Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 859009 times)

Offline Moshe123

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2300 on: June 20, 2017, 07:00:36 AM »
Most of these don't translate, some are really good.


אם מישהו רכב על סוס ועזב, אז הוא פרש או לא?
 😄
להודות למישהו בפה מלא, זה מנומס או לא?
😛
איך חב"דניק יודע מה לעשות כשמישהו אומר לו "תניח לי"?
😄
אם ארכיאולוג העלה חרס בידו, זה סימן שהוא הצליח או לא?

האם למי שעובד במפעל לספרי קודש יש מידי יום סידורים?
😃
האם יש ערבים לזכרו של הרב כהנא?
😇
אם אתה רוצה לקבל תשובות, כנס לחנות שעונים.

מצחיק שלאלה שהדליקו את המנורה קוראים מכבים.
😂
באיסטנבול לא סוגרים דלתות. הם טורקים.
😅
מה עושים הגויים כשהם ישנים? נוכרים.
😴
שקלתי הרבה לפני שהחלטתי לעשות דיאטה.
😂
חיפשתי את עצמי בויקיפדיה ולא מצאתי. מרגיש חסר ערך.

אם הבעיה שלך היא כסף ואין לך כסף אז אין לך בעיה, לא?
🤑
הבוקר קניתי במאפיה קוראסון ובורקס. הקוראסון לא היה טעים, אבל הבורקס פיצה.
😋
יש לי חבר שלא יודע מאיפה מגיעים מי מעיין. זה נובע מבורות.
😁
תמיד כשאומרים לי שאני כוכב אני ישר מאדים. ובצדק.
🤗
רציתי להפתיע את החברה שלי בעבודה בפרחים, אבל במקום שהיא עובדת יש שלט שאוסר כניסה לזרים.
אז הכנסתי פרח פרח.
😘
הדברים הכי מוזרים שהאדם החליט לעשות מהם אוכל: דג מ-לוח חלב מ-פוסטר שוקולד מ-ריר.
(בעיקר האחרון ממש מגעיל..)
😁
ללחוץ על מקש F1 לעזרה,
 זה בדיוק כמו לבקש עזרה מאף אחד.
😂
היום אחד העיר לי שהזקן שלי על הפנים, אמרתי לו, וכי מה חשבת שהוא יהיה על כף היד?...
🤗

Need a separate thread for puns.

Offline joe1234

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2301 on: June 20, 2017, 11:52:32 PM »
Fed-ex and UPS are merging.




will be called Fed-up.
What happens when you merge the rest of the letters??

Offline yuneeq

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2302 on: June 21, 2017, 12:36:57 AM »
What happens when you merge the rest of the letters??

Things get F'd Up
Visibly Jewish

Offline sguitarist18

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2303 on: June 21, 2017, 01:38:17 PM »
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
 
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
 
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
 
- No sir, Google bought it.
 
- OK. Take my order please.
 
- Well sir, you want the usual?
 
- The usual? You know me?
 
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
 
- OK! This is it ...
 
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
 
- What? I hate vegetables.
 
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
- How do you know?
 
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber's guide.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
 
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,  I already take medicine ...
 
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the  medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
 
- I bought more from another drugstore.
 
- It's not showing on your credit card statement.
 
- I paid in cash.
 
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
 
- I have have other source of cash.
 
- This is not showing as per your last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
 
- WHAT THE HELL?
 
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
 
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
 
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2304 on: June 25, 2017, 05:04:24 PM »
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
 
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
 
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
 
- No sir, Google bought it.
 
- OK. Take my order please.
 
- Well sir, you want the usual?
 
- The usual? You know me?
 
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
 
- OK! This is it ...
 
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
 
- What? I hate vegetables.
 
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
- How do you know?
 
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber's guide.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
 
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,  I already take medicine ...
 
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the  medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
 
- I bought more from another drugstore.
 
- It's not showing on your credit card statement.
 
- I paid in cash.
 
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
 
- I have have other source of cash.
 
- This is not showing as per your last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
 
- WHAT THE HELL?
 
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
 
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
 
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago
Very good, but no laughing matter. Sad/scary.

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2305 on: July 23, 2017, 03:29:07 PM »
Q: Why does Ireland have such a good economy?
A: The capital is always Dublin.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline myi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2306 on: July 30, 2017, 12:24:56 AM »
A lion goes and kills and eats a bull, when he's finished he lets out a loud roar.
A hunter shoots and kills him.
The lesson is don't open your mouth while its full of bull.

 LoL- but a meaningful lesson.

Quote
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Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2307 on: July 30, 2017, 11:28:31 AM »
איזה בלונדינית בג'יפ לקסוס מגיעה לפנצ'ר מאכר ואומרת לאחד החברה שירד האוויר באחד הגלגלים.

הוא קולט שמדובר באחת שאין הרבה קשר בינה לבין המציאות ושואל אותה איזה סוג של אוויר היא רוצה, בצחוק.

