Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705132 times)

Offline meshugener

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Gooood!...
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Offline SuperFlyer

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new forms for shadchanim to be distributed:
We wash strawberries. Y / N
We stack / scrape dishes Y / N
We have a filter on our computer / faucet / air-condition // n/a
We have a generator for shabbos Y / N
We live in ....... And use/do not use the eiruv
My father attended the big asifa (if out of NY state please state where attendance took place) Y / N
My mother attended the live hook up at ........
My father is in kollel (if not please state why and copy of grandparents bank statement)
My family only uses kosher phones
I am looking for a boy who attended / father attended / family attended the asifa / (shulamis girls and YOB girls check here if a hook up attendance is fine)
My fathers rosh yeshiva was a speaker/ a vip / invited/came on his own / did not attend to the asifa
(Please state reason of absence)
I understood the yiddish/ english/both speeches

Offline good sam

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2 guys are in a box at the Rangers game:

Fan 1: Why is the seat next to you empty?

Fan 2: It was my wife's seat.  She passed away.

Fan 1: Oh, sorry man.  But couldn't you get any friends to come?

Fan 2: They're all at the funeral.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Round up from a great tweeter:

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the toaster-oven.

Me: "How do you spell HIV?" Friend: "H.I.V" Me: "Are you positive?" Friend: "Yes..... Wait No.....

 Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it."

 My teacher pointed me with her ruler and said: "at the end of this ruler there's an idiot!" I got detention for asking which end

Dear Board of Education, So are we. Sincerely, Students  **RT IF YOU AGREE**"

Mom: "Wake up!" Me: (~_~) (-_-) (°_-) ( -_°) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)"

 Female drivers: the reason people look both ways while crossing a one way street"

 I'm not stealing my neighbor's WiFi, their WiFi is trespassing into my house-
Two blondes were driving to Disney World. The sign said: "Disney World left." So they started crying and drove home

 It's a good thing not everyone has a cellphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green..

If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week & make about $1,000 a week, please contact me so we can start looking together ;)"

 It's ironic how red, white & blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you!

Yahoo got their CEO from eBay? And he wasn't quite what he said he was in his description? No irony there. Nope. None.

 To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 and 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for #4"

Fat jokes aren't funny, those people already have enough on their plate
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline PlatinumGuy

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What will be the last question ever asked?

What does this red button do
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Q274

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Man #1: so what did u get your wife for her birthday?

Man #2: well she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 4 seconds so I got her a scale

Offline madopo

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Someone said to R Avigdor Miller zt"l : Drop dead! To which he replied: That's the last thing I'll do!

Offline good sam

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Someone said to R Avigdor Miller zt"l : Drop dead! To which he replied: That's the last thing I'll do!
interesting choice of thread
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline smurf

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interesting choice of thread
true. It belongs Here

Offline meshugener

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I wonder why this card hasn't been discussed here on the forum, I found it as the best card I've ever seen.
Card benefits:
-You can get $500+ cashback each month of card membership!! (that's awesome!)
-Stylish personalised card with your image displayed on it!
-Special medical benefits when you use the card at your doctor!!
Terms:
-Limit one per household.
-Subject to approval.
-Medical benefits are subject to separate approval and may not be included in your card benefits.
 
Just my advise for better chances of approval, when you fill out the app, report a very low income.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2012, 09:02:05 PM by meshugener »
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Offline MarkS

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Old Morty had serious hearing problems for years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that miraculously allowed Morty to hear again – perfectly.

Morty went back a month later to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing function is near 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

Morty replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!

Offline This is who I am

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i do not know if this was posted yet but ........
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline good sam

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Obama's top advisers discovered that all government secrets are told at the mikvah.  All he had to do, they said, is grow a beard, learn Yiddish, and don the Hasidic garb. 

After months of preparation, Obama was ready.  He enters the mikvah, approaches an elderly Hasid, and asks confidently: Nu . . . Vos is nayis?

Without hesitation, the Hasid responds: Obama kimpt haynt
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Online jj1000

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Obama's top advisers discovered that all government secrets are told at the mikvah.  All he had to do, they said, is grow a beard, learn Yiddish, and don the Hasidic garb. 

After months of preparation, Obama was ready.  He enters the mikvah, approaches an elderly Hasid, and asks confidently: Nu . . . Vos is nayis?

Without hesitation, the Hasid responds: Obama kimpt haynt
Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
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Offline JEWDA

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Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
+10000
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Offline good sam

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Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
Oldy but a goody
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Offline Lamdan

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Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
i never heard it, and i liked it.
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Offline mclovin

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Offline SuperFlyer

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Man: Hey, is it true that your mother in law is in hospital?

Friend: Yes.

Man: Since when?

Friend: Well, in 3 weeks from now it'll be a month.

Offline SuperFlyer

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a .m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. 
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asks, "Really?

Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" 
The man replies, "That would be my wife."