Jokes Master Thread

[yos9694]

Back in the day when Jews were still poor, when a bochur in the dorm was going on a date, his chevra would offer to lend him new clothes in order to make a good first impression. Moshe was about to go on a date, and while he was getting ready, Dovid insisted that he wear his new tie. Moshe comes back from the date, and Dovid asks him how it went. "It was okay," Moshe responded, " I think we might go on a second date". "More importantly, " asked Dovid, " did she say anything about my tie?". "As a matter of fact, she did", said Moshe, " she said, I don't like that tie on you, nor did I like it on the last 3 of your friends that I dated."

Dodged a bullet there, they did.

[zh cohen]

Back in the day when Jews were still poor, when a bochur in the dorm was going on a date, his chevra would offer to lend him new clothes in order to make a good first impression. Moshe was about to go on a date, and while he was getting ready, Dovid insisted that he wear his new tie. Moshe comes back from the date, and Dovid asks him how it went. "It was okay," Moshe responded, " I think we might go on a second date". "More importantly, " asked Dovid, " did she say anything about my tie?". "As a matter of fact, she did", said Moshe, " she said, I don't like that tie on you, nor did I like it on the last 3 of your friends that I dated."

The version I heard was that she returned a button that fell of of the suit when the last guy wore it.

[etech0]

Or else the girl said "I went out with that tie already"

[YSP]

The version I heard was that she returned a button that fell of of the suit when the last guy wore it.

That's a true story quoted in "Go, My Son"

[TimT]

Judge: “Why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage ?”
Defendant: Pure laziness, your honor. Every day I said “tomorrow”

[Yonah]

Judge: “Why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage ?”
Defendant: Pure laziness, your honor. Every day I said “tomorrow”

Reminds me of the old Henny Youngman Joke:
David is visiting his parents' graves in the cemetery, a few plots over he sees a man wailing over a grave, repeating "Why did you die so young?" over and over.

Man: "Oy, why did you die so young? You were so young!"
David: "Excuse me sir, you seem very distraught, was this a close relative of yours?"
Man: "No, we weren't related. Why did you die so young!!"
David:"Wow, was he a good friend?"
Man:" I never met him alive - but why did he have to die so young!?!"
David:" You never met him, why are you so distraught?"
Man: " He was my wife's first husband! Why did he die so young!"

[Yonah]

... and while on the subject:

In the afterlife, there's a lot of paperwork. Everything from where you live to what you drive is assessed by the angels based on a certain characteristic of your life. As an example, 3 men who recently died are at heaven's DMV. The angels explain that the car you get in heaven is a reflection of how faithful you were in your marriage on earth. They ask the first guy - how faithful were you in marriage. He explains that he was a travelling salesman who had a girlfriend in every city he'd visit and never told his wife. The angels hand him the keys to a used Chevy. The second man says that although he was mostly faithful, he once had a yearlong affair with his secretary, but ended it, told his wife and she ultimately forgave him. They gave him the keys to a small new Lexus. Finally the third guy says I was married for 54 years until my wife died two years ago. Not only did I never cheat on her, I never even thought of another woman in that way. The angels give him the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce.

A few days later, the guy in the Chevy stops at a red light, and sees his buddy in the Rolls one lane over, but the guy in the Rolls has a terrible look on his face. "Why so glum?" he asks," You've been rewarded for 54 years of faithful marriage, you should be proud!" "I was proud of it," says the guy in the Rolls, "until I drove past my wife the other day and she was on a skateboard!"

[Yonah]

Johnny and Billy are drinking at the bar when last call comes around, and the two tipsy men start walking home. A few blocks later, Johnny realizes that he needs to move his bowels, but there's no open bathroom for them to use. "It's okay, " says Billy, "there's no one around, just make your deposit here on the street, and we'll be gone before anyone is the wiser." So Billy stands guard while Johnny takes care of business. No sooner does he zip up his pants do they see a police officer approaching on foot patrol. Knowing that they don't have time to run, they need to hide the evidence. Billy quickly takes the hat off of his head and covers the poop.

