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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 308554 times)

Online shapsam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2430 on: July 09, 2019, 07:37:03 AM »

Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2431 on: July 09, 2019, 11:13:38 AM »
"Every machine is a smoke machine" (if you operate it wrong enough).
--------------------------------
I don't say that you should kill all the stupid people, but I'd say to remove all the warning labels on merchandise and let the problem solve it self.
I'm going crazy, wanna come along?

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2432 on: July 09, 2019, 12:36:37 PM »
A group of bochurim were going on a road trip. They had two cars - a station wagon and a coupe. They couldn't decide which of the two cars should lead - some argued the coupe should lead because it's a fancier car. Some argued that the Wagon should lead because of B'Rov Am Hadras Melech. They kept going back and forth, but couldn't reach a conclusion. So they turned to the resident Iluy in the beis medrash and asked him - his opinion.

"Obviously, the coupe should go first - don't you know the rule - Two-Door, V'Shainu Two-Door - Two-Door Kodem"

Offline seeking

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2433 on: July 09, 2019, 02:06:16 PM »
A group of bochurim were going on a road trip. They had two cars - a station wagon and a coupe. They couldn't decide which of the two cars should lead - some argued the coupe should lead because it's a fancier car. Some argued that the Wagon should lead because of B'Rov Am Hadras Melech. They kept going back and forth, but couldn't reach a conclusion. So they turned to the resident Iluy in the beis medrash and asked him - his opinion.

"Obviously, the coupe should go first - don't you know the rule - Two-Door, V'Shainu Two-Door - Two-Door Kodem"
It's refreshing to see a joke that wasnt plagiarised from non Jewish sources.

Like given.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2434 on: July 09, 2019, 02:17:58 PM »
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2435 on: July 09, 2019, 03:16:01 PM »
From Mr Wikipedia

Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2436 on: July 09, 2019, 03:58:44 PM »


That means you've found the consultant!

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2437 on: July 09, 2019, 04:01:49 PM »
That means you've found the consultant!
Very good, very good.
I'm not who you think I am.

Offline sguitarist18

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2438 on: July 11, 2019, 10:32:36 PM »
***Lying in bed after a very big fight***

wife: *very mad, thinking* he better actually give me a real apology this time.

husband: *thinking* what if his real name is Loopa Schmeltzer and Lipa is just the Chassidish pronunciation.


Offline Mordyk

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2439 on: July 12, 2019, 10:20:56 AM »
***Lying in bed after a very big fight***

wife: *very mad, thinking* he better actually give me a real apology this time.

husband: *thinking* what if his real name is Loopa Schmeltzer and Lipa is just the Chassidish pronunciation.
Definitely Lipa and not Loopa ;D

Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2440 on: July 12, 2019, 10:24:56 AM »
Definitely Lipa and not Loopa ;D
Serious :o
I'm going crazy, wanna come along?

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2441 on: July 12, 2019, 11:43:39 AM »
Thieves wander into a shtetl and kidnap four Jewish men right before Yom Kippur, and hold them for Ransom. The 4 men they kidnap are: The Rabbi, The Chazzan, the Shul President, and one of the balei batim.

The community realizes it's a bad precedent, and decides not to pay the Ransom, and so after some debate, the thieves decide that they need to kill these four men. To show that they are not cruel, they grant each man a last request.

The Rabbi says - "I wrote a beautiful sermon for Kol nidrei, it's sure to get anyone to do Teshuva - can I please give my sermon?"
The Chazzan says - "I composed a beautiful niggun for Nesaneh Tokef, and I would love to sing it!"
The President says - "I wrote an amazing appeal that would cause everyone to donate to the shul, and I'd like to give it"
The Ba'al Habyis says - "Kill me first"


Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2442 on: July 12, 2019, 11:52:18 AM »
Chaim Yankel is going on his first Shidduch date. Chaim is very shy, and hasn't really talked to any girls, so before the date, his father gives him this advice: "Since you're dating for the sake of marriage, your conversations need to be tachlisdik (functional) - you need to cover three topics: Food - you need to know if your food tastes are compatible; Family - you need to know her approach to family and family values, and Philosophy - which will help you understand how she thinks and who she is as a person." Chaim repeats this to his dad - "Food, Family, Philosophy, got it", and heads off to pick up his date.

Because Chaim and his date are both shy, things, as you imagine aren't going well. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Chaim remembers his first topic - Food. He turns to his date and asks: "Tell me, do you like soup?". His date looks at him, and simply replies, "No".

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Chaim moves on to topic #2 - Family - "Tell me, " he asks her, " does your brother like soup?" She replies: "I don't have any brothers".

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Chaim moves on to topic #3 - Philosophy - "Tell me," he asks, " If you had a brother, do you think he'd like Soup?"


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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2443 on: July 13, 2019, 11:47:43 PM »
"I'd like a Coke please?"
"Is Pepsi ok?"
"Is Monopoly money ok?"
I'm going crazy, wanna come along?

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2444 on: July 15, 2019, 12:55:02 PM »


Back in the day when Jews were still poor, when a bochur in the dorm was going on a date, his chevra would offer to lend him new clothes in order to make a good first impression. Moshe was about to go on a date, and while he was getting ready, Dovid insisted that he wear his new tie. Moshe comes back from the date, and Dovid asks him how it went. "It was okay," Moshe responded, " I think we might go on a second date". "More importantly, " asked Dovid, " did she say anything about my tie?". "As a matter of fact, she did", said Moshe, " she said, I don't like that tie on you, nor did I like it on the last 3 of your friends that I dated."