Round up from a great tweeter:
I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the toaster-oven.
Me: "How do you spell HIV?" Friend: "H.I.V" Me: "Are you positive?" Friend: "Yes..... Wait No.....
Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it."
My teacher pointed me with her ruler and said: "at the end of this ruler there's an idiot!" I got detention for asking which end
Dear Board of Education, So are we. Sincerely, Students **RT IF YOU AGREE**"
Mom: "Wake up!" Me: (~_~) (-_-) (°_-) ( -_°) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)"
Female drivers: the reason people look both ways while crossing a one way street"
I'm not stealing my neighbor's WiFi, their WiFi is trespassing into my house-
Two blondes were driving to Disney World. The sign said: "Disney World left." So they started crying and drove home
It's a good thing not everyone has a cellphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green..
If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week & make about $1,000 a week, please contact me so we can start looking together
"
It's ironic how red, white & blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you!
Yahoo got their CEO from eBay? And he wasn't quite what he said he was in his description? No irony there. Nope. None.
To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 and 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for #4"
Fat jokes aren't funny, those people already have enough on their plate