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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 303890 times)

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2325 on: November 02, 2017, 10:31:41 PM »
Cop stops a car on the highway

“Sir, do you realize your car has been going zigzag all over the road ?”
“Yes officer, but I had 5 beers”
“I’m sorry sir, but that’s no excuse to let your wife get behind the wheel”

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2326 on: November 05, 2017, 02:29:00 PM »
Cop stops a car on the highway

“Sir, do you realize your car has been going zigzag all over the road ?”
“Yes officer, but I had 5 beers”
“I’m sorry sir, but that’s no excuse to let your wife get behind the wheel”
Reminds me of one told in the name of Yankel Miller:

A cop once pulled him over for DUI and tells him to breathe into a breathalyzer.
"I can't" said Yankel, "I have asthma."
"Ok, so we'll have to draw some blood to test your BAC" said the cop.
"I can't" said Yankel, "I'm anemic"
"Well," hissed the officer, "You'll have to walk that line"
"I can't" said Yankel, "I'm drunk..."
« Last Edit: November 05, 2017, 02:32:33 PM by Work-for-ur-muny »

Offline whYME

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2327 on: November 05, 2017, 06:17:36 PM »
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Online Something Fishy

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2328 on: November 05, 2017, 06:30:51 PM »
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.



Who's with me?

https://www.change.org/p/mods-ban-whyme-from-ddf?

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

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Offline gingyguy

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2330 on: November 05, 2017, 10:59:43 PM »
May you slide down the banister of happiness & get many splinters of success up your career.

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2331 on: November 06, 2017, 04:17:53 PM »
Reminds me of the Satmar guy who wanted to announce that he's not voting in the Israeli elections, so he hung a banner from his porch:

"!איך און מיין ווייב שטימען נישט"
^^^

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2332 on: December 08, 2017, 12:15:18 AM »
h/t @Dan



The first Jewish President of America was elected.

Naturally, his first step was to call his Mother:

"Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the inauguration!"

"I don't know. What would I wear?"

"Don't worry, Mama, I'm going to be president, I can send you a personal dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send Air Force One! The President can do these things! Just come mama"

"Ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day arrives and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand raised? His brother's a doctor!"
Brevity may be the soul of wit, but floridity is its spirit.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2333 on: December 15, 2017, 10:16:17 AM »
A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2334 on: December 18, 2017, 10:20:11 AM »
In a particular small country, there was a king. He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him. And the king was pleased.

Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased. The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.

The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Offline eyj

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2335 on: January 31, 2018, 06:19:55 PM »
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
 wined and dined by the State Department.  The Grand Emir was
 unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses,
 salami, anchovies ets) and was constantly sending his man-
 servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

 Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
 glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
 empty-handed.  "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my
 water??"  demanded the Grand Emir.

 "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,"  stammered the wretched
 Abdul, "white man sit on well."

Offline eyj

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2336 on: January 31, 2018, 08:38:40 PM »
My good friend has 2 tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,000 for both tickets, but he didn't realize when he bought them, it was going to be the same day of his Chassanah. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Ateres Avrum in Williamsburg @ 3pm. Her name is Chaya. She'll be the one in the white dress.

Offline noturbizniss

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2337 on: January 31, 2018, 11:49:27 PM »
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
 wined and dined by the State Department.  The Grand Emir was
 unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses,
 salami, anchovies ets) and was constantly sending his man-
 servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

 Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
 glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
 empty-handed.  "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my
 water??"  demanded the Grand Emir.

 "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,"  stammered the wretched
 Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Rip off of what was originally an Indian joke
READ THE DARN WIKI!!!!

Chuck Norris...
...can still do FT method
...READS THE WIKI!!!

Offline eyj

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2338 on: January 31, 2018, 11:53:25 PM »
Rip off of what was originally an Indian joke

Works well for any primitive society

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2339 on: February 01, 2018, 03:21:27 AM »
Rip off of what was originally an Indian joke
Well. The old version of something like this that I heard was that when Anwar Sadat came to speak in the Knesset, he commented upon exiting the restrooms how advanced the Israelis are, that they stock the restrooms with tissues to wipe your fingers clean after you had used them to wipe your....
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan