Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705289 times)

Offline bubbles

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Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix
because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and
not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."

Offline bubbles

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this one might be more appropriate for an advice thread:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Offline HelpMe

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Doctor: I have good news and bad news, what do you want first?
Old guy: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Old Guy: What could possibly be the bad news?
Doctor: I should have told you yesterday.
"Elvis Has Left The Building"

Offline mclovin

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Doctor: I have good news and bad news, what do you want first?
Old guy: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Old Guy: What could possibly be the bad news?
Doctor: I should have told you yesterday.
:)

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Bill Gates (about as non Jewish as anybody can be) advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 
5000 candidates show up at the job screening.  They are assembled in a large room. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, bespectacled man.  Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try". 
  
Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. 
Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" 
  
Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves.  Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?  So he stays in the room. 
  
Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room.  Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! I'll learn it. Have I got anything to lose?" 
  
He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian." 
  
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonai."  The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam." 
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline HelpMe

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Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonai."  The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam."
I can't be the only one here who does not understand Hebrew. So this might help:

I will translate, but the point is not what was said in Hebrew but simply that it was spoken in Hebrew:
Baruch ata Adonaï: Blessed art thou oh Lord
Elohénu melech ha'olam: our God, King of the Universe
(These are the opening words of many Jewish prayers.)
"Elvis Has Left The Building"

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Be careful taking Viagra if you have a hard time swallowing pills. I tried taking one and chocked on it. I had a stiff neck for a week.
"Elvis Has Left The Building"

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Be careful taking Viagra if you have a hard time swallowing pills. I tried taking one and chocked on it. I had a stiff neck for a week.

coming from the old guy....  :P :P

Offline PlatinumGuy

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I can't be the only one here who does not understand Hebrew. So this might help:

I will translate, but the point is not what was said in Hebrew but simply that it was spoken in Hebrew:
Baruch ata Adonaï: Blessed art thou oh Lord
Elohénu melech ha'olam: our God, King of the Universe
(These are the opening words of many Jewish prayers.)
Recited before every food consumption, amongst others.
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline good sam

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Approximately half of all people in the U.S. are torsos.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline SuperFlyer

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"His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'."

Offline PlatinumGuy

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 Breaking: restaurants scramble to reprint their menus: offer 'socialist fries', free until they run out.
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline PlatinumGuy

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@GSElevator: [Classic] #1: The Euro is dead. They're just bickering over who pays for the funeral.
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Chaikel

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Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline jj1000

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  • Location: The value of a forum such as this one is not in that one can post a question and receive an answer, but in that the question has most likely been asked before, and the answer is available to him that will but only use the search function.
  • Programs: 1. Search on google. 2. Search in the right board of DDF with a general word or two. 3. Read the wiki. 4. Read the thread. 5. Ask away.
See my 5 step program to your left <--

(Real signature under my location)

Offline mclovin

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Wouldn't that get you co-pilot?
tell them its ok you'll settle for a seat in the first row behind that

Offline Chaikel

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Wouldn't that get you co-pilot?
It's discussed ofen platz
Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline L'Chaim

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This is a must read!!!

Offline SuperFlyer

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This is a must read!!!

To make it easier, I've copy pasted the content:

-----Original Message-----
From: [mailto:]
Sent: Friday, May 04, 2012 2:39 PM
To:
Subject: computer upgrade-gevaldig!-bk
Message to Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs
itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors
all other systems. Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, Party Night 2.5,
BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from
select-as needed to continuous schedule Ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to
take over all activity. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, please!!
Thanks,
A Distressed User
----------------------
Dear Distressed User:
This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
people upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
UTILITIES program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once
installed. You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life1.01 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install BochurLife 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings-Alimony/Child Support'. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing
background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having
Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and
problems that might occur,regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to
enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will
return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the
GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional
software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds
5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating
system. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Thanks for using our Tech Support.

Offline L'Chaim

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Thanks! :)
Didn't think of that.