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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 416810 times)

Offline Chapshnell

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2610 on: August 25, 2020, 10:35:11 AM »
Speaking of NY bridges, here's an interesting tidbit:

The Outerbridge Crossing was named after Eugenius Harvey Outerbridge (the first chairman of the thenĖPort of New York Authority and a resident of Staten Island).

Bet you didn't know that!

but was he stable?

Offline Yo ssi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2611 on: August 25, 2020, 11:08:58 AM »
I'm selling the Brooklyn bridge for 50% off
On a serious note, I'm selling the other half!

Offline yuneeq

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2612 on: August 25, 2020, 02:33:04 PM »
i feel like all the jokes in the world are in creation already. Just wait around long enough and the same jokes come back to you.  ;)

Itís an old joke but as a classic it had to be posted. On a side note, thereís nothing worse than the new Covid jokes going around the last few months.

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2613 on: August 25, 2020, 03:57:25 PM »
Itís an old joke but as a classic it had to be posted. On a side note, thereís nothing worse than the new Covid jokes going around the last few months.
l'mashal?
nothings impossible- the word itself says Im possible

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2614 on: September 03, 2020, 01:33:26 PM »
 I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She texted me back and said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect!

I was so happy, I texted it to my best friend and showed it to her, and she asked why I added the apostrophes and the spaces after the "m"s?

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2615 on: September 03, 2020, 01:38:15 PM »
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:

"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline biobook

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2616 on: September 16, 2020, 07:03:38 PM »
One of YitzyS's recent Funny.. Pictures reminded me of this, but I have no picture, so I'll post it here.

It was earlier in the year, when I could still take a leisurely stroll outdoors and meet up with a neighbor.  Sophie is in her 80s, savvy enough to have a smartphone, though sometimes clueless about all that entails, and I've warned her about not giving out personal information.    

She waved her phone at me, obviously upset about something.  "You were right!  They must listen to everything I say!  They want to send me a yahrtzeit!  They know all about me!  My brother died ten years ago this week.  How could they know that? They must have searched through all the records, and now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

An offer of a yahrtzeit licht?  Who could have left that phone message? She's not a shul member, or the target of tzedakah campaigns.  Maybe the JCC, where she goes for senior meals?  Or Chabad, which runs a senior group?   
  
"No, no, it couldn't be them," she insisted, increasingly agitated now at my failure to understand.  "They said they were friends of Mike!  You know him, he's from New York!  What's his name?  He wants to be president!  They know all about me!  How did they find out? They'll do anything to get your vote!  Now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

Oh, now I got it.  The Bloomberg campaign.  It did seem a tad ghoulish for a campaign freebie, but I assured her that they weren't eavesdropping on her.  Lots of South Florida voters are elderly Jews, and they were probably making this offer to everyone in the neighborhood.  

Sure enough, when I got home, I had a phone message waiting from the Bloomberg campaign.  They got me too!  I listened closely to hear the details of this unusual offer.  

"We'd like to send you a yard sign...."

Online YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2617 on: September 16, 2020, 07:13:36 PM »
One of YitzyS's recent Funny.. Pictures reminded me of this, but I have no picture, so I'll post it here.

It was earlier in the year, when I could still take a leisurely stroll outdoors and meet up with a neighbor.  Sophie is in her 80s, savvy enough to have a smartphone, though sometimes clueless about all that entails, and I've warned her about not giving out personal information.   

She waved her phone at me, obviously upset about something.  "You were right!  They must listen to everything I say!  They want to send me a yahrtzeit!  They know all about me!  My brother died ten years ago this week.  How could they know that? They must have searched through all the records, and now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

An offer of a yahrtzeit licht?  Who could have left that phone message? She's not a shul member, or the target of tzedakah campaigns.  Maybe the JCC, where she goes for senior meals?  Or Chabad, which runs a senior group?   
 
"No, no, it couldn't be them," she insisted, increasingly agitated now at my failure to understand.  "They said they were friends of Mike!  You know him, he's from New York!  What's his name?  He wants to be president!  They know all about me!  How did they find out? They'll do anything to get your vote!  Now they want to send me a yahrtzeit!"

Oh, now I got it.  The Bloomberg campaign.  It did seem a tad ghoulish for a campaign freebie, but I assured her that they weren't eavesdropping on her.  Lots of South Florida voters are elderly Jews, and they were probably making this offer to everyone in the neighborhood. 

Sure enough, when I got home, I had a phone message waiting from the Bloomberg campaign.  They got me too!  I listened closely to hear the details of this unusual offer. 

"We'd like to send you a yard sign...."
You had me on the first line!

Offline Yo ssi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2618 on: September 16, 2020, 07:15:18 PM »
You had me on the first line!
And lost me on the second ;D

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2619 on: September 18, 2020, 08:43:58 AM »
A little early, but give it 11 days to age:

After hearing about the aravot's symptoms (no taam, no re'ach), the lulav and hadasim were both placed in quarantine.  People now understood the wisdom of the etrog, who had been self isolating in a separate box the whole time.
I heard the Ushpizin are also told not to enter because of their age.

Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2620 on: September 18, 2020, 12:33:16 PM »
A little early, but give it 11 days to age:

I heard the Ushpizin are also told not to enter because of their age.

They're already dead  ::)

Offline Joeymc

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2621 on: September 18, 2020, 12:38:37 PM »
They're already dead  ::)
יעקב אבינו לא מת
120 characters? Hmm, I wonder what I could write with 64 characters. Boy, it's gonna be hard to use up 15 characters. W-

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2622 on: September 22, 2020, 05:58:15 AM »
Why is there a bridge in NY named after a Polish general? (Kosziusko)

A lot of things have been named for him, including the WWII division Chaim Shapiro fought in:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1st_Tadeusz_Ko%C5%9Bciuszko_Infantry_Division
 

Offline S209

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2623 on: September 22, 2020, 09:24:22 AM »
Is it just me or does this towel smell like chloroform?
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2624 on: September 22, 2020, 09:27:43 AM »
Is it just me or does this mask smell like chloroform?

FTFY. Making jokes current since 2021.
When you find yourself agreeing with me more often than not, it's time for a cheshbon hanefesh.