Jokes Master Thread

[good sam]

Q: Why are there no brissim in China?

A: Because the baby is always yellow!

(distasteful?)

[Chaikel]

Special!
For a limited time customers that switch to Va'ad Harabanim from Kupat Ha'ir get first 500 minutes prayer at the Kotel free!

[JEWDA]

If you eat fish for 120 yrs you'll live long.

[Mocha]

Someone walks into a bank in Israel, he sees one line with only men, one line with only women, he starts yelling discrimination!! A teller quickly quiets him down and explains to him that one line is for 'deposits' only, and the other line is for 'withdrawals' only!

 

Brain teaser: who was on which line?

[AsherO]

Special!
For a limited time customers that switch to Va'ad Harabanim from Kupat Ha'ir get first 500 minutes prayer at the Kotel free!

I have a plan with both for better reception.

[JEWDA]

 Brain teaser: who was on which line?

Obviously women withdrawing.

[Chaikel]

Obviously women withdrawing.

Obviously you're not chareidi

[jj1000]

Obviously you're not chareidi

+1

[creditor]

Obviously women withdrawing.

Obviously you're not chareidi

+1

depends who brings the dollar America,men Israel,women
in Israel the women always deposit, men withdraw vs America the opposite

[SuperFlyer]

A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same thing!

[sky121]

A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same thing!

Lol

Sent from my MB855 using Tapatalk

[ez1985]

A Cessna 2 seater airplane just crashed into a cemetery in Central Poland.  Polish search and rescue workers have already recovered 300 bodies and are expecting the numbers to rise as digging continues into the evening.

[SuperFlyer]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

[meshugener]

My friend told me "onions are the only food that can make you cry".  I threw a watermelon in his face.

[meshugener]

My wife saves me a lot of money:   She never miss a sale.   

[ReadsTheT&C]

A 95 year old Yosef was in the hospital when the doctor came in and said "there's nothing more we can do, you have a 24-hour prognosis, best if you go home, be comfortable and surround yourself with friends and family to await the inevitable."  And so Yosef did.  And they moved his bed downstairs and put lots of pillows up so Yosef would be comfortable, and he was.  Yosef started blessing each of his children, saying how they had made him so proud and each thanked Yosef for being a terrific father.  Just then, a smell wafted into the living room from the kitchen and immediately Yosef realized it was his wife Rivka's potato kugel.  Yosef turned to his son and said "Reuven, I love you and please, if you could get me a piece of Mama's potato kugel, to die with that taste in my mouth would be so sweet."  And so Reuven went into the kitchen but came back moments later empty handed.  Yosef asked his son "Reuven, what happened?" to which Reuven replied "Papa, I'm sorry but Mama said the kugel is for the levaya."

-Tizku L'Miles

[jj1000]

A 95 year old Yosef was in the hospital when the doctor came in and said "there's nothing more we can do, you have a 24-hour prognosis, best if you go home, be comfortable and surround yourself with friends and family to await the inevitable."  And so Yosef did.  And they moved his bed downstairs and put lots of pillows up so Yosef would be comfortable, and he was.  Yosef started blessing each of his children, saying how they had made him so proud and each thanked Yosef for being a terrific father.  Just then, a smell wafted into the living room from the kitchen and immediately Yosef realized it was his wife Rivka's potato kugel.  Yosef turned to his son and said "Reuven, I love you and please, if you could get me a piece of Mama's potato kugel, to die with that taste in my mouth would be so sweet."  And so Reuven went into the kitchen but came back moments later empty handed.  Yosef asked his son "Reuven, what happened?" to which Reuven replied "Papa, I'm sorry but Mama said the kugel is for the levaya."

-Tizku L'Miles

LOL cute

[SuperFlyer]

A guy was in his deathbed surrounded by his family, and asked:
My dear wife, are you here? Yes.
My son, are you here? Yes father.
My daughter, are you here? Yes, I am.
So everyone is here? Yes, everyone is here.

So why is the light in the kitchen still on?

[ChAiM'l]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine,

"I just need one copy."

Lesson:

Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[SuperFlyer]

A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.   She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"   Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"   The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need is in the garage.   The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"   "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.   The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."   A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.   "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.   "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."   Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.   "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."