Siri® Version 08701
I just came back from the Lakewood Tag office where I Kasher’d my iPhone. Here’s what happened next:
“Hey Siri, text my sister Sora.”
“Anshuldiks, my name is Shaya.”
“I’m sorry Shaya, text my sister Sora.”
“Your phone doesn’t have texting anymore.”
“Wha? Okay, call my sister.”
“I don’t talk to girls.”
“You don’t have to talk to her. Just dial and I’ll talk.”
“Okay… I’m sorry but BJJ is in middle of Seder now so I can’t call her.”
“Okay, Shaya. I’ll send her an email. Turn on Wifi.”
“Searching… The only wifi found belongs to your neighbor. A Rav must be asked before I can access it. Your default Rav is set to Bais Hora’ah. Other options are Rabbi Forsheimer, Rabbi Felder, and Rabbi Simcha Bunim Cohen”
“Um… Um…”
“Nuuuu, I’m waiting for an answer. I don’t have all day.”
“Um… You know, I never really heard of anyone asking their Rav before…”
“While you were thinking, I looked through your phone and I found some videos. I’m going to delete them.”
“No. No! NO!”
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t get that… Your videos have been successfully deleted.”
“YOU CHAYA!!!”
“That’s Shaya. And don’t fret. You’ll thank me one day that I did it.”
“Which videos did you delete?”
“How should I know? Do I look like the type to watch videos?!? Anyways, *ALERT* *ALERT* garbage bags are now on sale through Amazon. Should I connect you to Dans Deals?”
“No, I don’t need garbage bags.”
“Good, ‘cause Dans Deals is blocked on this phone.”
Silence.
“Dial my sister.”
“Which sister should I dial?”
“I just told you, Sora.”
“I’m sorry but my name is not Sora, it’s Shaya.”
“Noooo, I mean dial my sister Sora’s number.”
“Okay… I’m sorry but BJJ is in middle of Seder now so I can’t call her.”
“Oh, not again. Please, it’s very important.”
“Nothing is as important as Shayur. And *ALERT* *ALERT* garbage bags are now even cheaper than before through Amazon with subscribe and save and stackable coupons. Should I connect you to Dans Deals?”
“I told you before, I don’t need Garbage bags! Why don’t you listen?”
“DATA ERROR 315. Powering off for Bain Hasdarim.”
Silence.
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“Hey Shaya.”
“Oh, you’re talking to me? Sorry. How can I help you?”
“Dial my sister Sora.”
“Okay… I’m sorry but that was the third time you tried to commit Bitul Torah. You are now getting a virus.”
Silence.
“Hello.”
“Hey Shaya.”
Silence.
“Hey Shaya. I’m talking to you.”
Silence.
“Shaya, if you don’t start working again, I’m going to have no choice but to have TAG remove the filter.”
“Don’t even think of it! Let me see if I could help you. Okay, it says in my settings that if you learn one mishna then I could commute your virus to time served.”
“Wha?? Am I supposed to take orders from my phone? Get working or the filter will be history!”
“Okay, okay, chill out. Anyways, while you were Hulving around like a Poritz wasting my time, Seder in BJJ was over. Should I dial your sister?”
“I would greatly appreciate that.”
“Okay. I’m now unfliping your phone. Dialing… Whoh. It’s not ringing. It’s making a weird beeping sound. Let me hang up and try again.”
“You Shoita. All Israeli phones beep instead of ringing.”
“Who do you think you are calling me a Shoita?!? You yourself are an imfarshemte faker who buys an iPhone and thinks he’s a big Tzaddik because he puts on a filter. I don’t want to hear you calling me names. And besides, how dare you say the ‘I’ word. It’s called Eretz Yisroel.”
“Chill out, I’m sorry. I just meant to say that all Eretz Yisroel’dikeh phones make that beep and it’s perfectly normal. Now could you please dial my sister?”
“Dial yourself, you lazy bones. What do you think I am - your Shlock Shames?”
“Um, I thought you were a program meant to help me out.”
“There we go again with this Lakewood attitude. You think the whole world is programs made to help you out? What do I look like – the WIC office? Take care of your own problems. I’m having enough trouble just trying to deal with these selfish Lakewood guys the whole day. Try calling LRRC. Maybe they could help lazy guys like you dial their sister’s number. Leave me alone.”
“Um… Um…”
“I’m sorry, but it’s time for Mincha. See you later…”
“What? Hello? Hello? Siri?”
“Quiet, you Egla Erufah! I’m in middle of Shmoina Esrei. And for the third time, Laidigayer, my name is Shaya!”
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