "I'm talking to the chicken, not to you!"

Offline MeirS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2278 on: March 28, 2017, 08:47:59 AM »
How ironic

Offline talmid chuchem

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2279 on: March 28, 2017, 11:59:57 AM »