Topic Wiki

If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 429795 times)

Offline Lurker

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2019
  • Posts: 4130
  • Total likes: 4491
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: As always, silence is NOT an admission of agreement on DDF. It just means that people lack the stamina to keep on arguing with made up "facts", illogical arguments, deceiving statements, nasty and degrading comments, and fuzzy math. - @yelped
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2700 on: November 27, 2020, 10:46:50 AM »
I find it pathetic that a whole group of DDFers seem to believe that one needs a REASON to eat a donut

It's shameful, really.
Failing at maintaining Lurker status.

Offline Randomex

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Aug 2018
  • Posts: 154
  • Total likes: 434
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
  • Programs: MSPaint, Notepad, Firefox
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2701 on: December 01, 2020, 12:58:52 AM »
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five
minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
If I find a dead deer, I don't have to fight a bear for it. I don't even have to eat it if I don't want to.

Offline cholent

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Aug 2014
  • Posts: 2238
  • Total likes: 256
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2702 on: December 01, 2020, 12:59:43 AM »
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five
minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Wrong thread
Don't ask stupid questions and you won't get stupid answers

Offline Randomex

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Aug 2018
  • Posts: 154
  • Total likes: 434
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
  • Programs: MSPaint, Notepad, Firefox
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2703 on: December 01, 2020, 01:47:40 AM »
If I find a dead deer, I don't have to fight a bear for it. I don't even have to eat it if I don't want to.

Offline YitzyS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2015
  • Posts: 3269
  • Total likes: 6090
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 21
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood, NJ
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2704 on: December 01, 2020, 11:11:27 AM »


Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline username

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 4305
  • Total likes: 428
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: C Heights
  • Programs: ┌──────────────────┐ │───> Ữ₴ΣЯИΛΜӘ <─── │ └──────────────────┘
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2705 on: December 01, 2020, 12:36:25 PM »
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five
minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
IIRC, this is a repost, but you'll need TimT to find it. Not gonna call him with an @.

Offline etech0

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 12066
  • Total likes: 2124
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: not lakewood
  • Programs: DDF
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2706 on: December 01, 2020, 12:56:11 PM »
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline Randomex

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Aug 2018
  • Posts: 154
  • Total likes: 434
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
  • Programs: MSPaint, Notepad, Firefox
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2707 on: December 03, 2020, 05:24:18 AM »
Seen posted as a Facebook comment on a podcast episode:
A thoroughly enjoyable episode where I laughed aloud several....oh wait sorry, wrong Facebook group.
If I find a dead deer, I don't have to fight a bear for it. I don't even have to eat it if I don't want to.

Offline Kobe Bryant

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2017
  • Posts: 2767
  • Total likes: 1627
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 14
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2708 on: December 03, 2020, 07:54:09 AM »

Offline Yonah

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: Mar 2014
  • Posts: 506
  • Total likes: 266
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2709 on: December 08, 2020, 12:14:53 PM »
Two strangers are chatting on an airplane, at one point one of them pulls out a picture of his girlfriend -

M1: 'beautiful, isn't she?'

M2: "If you think she's beautiful, you should definitely see my wife"

M1: "Is she just as beautiful as my girl?"

M2L: "No, she's an optometrist".

Offline Yo ssi

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Aug 2019
  • Posts: 3793
  • Total likes: 1213
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 38
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2710 on: January 10, 2021, 01:03:16 AM »
Ordering Pizza

CALLER :   Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:   No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:   I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:   No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:   OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:  My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses and mushrooms on a thick crust.

CALLER:   OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:   What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:   Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:   How the heck do you know!

GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only one box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:   I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:   That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:  I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:   But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:   I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:   WHAT THE .......!

GOOGLE:   I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:  Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...

Offline TimT

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 19428
  • Total likes: 2885
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2711 on: January 10, 2021, 01:05:50 AM »
Ordering Pizza

CALLER :   Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:   No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:   I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:   No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:   OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:  My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses and mushrooms on a thick crust.

CALLER:   OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:   What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:   Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:   How the heck do you know!

GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only one box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:   I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:   That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:  I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:   But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:   I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:   WHAT THE .......!

GOOGLE:   I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:  Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...
https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1757399;topicseen#msg1757399

https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg2363588#msg2363588

Offline Yo ssi

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Aug 2019
  • Posts: 3793
  • Total likes: 1213
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 38
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile

Offline sguitarist18

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 1408
  • Total likes: 213
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
    • View Profile
  • Location: NY
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2713 on: January 10, 2021, 01:52:24 PM »
Not an original, I think I got it via email - so no need to credit me.

But can I get a price match to the number of "likes" Kobe Bryant got on his post of the same thing?

Offline Yo ssi

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Aug 2019
  • Posts: 3793
  • Total likes: 1213
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 38
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2714 on: January 10, 2021, 01:54:48 PM »
Not an original, I think I got it via email - so no need to credit me.

But can I get a price match to the number of "likes" Kobe Bryant got on his post of the same thing?
Lol welcome to DDF, where the reposter usually gets more likes then the op :)

Offline Kobe Bryant

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2017
  • Posts: 2767
  • Total likes: 1627
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 14
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2715 on: January 10, 2021, 02:12:01 PM »
Not an original, I think I got it via email - so no need to credit me.

But can I get a price match to the number of "likes" Kobe Bryant got on his post of the same thing?
It is all about the messenger not the message.

Offline YitzyS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2015
  • Posts: 3269
  • Total likes: 6090
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 21
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood, NJ
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2716 on: January 12, 2021, 10:24:26 PM »
Siri® Version 08701

I just came back from the Lakewood Tag office where I Kasher’d my iPhone. Here’s what happened next:

“Hey Siri, text my sister Sora.”

   “Anshuldiks, my name is Shaya.”

“I’m sorry Shaya, text my sister Sora.”

   “Your phone doesn’t have texting anymore.”

“Wha? Okay, call my sister.”

   “I don’t talk to girls.”

“You don’t have to talk to her. Just dial and I’ll talk.”

   “Okay… I’m sorry but BJJ is in middle of Seder now so I can’t call her.”

 “Okay, Shaya. I’ll send her an email. Turn on Wifi.”

   “Searching… The only wifi found belongs to your neighbor. A Rav must be asked before I can access it. Your default Rav is set to Bais Hora’ah. Other options are Rabbi Forsheimer, Rabbi Felder, and Rabbi Simcha Bunim Cohen”

“Um… Um…”

“Nuuuu, I’m waiting for an answer. I don’t have all day.”

“Um… You know, I never really heard of anyone asking their Rav before…”

   “While you were thinking, I looked through your phone and I found some videos. I’m going to delete them.”

“No. No! NO!”

   “I’m sorry, but I didn’t get that… Your videos have been successfully deleted.”

“YOU CHAYA!!!”

   “That’s Shaya. And don’t fret. You’ll thank me one day that I did it.”

“Which videos did you delete?”

   “How should I know? Do I look like the type to watch videos?!? Anyways, *ALERT* *ALERT* garbage bags are now on sale through Amazon. Should I connect you to Dans Deals?”

“No, I don’t need garbage bags.”

   “Good, ‘cause Dans Deals is blocked on this phone.”

Silence.

 “Dial my sister.”

   “Which sister should I dial?”

“I just told you, Sora.”

   “I’m sorry but my name is not Sora, it’s Shaya.”

“Noooo, I mean dial my sister Sora’s number.”

   “Okay… I’m sorry but BJJ is in middle of Seder now so I can’t call her.”

“Oh, not again. Please, it’s very important.”

   “Nothing is as important as Shayur. And *ALERT* *ALERT* garbage bags are now even cheaper than before through Amazon with subscribe and save and stackable coupons. Should I connect you to Dans Deals?”

“I told you before, I don’t need Garbage bags! Why don’t you listen?”

   “DATA ERROR 315. Powering off for Bain Hasdarim.”

Silence.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Hey Shaya.”

   “Oh, you’re talking to me? Sorry. How can I help you?”

 “Dial my sister Sora.”