As the officer walks by, he sees the two of them and the very suspicious hat lying on the floor. "Morning Gentlemen, " he says to them, " do you realize that you're hat's on the floor?". The Police officer bends down to pick up the hat, but Johnny stops him - "No, you can't pick it up!". "Why?," asks the police officer - " are you hiding something under the hat?" Billy responds - " as a matter of fact, the two of us just caught a bird under there, and if we pick up the hat, he'll fly away." "Not a problem," says the officer, " why don't you pick up the hat slowly, and I'll grab the bird!"

[Yonah]

Well if no one else is going to post a joke, I might as well. Today - two jokes that my Russian/Hungarian friends would appreciate:

Joke 1:
A reporter in the city of Munkacs is sent to interview the oldest living man in the city on his 100th birthday. So he asks the man a few background questions:
Reporter: "What country were you born in?"
Old Man:"I was born in Hungary"
R:" ... and where did you get married?"
OM: "I got married in Czecheslovakia"
R:"... and what about your children, where were they born?"
OM: "In the Soviet Union"
R:"... and your grandkids?"
OM:"my grandkids were all born in the Ukraine"
R:"Wow, that's crazy, all of the different places you lived in!"
OM:" What are you talking about? I never left Munkacs!"


Joke 2:
During the Soviet Era, before someone graduated from high school, the Communist party would interview them to determine their loyalty. They would ask three questions, and your answers would prove your loyalty. One day 3 young men were set to be interviewed.

They asked the first one: "Who is your father, who is your mother, and what do you want to be when you grow up?"
He replied:" My father is Brezhnev, my mother is Russia, and I want to be a communist"
They stamped his file with a seal of approval, and sent him on his way

They asked the second one: "Who is your father, who is your mother, and what do you want to be when you grow up?"
He replied:" My father is Brezhnev, my mother is Russia, and I want to be a doctor"
They stamped his file too with a seal of approval, and sent him on his way

Finally they asked the third one: "Who is your father, who is your mother?"
He replied:" My father is Brezhnev, my mother is Russia"
"... and what do you want to be when you group up?", they continued.
"An Orphan"

[TimT]

Were an illegal immigrant to be stopped on a New York street carrying a shopping bag full of drugs he’d face life in prison.

For carrying a plastic bag.

[shapsam]

Asked my wife to book me a ticket to Uman for Rosh Hashana :( pic.twitter.com/ByKKqFmtMH

— Zvi Hershcovich (@cholentface) September 28, 2016

[Yonah]

A distraught man walks into the shul of a small shtetl on the market day and asks the Rebbe for help. He explains to the Rebbe that he is a horse salesman, here to sell his horses in the marketplace. But just as he was about to start selling, someone drop a large piece of pottery and the noise scared his horses away and their nowhere to be found, and he needs help getting them back.

The Rebbe thinks about it, and asks his shamash to accompany the man back to the marketplace and bring his 'Shtender' as well, and the horses will return. The Shamash is perplexed, but he goes along with it. He and the salesman get to the marketplace, and he puts down the Shtender. Within 5 minutes all of the horses have returned. The salesman is ecstatic, and tell the Shamash to thank the Rebbe.

The Shamash returns with the shtender and asks the Rebbe how he knew the horses would come back. The Rebbe replied -"In all my years of being the Rov of this town, I've only learned one thing- Alle Ferden Laufen zo deim amud

[Yonah]

Today is national tell a joke day - https://nationaldaycalendar.com/national-tell-a-joke-day-august-16/

So:

A Russian Army General was teaching his cadets about military strategy. At the end of his lecture he opened the floor to questions. The first Cadet he called on asked him the following:

Cadet: "Professor, there are only several hundred million of us, but 1.4 billion chinese. What if we were to get into a war with them? Wouldn't their superior numbers eventually give them the advantge?"

General: "Quantity isn't everything in battle. For example, look at tiny israel, with 8 million people. They're surrounded by half a billion Arabs and they've never lost a war"

Cadet: "I've thought of this, but where we going to get 9 million Israelis from?"

[TimT]

A thief breaks into a chasidishe yid’s house on shabbos nachamu late at night & is surprised to find the owner home. The yid tells him “take whatever you want just please don’t tell anyone that I’m home”.

[Moshe123]

‏ווען די רוימער וואלטן ווען געוויסט וויאזוי היינטיגע יודעלעך רייסען זיך אויף שבת נחמו, גלייבעך וואלטן זיי נישט חרוב געמאכט די בית המקדש...