Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread (Read 714186 times)

SuperFlyer · « **Reply #80 on:** May 28, 2010, 08:47:32 AM »

Lovely.

Crazy tools · « **Reply #81 on:** May 29, 2010, 10:11:59 PM »

why did th brisker go down to his chuppah with his pants off??

Ke'sheim she'nichnas li'bris.........

YOSEF · « **Reply #82 on:** May 29, 2010, 10:31:02 PM »

amazing

YOSEF · « **Reply #83 on:** May 29, 2010, 10:41:21 PM »

I once heard that briskers are makpid to eat on certain fast days which are only d`rabbunun because of the d`orysah of u`shmartem es nafshoseichem.
Given that...
A newly married brisker comes home after shachris on asuhra b`teves and sees a bare dining room table. Turning to his wife, he asks, "where's breakfast?"
"but its asuhra b`teves", she replies in wonderment.
"I thought you knew that briskers are makpid to eat though", he retorts.
"Ok. I didn't realize", she says. "why don't you go into the living room and learn a little while I make breakfast?"
Twenty minutes later the Kallah calls in her husband for breakfast. Seeing the table set for two, he turns to his wife and asks "why is the table set for two?"
"What do you mean? I made us breakfast", she answers.
the husband turns to his wife and asks, "But who said you're frum enough to keep my chumrahs?"

Crazy tools · « **Reply #84 on:** May 29, 2010, 10:45:01 PM »

maybe we should make a special thread special for brisker jokes, there seems to be lots of them!!

SuperFlyer · « **Reply #85 on:** May 30, 2010, 01:47:48 AM »

(Hope this one isn't over the limit).

What's a brisK mila?

Answer: Not just taking of the orlo, also truma, maaser, and a kabaytso...

Crazy tools · « **Reply #86 on:** May 30, 2010, 01:54:08 AM »

the title of this thread says "any type goes", I guess I can't have taanis on you!!

Crazy tools · « **Reply #87 on:** May 30, 2010, 01:56:37 AM »

it used to be that all jokes had a pollok,jew & shvartza in them, now their all about briskers!!

SuperFlyer · « **Reply #88 on:** May 30, 2010, 02:05:17 AM »

Ok, the shvarzes need some attention too:

A brisker, with his thoughts deep in the "kvetshen", walks into the "wrong" neighborhood.

A shvartze points his gun at the briske, and says: I'm gonna kill you right now !
So the brisker closes his eyes, and starts reciting (in the brisk "shma" manner): Boruch ato atto atto.....ho'oy-ho-oylom-ho'oyylommm, lo'mus-lomuss al kidush hashem!
the shvartze sees that his is dealing with a whacko, decides to spare the guy, and walks off.
At the end of the brocho the brisker opens his eyes, and see the shvartze walking away, so he screams at him: Nuuuu, hefsek !

Avid Reader · « **Reply #89 on:** May 30, 2010, 02:13:46 AM »

Quote from: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 02:05:17 AM

Ok, the shvarzes need some attention too:

A brisker, with his thoughts deep in the "kvetshen", walks into the "wrong" neighborhood.

A shvartze points his gun at the briske, and says: I'm gonna kill you right now !
So the brisker closes his eyes, and starts reciting (in the brisk "shma" manner): Boruch ato atto atto.....ho'oy-ho-oylom-ho'oyylommm, lo'mus-lomuss al kidush hashem!
the shvartze sees that his is dealing with a whacko, decides to spare the guy, and walks off.
At the end of the brocho the brisker opens his eyes, and see the shvartze walking away, so he screams at him: Nuuuu, hefsek !

Or Brocho Levatala..

mancunian · « **Reply #90 on:** May 30, 2010, 05:41:46 AM »

i'm sure you guys have heard of gruntig.net

(i have no affiliation with them or their subsidiaries. but i plotz every time i go there.)

SuperFlyer · « **Reply #91 on:** May 30, 2010, 09:50:25 AM »

A guy was scared that when people would think that he died, he would really still live, and be buried alive, so after he died, his son found a "tsavo'o" with his wish to be buried only 2 weeks after his death, so to be sure that he really passed away.
So they had a problem, from one side, there is "mitsva lekayem divrei hames", and on the other hand, there is "kovod hames", so he needs to be buried straight away.
They went to ask the rabbi, who thought for a few seconds, and exclaimed:"he needs to be buried right away!"
At the shiva, when the rabbi came to be menachem, the son asked the rabbi: I'm not doubting your psak, I was just wondering, how the rabbi concluded the halocho.
So the rabbi replied: If your father really died, then whole point why he wants to wait, falls away, so you can bury him now, and he really is still alive, there is no mitsva lekayem divrei hames.

SuperFlyer · « **Reply #92 on:** May 31, 2010, 09:30:29 AM »

Two Polish hunters from Chicago hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose.

They bag six moose.

As they start loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells
them the plane can take only three moose.

The two men object strongly, stating, "Last year, we shot six moose and the
pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane can't handle the load
and goes down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asks Wladek, "Any idea where we are"?

Wladek replies, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

Chaikel · « **Reply #93 on:** May 31, 2010, 10:01:56 AM »

I could post the letter, but ppl wouldn't think it was true

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.asp

Avid Reader · « **Reply #94 on:** June 01, 2010, 03:01:16 AM »

A Shviger comes to her son in-laws house for a visit.

Son in-law: How are you Shviger? How are you feeling?

Shviger: Thank G-D I cant complain.

Son in-law: How long will you be staying by us?

Shviger; As long as you want me too.

Son in-law: You mean you wont even stay for a coffee?

SuperFlyer · « **Reply #95 on:** June 04, 2010, 08:29:50 AM »

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V., radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.

lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all

Crazy tools · « **Reply #96 on:** June 04, 2010, 08:55:28 AM »

good ha'arah, do something about it

SuperFlyer · « **Reply #97 on:** June 06, 2010, 04:11:10 AM »

Bob was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 140 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

yeshivaman · « **Reply #98 on:** June 06, 2010, 07:43:21 AM »

What should you do if you miss your Shvigger?

Reload, & shoot again!

youG · « **Reply #99 on:** June 06, 2010, 08:42:03 AM »

What did the tired mohel do??

He hit the sack!!!

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Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread (Read 714186 times)