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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 288170 times)

Offline mancunian

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looking for tables,
chairs,
seforim,
building,
bocherim,


rosh yeshiva we have.

I know that place!

Offline Crazy tools

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which one are you talking about??? I know a different one!!!!

Offline SuperFlyer

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Three men arrive in heaven all around the same time. St. Peter sees the three men and proceeds to explain to them that Heaven is becoming very full, and they can only allow 1 out of every 3 people into heaven. So to choose which guy out of three that gets into heaven, St. Peter decides to let the person who had the worst death in. Peter takes the first guy aside and he begins to tell his story:

"Well Peter I had been having a very rough week. I have been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me for a long time, so one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure enough there was my wife in bed naked, but the bastard wasn't in bed with her. I searched the entire house when I finally found the prick dangling outside my back balcony. I lived on the 8th story, so I started stomping the guys fingers trying to get him to fall off, but the asshole wouldn't fall. I went back into my room and got a hammer and smashed his fingers again. finally the guy fell off and landed in a big pile of bushes, but the bastard was still alive! I went and unplugged my refrigerator, threw it off the balcony, and finally killed the guy. After that though I felt so bad that I went into the back room and shot myself."

St. Peter agrees that this is definitely an unfortunate way to die, but goes on to the second guy;

"Well Peter, I had just bought this book on Yoga and decided to give it a try. I went back home to my tenth story apartment and preceded to try this new book, when I lost my balance and fell out the window. Luckily I grabbed onto a balcony two stories down, when out of nowhere some guy starts stomping on my fingers! Thank G-d i held on, and when he left I tried to pull myself up, but then he comes out with a hammer and breaks my hands! I couldn't hold on any longer and fell 8 stories down. Luckily there were bushes to break my fall and I only had broken bones and was lucky to be alive. the last thing i remember however is a giant refrigerator landing on me and killing me."

Once again St. Peter agrees that this is a horrible way to die, yet he goes onto the third guy:

"Alright Peter picture this. You're bare @ss naked inside of a refrigerator..."

Offline Cholentfresser

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oldest joke in the book...
In order to understand recursion, you first need to understand recursion.

Offline SuperFlyer

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oldest joke in the book...

my books start from right to left, that explains it maybe...

Offline Smirk

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Some interesting tidbits...There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London which used to have gallows adjacent. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung. 
The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''. If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD".  If he declined, that prisoner was said to be "ON THE WAGON" .    So there you go.  More bleeding history...

 
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". 
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot and "Didn't have a pot to Piss in". They were the lowest of the low.   

Offline SuperFlyer

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Anno 1935.

One jew to Yankel:

Yankel, where do you go on holidays?

Yankel: I go to Krakau.

Jew: Yankel, you are telling me that you are going to Krakau, because you think, that I will think that you really are going to Warsaw, however, the truth is, that your Are going to Krakau...

So why do you lie?!

Offline SuperFlyer

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him:"What's up Abdul,won't it start?

Offline SuperFlyer

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Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.   When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f***** if he needed glasses"

Offline Deal Guy

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Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.   When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f***** if he needed glasses"


GOOD!

Offline Avid Reader

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"Retail Therapy"

Wife to her husband: Honey, I'm feeling a little down, how about we go shopping?

Offline SuperFlyer

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Offline Avid Reader

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Offline SuperFlyer

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Offline Dan

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Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.