ההיא עונה בשיא הרצינות, "איזה סוג של אוויר יש?" הוא אומר לה שיש אוויר בטעמים, בטעם תות, בטעם בננה ועוד. היא שואלת, רגע, כמה זה עולה. הוא עונה 800 ש"ח. היא מוציאה 800 ש"ח במזומן ואומרת לו, תמלא לי אוויר בטעם תות. כל המוסך נקרע מצחוק. הוא ממלא לה אוויר והיא נוסעת.

אחרי שלושה ימים מגיע איזה גבר גברי (מאפיונר רוסי כבד) בג'יפ לקסוס ושואל בקול נמוך "מי מילא לאשתי אוויר בטעם תות בגלגל?"

אף אחד לא צוחק. אף אחד לא נושם. טוב צריך לדעת מתי הבדיחה הסתיימה והבחור בא ומודה. הגבר מוציא 1000 שקל מהכיס ונותן לבחור המופתע ואומר, זה בשביל כמה שצחקתי בשלושת הימים האחרונים.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2308 on: September 04, 2017, 10:52:14 PM »
 
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline Live N Learn

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2309 on: September 24, 2017, 06:48:48 AM »
C/P

This Shabbos my wife served me food from last year, when I complained she told me that next shabbes I won't get anything to eat!  When I asked why, she got very angry and told me that the week after I will have to eat on the street!
".איזהו חכם, הלומד מכל אדם"

Offline Emkay

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2310 on: September 24, 2017, 06:50:34 AM »



770 outside Minyan:
2nd day: 11:00am-12:50pm.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2311 on: September 26, 2017, 10:07:18 PM »
Quote
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline hachover

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2312 on: September 26, 2017, 10:20:45 PM »
We had a retirement party for Bob at work today and everyone was making speeches, so I asked if I could say a word. I said, "Plethora", and Bob said, "Thanks, that means a lot."
I'm an optimist; but only because life isn't going to give me any other good choices.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2313 on: September 26, 2017, 10:22:26 PM »
We had a retirement party for Bob at work today and everyone was making speeches, so I asked if I could say a word. I said, "Plethora", and Bob said, "Thanks, that means a lot."
Very good!
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline David Smith

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2314 on: September 27, 2017, 03:12:09 AM »
איזה בלונדינית בג'יפ לקסוס מגיעה לפנצ'ר מאכר ואומרת לאחד החברה שירד האוויר באחד הגלגלים.

הוא קולט שמדובר באחת שאין הרבה קשר בינה לבין המציאות ושואל אותה איזה סוג של אוויר היא רוצה, בצחוק.

ההיא עונה בשיא הרצינות, "איזה סוג של אוויר יש?" הוא אומר לה שיש אוויר בטעמים, בטעם תות, בטעם בננה ועוד. היא שואלת, רגע, כמה זה עולה. הוא עונה 800 ש"ח. היא מוציאה 800 ש"ח במזומן ואומרת לו, תמלא לי אוויר בטעם תות. כל המוסך נקרע מצחוק. הוא ממלא לה אוויר והיא נוסעת.

אחרי שלושה ימים מגיע איזה גבר גברי (מאפיונר רוסי כבד) בג'יפ לקסוס ושואל בקול נמוך "מי מילא לאשתי אוויר בטעם תות בגלגל?"

אף אחד לא צוחק. אף אחד לא נושם. טוב צריך לדעת מתי הבדיחה הסתיימה והבחור בא ומודה. הגבר מוציא 1000 שקל מהכיס ונותן לבחור המופתע ואומר, זה בשביל כמה שצחקתי בשלושת הימים האחרונים.
Why is this in Hebrew?
Who do you think you are fooling? You think you are going to pull a quick one on your Creator? Good luck with that.
JTZ

Offline koplonko

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2315 on: September 27, 2017, 09:33:32 AM »
In order no to insult anyone

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2316 on: September 27, 2017, 12:24:15 PM »
Why is this in Hebrew?
Reason #1 - That is how it was sent to me, and I wasn't in the mood or didn't have time to translate.

Reason #2 - I can culturally picture this happening in Israel, not sure about here in the US.

Took you almost two months to ask the question.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline myi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2317 on: September 27, 2017, 12:37:10 PM »
Took you almost two months to ask the question.
I guess he was catching up on some missed jokes!
Quote
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Offline joe1234

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2318 on: September 27, 2017, 04:57:12 PM »

Reminds me of the joke that a guy went into the surgery room all nervous. So the doctor asked him why are you so nervous? To which the patient replied that it's just the first time that I'm getting a surgery done. The doctor answers back hey this is actually my first time performing a surgery and I'm not nervous, so you have nothing to worry about.

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2319 on: September 27, 2017, 07:16:29 PM »
Reminds me of the joke that a guy went into the surgery room all nervous. So the doctor asked him why are you so nervous? To which the patient replied that it's just the first time that I'm getting a surgery done. The doctor answers back hey this is actually my first time performing a surgery and I'm not nervous, so you have nothing to worry about.
Or the guy who asks the doctor what his chances of surviving the upcoming surgery are. The doctor replies, "Couldn't be higher. Nine out of ten people die from this operation, and the first nine died already".