Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 500763 times)

Offline ChAiM'l

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2010
  • Posts: 1821
  • Total likes: 43
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
A man asks his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take my half and leave you!"
"Excellent! I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now get the $@#% outa here...."
Love it!

Offline Smirk

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 589
  • Total likes: 14
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
&feature=player_embedded

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Just found an Israeli in Shul asking for a cigarette.  When he finally got it he said: "I stopped smoking already, but I can't stop Shnoring"..

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
When Iceland's economy died, its final wish was that its ashes would be spread across Europe

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Diamond Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 63085
  • Total likes: 10559
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA Global Services, AA Lifetime Plat, DL Dirt, SPG Plat, Hyatt Diamond, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, Hilton Diamond, Priority Club Plat, Avis Chairman, National EE, Hertz PC
When Iceland's economy died, its final wish was that its ashes would be spread across Europe
;D
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline Cholentfresser

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Mar 2009
  • Posts: 1884
  • Total likes: 37
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
whats the point of red lights anyways......why can't everyone just go at the same time????
In order to understand recursion, you first need to understand recursion.

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't get it.

Btw, I'm Algeria they don't have traffic lights, at least not in the capital.

Offline mancunian

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 1255
  • Total likes: 11
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
whats the point of red lights anyways......why can't everyone just go at the same time????

i dont get why its a joke - im adamantly against stopsigns - in europe you barely see them, now they want me to pay more for insurance...

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Don't know where in europe you have been, as far as I know they have no less traffic lights then the usa, if not more.

The use of TL?
In very low traffic area, I'd say that we don't need them, but on some (not sure what they are called in english) roads that are not a highway, but where a decent speed is allowed, and its a road continuing for several miles, had it not be for the traffic lights, you would have to stop at every single crossing...

I a lot of countries the lights on such a main road, are calculated that with a certain average speed, you can catch all subsequent green lights.
(Still not sure why its in the jokes section)

Offline mancunian

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 1255
  • Total likes: 11
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Don't know where in europe you have been, as far as I know they have no less traffic lights then the usa, if not more.

The use of TL?
In very low traffic area, I'd say that we don't need them, but on some (not sure what they are called in english) roads that are not a highway, but where a decent speed is allowed, and its a road continuing for several miles, had it not be for the traffic lights, you would have to stop at every single crossing...

I a lot of countries the lights on such a main road, are calculated that with a certain average speed, you can catch all subsequent green lights.
(Still not sure why its in the jokes section)

the truth is im not sure if its my mistake or yours - i meant signs - apparantly the joke was lights

Offline Crazy tools

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2010
  • Posts: 2245
  • Total likes: 29
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: United Club, Avis Presidents, Hertz Presidents Circle, National Executive Elite, SPG Gold
why did the chicken cross the border?


it was a mexchicken!!

Offline Smirk

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 589
  • Total likes: 14
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
I tired to play UNO with some Mexicans today, but the Motherf**kers kept stealing the green cards, so i quit, Happy Cinco de Mayo

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
How come briskers are allowed to learn on shabbos? Isn't their kvetchen considered s'chita?








Answer: it is only s'chita when something actually comes out of it.

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
A brisker who jumped from the 13th floor, awakes 6 month later in the hospital.
First thing they ask him: why did you jump?
Brisker: I had a chashash I was from zera amolaik

Offline Crazy tools

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2010
  • Posts: 2245
  • Total likes: 29
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: United Club, Avis Presidents, Hertz Presidents Circle, National Executive Elite, SPG Gold
wow superflyer you really have it in for briskers!! what happened u couldn't get into shiur??
(the schita "joke" (for lack of a better word) was a good one) :D

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Here's one I made up right now. you inspired me...

Why do briskers use the word beshiite?

So that they won't have to call it politics

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8962
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Getting into their shiur/yeshiva? Nah, I want when its cold, and have my hands in my pocket, still be able to speak.
Do you grrade herr what I'm lemayse telling you?

Offline Crazy tools

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2010
  • Posts: 2245
  • Total likes: 29
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: United Club, Avis Presidents, Hertz Presidents Circle, National Executive Elite, SPG Gold
what's the diff. between "shiytah" & "shuyta"??

just a tiny bit (the bottom of the "yud")

Offline mancunian

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 1255
  • Total likes: 11
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
just got this text (cornyyyy)

what do bochurim and cell phones have in common?
Free nights and weekends. The difference though is, one of them has a plan.

Offline Crazy tools

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2010
  • Posts: 2245
  • Total likes: 29
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: United Club, Avis Presidents, Hertz Presidents Circle, National Executive Elite, SPG Gold
looking for tables,
chairs,
seforim,
building,
bocherim,


rosh yeshiva we have.