Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 512402 times)

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2800 on: February 01, 2022, 01:05:33 PM »
What language is "Jewish"?

The word that a Yiddish speaker would think an 'Amerikanisher' would use to describe Yiddish

Offline VacationLover

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2801 on: February 27, 2022, 12:06:27 AM »
When Biden heard today about the Russian invasion of Ukraine:

"If I would be president today, it would never have happened"

(Besides being actually true that he said this in the past, it's a good joke as well 😆)

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2802 on: March 08, 2022, 11:07:05 AM »
The news told Zelensky’s mom that her son is a hero, a once in a lifetime leader, and asked how she raised him to instil those values.

She said “you know his brother is a doctor?”
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Offline Euclid

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2803 on: March 08, 2022, 11:34:48 AM »
The news told Zelensky’s mom that her son is a hero, a once in a lifetime leader, and asked how she raised him to instil those values.

She said “you know his brother is a doctor?”
Does @mom1000 do that too when people find out she's Dan's mother?

Online jj1000

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2804 on: March 08, 2022, 11:36:49 AM »
Does @mom1000 do that too when people find out she's Dan's mother?
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Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2805 on: March 08, 2022, 11:38:50 AM »
I'm certain that mom1000 is extremely proud that her sons help hundreds of people every single day while making an honest parnassah in the process

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2806 on: March 15, 2022, 04:47:33 PM »
Moshe and Chaim are walking in Boro Park on Purim delivering Shalach Manos. A drunk guy stumbles over to them and asks them "Rabbosai, help me out, Mordechai is the Good Guy, and Haman is the bad guy, right?" Moshe nods and answers "Yes". To which the drunk guy says - "well, then I guess I'll have another drink"

Offline chinagel

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2807 on: March 15, 2022, 07:41:51 PM »
A mafioso had a guy who spoke only Spanish as his accountant so that he wouldn't be able to overhear anything. One day he hears that the guy stole 10 million dollars from him. So he comes in with his translator and tells the translator to ask him where the money is. At first the accountant denies everything. So the boss pulls out his gun and tells the translator to ask him again. The accountant says "ok, you got me, it's buried behind the shed of my cousin's house". The boss asks the translator what the accountant said. The reply: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger".

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2808 on: March 24, 2022, 07:55:59 PM »
You know the famous story with the two brothers upon whose land the bais hamikdash was supposedly built? Rav Chaim said the story is fictitious.

https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=183830
I've heard an opposite story:
where they each use the opposite "svorah" to TAKE a little bit from each other,
and that was the hill where the Knesset was built
Small people talk about other people.
Average people talk about things
BIG PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IDEAS.

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2809 on: March 28, 2022, 11:05:22 AM »
A bunch of Bochurim were planning a road trip. They had two cars - a sedan and a coupe. They couldn't decide which car should lead, and which car should follow. One of them argued that since the coupe was sporty, it was more 'Chashuv' and should go first. Another agrued that since the sedan was bigger, and held more people, it should go first because of 'Berov am Hadras Melech'. They argued back and forth, until they ultimately agreed to have Moshe the Masmid solve their argument.

So they went to moshe and asked him - "Nu, coupe or Sedan, which should go first?" Moshe thinks for a second, and says - "It's Pashut, the Coupe should go first - Two Door, V'Shaino Two Door - Two Door Kodem!"

Offline qooldude

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2810 on: April 05, 2022, 01:25:03 AM »
Quote
We used to think that the Russian Army was second best in the world

Now we've learned that they're the second best in the Ukraine
;D ;D
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Offline sguitarist18

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2811 on: April 18, 2022, 11:38:03 AM »
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says. “Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

Offline Kobe Bryant

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2812 on: July 07, 2022, 12:25:13 PM »
1. Teaching Math In 1950...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100 

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. 

What is his profit? $____ 

 2 Teaching Math In 1970... 

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. 

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. 

What is his profit? $___ 

 3. Teaching Math In 1990... 

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. 

His cost of production is $80. 

Did he make a profit? __Yes or __No 

 4. Teaching Math In 2000...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. 

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. 

Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 

 5. Teaching Math In 2015... 

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. 

He does this so he can make a profit of $20. 

What do you think of this way of making a living? 

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

 6. Teaching Math in 2022...

Math is Racist. 

Students no longer need any math skills to go to Graduate school. 

2+2 = 4, or 22, or whatever you feel is correct. 

There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings; e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc. 

Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of the exam there are Counselors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2813 on: July 15, 2022, 04:39:12 AM »
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed little Moishie in the chair. "I have to step out," said the man. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When little Moishie’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said Moishie. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Credits: @jewishlobby

Offline dm123

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2814 on: July 16, 2022, 11:34:18 PM »
A farmer decides his horse is costing him too much money in feed, so he'll train it to live on less.

The first week he cuts a quarter of the feed out of the horses supply - and the horse performs as usual, although it looks slightly worse than usual.

So the next week the farmer cuts another quarter of the feed from the horses allotment, and although performance is slightly worse than usual, it's nothing concerning.

The week after the farmer cuts another quarter of the feed (down do just 1 quarter of the original allotment) and although performance is indeed down, it gets the job done.

The 4th week the farmer goes to the barn, sees the horse dead on the ground and cries out: "You had to go and die now, just as I'm about to teach you to live on nothing!?"

Offline Something Fishy

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2815 on: July 17, 2022, 01:25:38 AM »
1. Teaching Math In 1950...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit? $____



...........



 6. Teaching Math in 2022...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $10,000

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

How far should Brandon go?


FTFY
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Offline Dawie

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2816 on: July 19, 2022, 04:21:27 PM »
A Jewish man picked up the phone and dialed.
When a voice answered, he asked, "Mother, how are you?"
 "Fine."    Are you sure?? Of course I am sure ...
 
"Sorry, I have the wrong number."

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2817 on: July 19, 2022, 04:23:19 PM »
A Jewish man picked up the phone and dialed.
When a voice answered, he said, "Mother, I need money"
FTFY  :P

Offline lover of truth

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2818 on: July 20, 2022, 03:57:37 AM »
constinteen in russia has had it.
he goes to the town square and shouts on top of his lungs "PUTIN IS AN IDIOT"
police come arrest him and take him to court the judge then sentences him to 15 yrs in prison
constinteen asks how 15?
the jusge answers 5 yrs for insulting the president
10 yrs for revealing state secrets..

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2819 on: July 21, 2022, 12:14:07 AM »
constinteen in russia has had it.
he goes to the town square and shouts on top of his lungs "PUTIN IS AN IDIOT"
police come arrest him and take him to court the judge then sentences him to 15 yrs in prison
constinteen asks how 15?
the jusge answers 5 yrs for insulting the president
10 yrs for revealing state secrets..
Constantin: I was just kidding.
Judge: No you were not, we all know he is an idiot.