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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 299598 times)

Offline Emkay

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2310 on: September 24, 2017, 06:50:34 AM »



770 outside Minyan:
2nd day: 11:00am-12:50pm.

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2311 on: September 26, 2017, 10:07:18 PM »
Quote
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline hachover

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2312 on: September 26, 2017, 10:20:45 PM »
We had a retirement party for Bob at work today and everyone was making speeches, so I asked if I could say a word. I said, "Plethora", and Bob said, "Thanks, that means a lot."
I'm an optimist; but only because life isn't going to give me any other good choices.

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2313 on: September 26, 2017, 10:22:26 PM »
We had a retirement party for Bob at work today and everyone was making speeches, so I asked if I could say a word. I said, "Plethora", and Bob said, "Thanks, that means a lot."
Very good!
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline David Smith

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2314 on: September 27, 2017, 03:12:09 AM »
איזה בלונדינית בג'יפ לקסוס מגיעה לפנצ'ר מאכר ואומרת לאחד החברה שירד האוויר באחד הגלגלים.

הוא קולט שמדובר באחת שאין הרבה קשר בינה לבין המציאות ושואל אותה איזה סוג של אוויר היא רוצה, בצחוק.

ההיא עונה בשיא הרצינות, "איזה סוג של אוויר יש?" הוא אומר לה שיש אוויר בטעמים, בטעם תות, בטעם בננה ועוד. היא שואלת, רגע, כמה זה עולה. הוא עונה 800 ש"ח. היא מוציאה 800 ש"ח במזומן ואומרת לו, תמלא לי אוויר בטעם תות. כל המוסך נקרע מצחוק. הוא ממלא לה אוויר והיא נוסעת.

אחרי שלושה ימים מגיע איזה גבר גברי (מאפיונר רוסי כבד) בג'יפ לקסוס ושואל בקול נמוך "מי מילא לאשתי אוויר בטעם תות בגלגל?"

אף אחד לא צוחק. אף אחד לא נושם. טוב צריך לדעת מתי הבדיחה הסתיימה והבחור בא ומודה. הגבר מוציא 1000 שקל מהכיס ונותן לבחור המופתע ואומר, זה בשביל כמה שצחקתי בשלושת הימים האחרונים.
Why is this in Hebrew?
Who do you think you are fooling? You think you are going to pull a quick one on your Creator? Good luck with that.
JTZ

Offline koplonko

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2315 on: September 27, 2017, 09:33:32 AM »
In order no to insult anyone

Online ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2316 on: September 27, 2017, 12:24:15 PM »
Why is this in Hebrew?
Reason #1 - That is how it was sent to me, and I wasn't in the mood or didn't have time to translate.

Reason #2 - I can culturally picture this happening in Israel, not sure about here in the US.

Took you almost two months to ask the question.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline myi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2317 on: September 27, 2017, 12:37:10 PM »
Took you almost two months to ask the question.
I guess he was catching up on some missed jokes!
Don't try to be someone else , be who you are because everyone else is taken.

Offline joe1234

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2318 on: September 27, 2017, 04:57:12 PM »

Reminds me of the joke that a guy went into the surgery room all nervous. So the doctor asked him why are you so nervous? To which the patient replied that it's just the first time that I'm getting a surgery done. The doctor answers back hey this is actually my first time performing a surgery and I'm not nervous, so you have nothing to worry about.

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2319 on: September 27, 2017, 07:16:29 PM »
Reminds me of the joke that a guy went into the surgery room all nervous. So the doctor asked him why are you so nervous? To which the patient replied that it's just the first time that I'm getting a surgery done. The doctor answers back hey this is actually my first time performing a surgery and I'm not nervous, so you have nothing to worry about.
Or the guy who asks the doctor what his chances of surviving the upcoming surgery are. The doctor replies, "Couldn't be higher. Nine out of ten people die from this operation, and the first nine died already".

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2320 on: September 27, 2017, 07:20:20 PM »
Why is this in Hebrew?
Reason #1 - That is how it was sent to me, and I wasn't in the mood or didn't have time to translate.

Reason #2 - I can culturally picture this happening in Israel, not sure about here in the US.

Took you almost two months to ask the question.

And the REAL reason: To get two jokes out of this. Forgot the old classic of this thread? Feeding a Hebrew joke to Google Translate and watching what it belches out?

Quote
A blonde in a Lexus jeep comes to Pancher Macher and tells one of the guys that the air has fallen in one of the wheels.

He realizes that this is one that has little to do with reality and asks her what kind of air she wants, with a laugh.

"What kind of air is there?" He tells her that there is air in flavors, strawberry flavored, banana flavored and more. She asks, Wait, how much it costs. He answers NIS 800. She spends NIS 800 in cash and tells him, fill me with strawberry-flavored air. The whole garage was torn with laughter. He fills her air and she leaves.

Three days later, a male man (a heavy Russian mafioso) arrives in a Lexus jeep and asks in a low voice, "Who filled my wife with strawberry-flavored air?"

Nobody laughs. No one is breathing. It's good to know when the joke is over and the guy comes and admits. The man takes NIS 1,000 out of his pocket and gives the surprised young man and says, That's for how much I've laughed in the past three days

Offline koplonko

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2321 on: September 27, 2017, 09:57:55 PM »
And the REAL reason: To get two jokes out of this. Forgot the old classic of this thread? Feeding a Hebrew joke to Google Translate and watching what it belches out?
That's actually a very good translation for a change

Online ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2322 on: September 28, 2017, 12:03:36 AM »
That's actually a very good translation for a change
But you have to admit it sounds more authentic in Hebrew.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline koplonko

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2323 on: September 28, 2017, 12:48:38 PM »
But you have to admit it sounds more authentic in Hebrew.
In Hebrew I can picture it happening. Especially the part when the husband shows up

Offline chaimmayer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2324 on: October 04, 2017, 07:57:19 AM »
Best yeshivish sukkos joke I heard
A guy is trying to get in a taxi with his ד׳ מינים.
The taxi driver won't let him in and tells him he needs to take the bus. He says what are you talking about why can't I come in your taxi?

Taxi driver answers"לולב צריך אגד"