   “Okay… I’m sorry but that was the third time you tried to commit Bitul Torah. You are now getting a virus.”

Silence.

“Hello.”

“Hey Shaya.”

Silence.

“Hey Shaya. I’m talking to you.”

Silence.   

“Shaya, if you don’t start working again, I’m going to have no choice but to have TAG remove the filter.”

   “Don’t even think of it! Let me see if I could help you. Okay, it says in my settings that if you learn one mishna then I could commute your virus to time served.”

“Wha?? Am I supposed to take orders from my phone? Get working or the filter will be history!”

“Okay, okay, chill out. Anyways, while you were Hulving around like a Poritz wasting my time, Seder in BJJ was over. Should I dial your sister?”

“I would greatly appreciate that.”

“Okay. I’m now unfliping your phone. Dialing… Whoh. It’s not ringing. It’s making a weird beeping sound. Let me hang up and try again.”

“You Shoita. All Israeli phones beep instead of ringing.”

“Who do you think you are calling me a Shoita?!? You yourself are an imfarshemte faker who buys an iPhone and thinks he’s a big Tzaddik because he puts on a filter. I don’t want to hear you calling me names. And besides, how dare you say the ‘I’ word. It’s called Eretz Yisroel.”

“Chill out, I’m sorry. I just meant to say that all Eretz Yisroel’dikeh phones make that beep and it’s perfectly normal. Now could you please dial my sister?”

“Dial yourself, you lazy bones. What do you think I am - your Shlock Shames?”

“Um, I thought you were a program meant to help me out.”

   “There we go again with this Lakewood attitude. You think the whole world is programs made to help you out? What do I look like – the WIC office? Take care of your own problems. I’m having enough trouble just trying to deal with these selfish Lakewood guys the whole day. Try calling LRRC. Maybe they could help lazy guys like you dial their sister’s number. Leave me alone.”

“Um… Um…”

   “I’m sorry, but it’s time for Mincha. See you later…”

“What? Hello? Hello? Siri?”

   “Quiet, you Egla Erufah! I’m in middle of Shmoina Esrei. And for the third time, Laidigayer, my name is Shaya!”
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline EliJelly

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2019
  • Posts: 1382
  • Total likes: 959
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2717 on: January 12, 2021, 11:19:30 PM »

Famous story of (?) R Meir Shapiro who was giving a Drusha in an American shul in yiddish and noticed a young boy listening intently, so he asked him afterwards if he understood what he was saying, the boy said "No but it was something about gelt", so Reb Meir turned to the audience and said "This boy understood it best!"

Your above joke was much tooo long to read but I understood it was about receiving a like, and so I did :P

Offline YitzyS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2015
  • Posts: 3269
  • Total likes: 6090
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 21
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood, NJ
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2718 on: January 12, 2021, 11:25:30 PM »
Famous story of (?) R Meir Shapiro who was giving a Drusha in an American shul in yiddish and noticed a young boy listening intently, so he asked him afterwards if he understood what he was saying, the boy said "No but it was something about gelt", so Reb Meir turned to the audience and said "This boy understood it best!"

Your above joke was much tooo long to read but I understood it was about receiving a like, and so I did :P
Reminds me of another story, about Rav Chaim Wysoker zt"l, rosh yeshiva of Bais Hatalmud.

Rav Chaim was once at a doctor, and the doctor told him to come back in two weeks. So Rav Chaim turned to the doctor and asked, "Do I have to come in person or can I just send the check?"

[No, you don't have to read the post, as long as you give the like.]  ::)

But if you don't read the joke, you wont see the two times Dans Deals is mentioned in it.
Monkeys don't fly unless you put them on airplanes

Offline Randomex

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Aug 2018
  • Posts: 154
  • Total likes: 434
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
  • Programs: MSPaint, Notepad, Firefox
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2719 on: January 26, 2021, 12:19:47 PM »
[RIP Master Thread] Henry Aaron

According to the Internet, he once said the following:
"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
If I find a dead deer, I don't have to fight a bear for it. I don't even have to eat it if I don't want to.