Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705263 times)

Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2620 on: September 18, 2020, 12:33:16 PM »
A little early, but give it 11 days to age:

I heard the Ushpizin are also told not to enter because of their age.

They're already dead  ::)

Offline Joeymc

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2621 on: September 18, 2020, 12:38:37 PM »
They're already dead  ::)
יעקב אבינו לא מת
120 characters? Hmm, I wonder what I could write with 64 characters. Boy, it's gonna be hard to use up 15 characters. W-

Offline Randomex

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2622 on: September 22, 2020, 05:58:15 AM »
Why is there a bridge in NY named after a Polish general? (Kosziusko)

A lot of things have been named for him, including the WWII division Chaim Shapiro fought in:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1st_Tadeusz_Ko%C5%9Bciuszko_Infantry_Division
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Offline S209

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2623 on: September 22, 2020, 09:24:22 AM »
Is it just me or does this towel smell like chloroform?
Quote from: YitzyS
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Offline Lurker

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2624 on: September 22, 2020, 09:27:43 AM »
Is it just me or does this mask smell like chloroform?

FTFY. Making jokes current since 2021.
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Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2625 on: September 22, 2020, 09:43:31 AM »
Seen on reddit:

A man sees a new medical clinic has opened on his block. The clinic has a bold sign that says - "$20 per visit, and if we can't cure you, will give you $100". He thinks to himself, easy money. So he walks into the clinic and tells the doctor he's lost his sense of taste. The doctor takes brings in a small vial of medicine and puts one drop on his tounge. The man recoils - "Eww, that's kerosene!" he cries. The Doctor turns to him and says - 'Looks like your sense of taste is back, that'll be $20"

The next week he tries again. This time he claims that he's suffering from memory loss, and pretends he'd never visited. The doctor again takes out a small vial, puts a drop on his tounge, and he says - "Eww, that's the same Kerosene you gave me the last time". "Looks like your memory is back, says the doctor, that'll be $20".

The guy waits two weeks, and tries to get $100 out of the doctor one last time. This time he enters the clinic and claims he is having vision problems. The doctor runs a few tests, and ultimately says to him. "You know what, I don't think I can fix your vision problems. Here's your $100" and hands the man a bill. The man takes the bill to put it in his wallet, and realizes that the doctor handed him a $20 bill! "Hey," he says to the Doctor, " what are you trying to pull? This is a $20!" The Doctor then grabs the $20 out of his hand and says - " well, I guess I did cure your vision problem after all, and you owe me another $20!"

Offline joe1234

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2626 on: September 22, 2020, 02:27:24 PM »
I'm selling the Brooklyn bridge for 50% off
Not settling for anything less than the entire bridge, sorry!

Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2627 on: September 23, 2020, 11:37:07 AM »

Why was the Kosciuszko bridge named after a pollack?

It was supposed to be a tunnel...
i feel like all the jokes in the world are in creation already. Just wait around long enough and the same jokes come back to you.  ;)
Why is there a bridge in NY named after a Polish general? (Kosziusko)

It was supposed to be a tunnel

Offline lubaby

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2628 on: September 23, 2020, 08:06:48 PM »
Really old one:



A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Offline good sam

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2629 on: September 24, 2020, 02:53:08 AM »
Really old one:



A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."
Scene from Animaniacs. Ridiculous the nonsense I remember.
If you don't care why would you comment?
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Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2630 on: September 25, 2020, 11:23:49 AM »
Scene from Animaniacs. Ridiculous the nonsense I remember.

Good news - they're coming back - to Hulu:


Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2631 on: September 26, 2020, 08:34:42 PM »



Offline Lurker

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2632 on: September 26, 2020, 08:49:01 PM »


Repurposed from a really old blonde joke.
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Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2633 on: September 26, 2020, 08:56:37 PM »
Repurposed from a really old blonde joke.
And here I thought it was an AOC joke

Offline Lurker

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2634 on: September 26, 2020, 08:58:39 PM »
And here I thought it was an AOC joke

That young grasshopper? She was born after comedy was outlawed.
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Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2635 on: September 26, 2020, 09:02:12 PM »
I heard it about Bush
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Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2636 on: September 26, 2020, 09:16:05 PM »
That young grasshopper? She was born after comedy was outlawed.
You gotta live in the times.

Offline Dan

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2637 on: October 01, 2020, 09:04:09 AM »
גערער (חסיד גור) אחד נעלם בערב סוכות וחוזר אחרי שש שעות.

כשהוא חוזר, הוא מסביר לאשתו הכועסת שהלך לקנות אתרוג.

צועקת האישה: איתי התחתנת אחרי פגישה של חצי שעה, ולבחור
?אתרוג אתה צריך שש שעות

עונה הבעל בשלווה: איתך אני לא יוצא לרחוב...
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Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2638 on: October 01, 2020, 10:47:01 AM »
גערער (חסיד גור) אחד נעלם בערב סוכות וחוזר אחרי שש שעות.

כשהוא חוזר, הוא מסביר לאשתו הכועסת שהלך לקנות אתרוג.

צועקת האישה: איתי התחתנת אחרי פגישה של חצי שעה, ולבחור
?אתרוג אתה צריך שש שעות

עונה הבעל בשלווה: איתך אני לא יוצא לרחוב...

Does that joke apply this year?

Offline Dan

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2639 on: October 01, 2020, 10:48:26 AM »
Does that joke apply this year?
Even more so, everyone will be a Lubavitcher this year with outdoor minyanim.
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