Jokes Master Thread

[yuneeq]

This is the correct ending.
https://twitter.com/Geribbener/status/1455993257788383235

[Yonah]

In the gist of the joke of a man crying at a grave mourning repeatedly, "Why did you die so young, why did you die so young", when asked how he was related to the deceased man he said "He was my wife's former husband."

This is a classic Henny Youngman Joke. His famous punchline was - take my wife, please!

[YitzyS]

The Lakewood VAAD

[SuperFlyer]

Sheesh, I try to be mekayem the mitzvah of "machasheifa lo techayeh" at my kid's friend's birthday party one time and suddenly I'm being slapped with a restraining order and none of the other parents want to have anything to do with me...

[sguitarist18]

[Something Fishy]

Dilbert joke from 25 years ago:

[Something Fishy]

1994 was 25 years ago. What the heck.

[etech0]

1994 was 25 years ago.

more!

[sguitarist18]

Dilbert joke from 25 years ago:

Touche!

Now that you bring that up, I seem to remember a Dilbert with someone saying, "by Yiminy!" or something like that...

[YitzyS]

I just found a great resource of Jewish jokes! Some are famous ones, but there are tons of awesome ones I never heard before.

https://www.aish.com/j/j/a/

[YitzyS]

I just found a great resource of Jewish jokes! Some are famous ones, but there are tons of awesome ones I never heard before.

https://www.aish.com/j/j/a/

The Tijuana Touch
submitted by: Yisroel Homnick

In front of a church in Mexico City sat two beggars. The one closest to the door was bearded, and had a cup with a large Star of David. Next to him sat a clean-shaven man, holding a cup with a large cross on it.

Services over, the congregants began streaming out. The first man to leave looked at the bearded beggar with disgust, then, with an exaggerated motion, dropped a 100-peso note into the second beggar's crossed receptacle. The second person, equally irate, brushed by the bearded beggar to drop a 50-peso note into the next cup. And so it went for ten minutes.

Finally, a compassionate young priest, who had been watching from the wings, approached the bearded man with the empty cup. "Sir," he said, "Why don't you get a cup with a cross on it, like the fellow next to you? Look how much money he's getting just by having a cross on his cup!"

Whereupon the bearded beggar turned to his companion and said, "Yossele, look who's telling us how to do our business!"

[S209]

https://www.aish.com/j/j/a/

Shimon and Reuven are playing golf one day at their local golf course. Shimon is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.

Reuven says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. Shimon, you truly are a kind man."

To which Shimon replies, "Well we were married for 35 years."

[username]

The Tijuana Touch
submitted by: Yisroel Homnick

In front of a church in Mexico City sat two beggars.

Repost!

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
A priest comes by.  He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross, but none give to the beggar holding the
Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand??
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is
holding a Cross."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”

[SuperFlyer]

Repost!

I prefer mine

[lcm]

I prefer mine

And yours is the version I've previously heard

[Something Fishy]

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?








Because they were too heavy to take to the British Museum.

[yos9694]

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?








Because they were too heavy to take to the British Museum.

British people are going to be offended by that, because they don't take jokes as well as they take other countries' artifacts

[~King Lake~]

CDC says put your hand on your head.

CDC says take six steps back.

CDC says wiggle your elbows.

Touch your face.

Ahhh, CDC didn't say touch your face. You're
out!

This game is stupid.

[TimT]

This game is stupid.

Try this one
https://twitter.com/Twit_Or_Miss/status/1476389169672990720

[herb]

I just found a great resource of Jewish jokes! Some are famous ones, but there are tons of awesome ones I never heard before.

https://www.aish.com/j/j/a/

any good ones? Am I the only one who doesn't have patience going through 2000 jokes?...