Jokes Master Thread

[EliJelly]

I thought only Satmar and Bobov had name brands with generic alternatives... 

Spinka 18th
Skver BP
Visnitz BB
Visnitz Monsey
and now
Visnitz merkaz
Visnitz Monsey Monsey
Visnitz Monsey Williamsburg
Visnitz Monsey Kemisha. + Montral, BP, London, BS
You get the picture and btw, satmar doesn't go by a suffix as of now

[SuperFlyer]

Anything I can say by my sister in-laws Sheva brachos?

I'll need a little more info

[ckmk47]

Anything I can say by my sister in-laws Sheva brachos?

https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=5432.0

[herb]

I'll need a little more info

me too 😁

[Yonah]

Anything I can say by my sister in-laws Sheva brachos?

A couple of oldies:

 In Kabala it is said that each person is born with half a neshama, and that when a couple gets married, their neshamos combine. So when she gets married, the Kallah's neshama is complete, but the chosson is finished.

Most people think that we break a glass as a zecher l'chorbon, but that's not the case. We have the Chosson break the glass, so at least he can say that he once put his foot down in this marriage.

[SuperFlyer]

A couple of oldies:

 In Kabala it is said that each person is born with half a neshama, and that when a couple gets married, their neshamos combine. So when she gets married, the Kallah's neshama is complete, but the chosson is finished.

Most people think that we break a glass as a zecher l'chorbon, but that's not the case. We have the Chosson break the glass, so at least he can say that he once put his foot down in this marriage.

Not sure it will resonate with all...

[YitzyS]

In Kabala it is said that each person is born with half a neshama, and that when a couple gets married, their neshamos combine. So when she gets married, the Kallah's neshama is complete, but the chosson is finished.

You should preface this by asking, "What's the difference between the word Complete and the word Finished? Let me explain..."

[koplonko]

I thought only Satmar and Bobov had name brands with generic alternatives... 

There is only 1 satmar!!!

[Something Fishy]

I was in Cairo last week and asked my guide why the pyramids were in Egypt. He looked at me like I was insane and stammered something to the effect that this is a question nobody's ever asked him and how in the world is he supposed to answer that.

I told him that the reason is because they were too heavy to take to the British Museum.

[Something Fishy]

It worked out great, because a normal person would have answered that it's because it was the Egyptian rulers who built them. But he had just finished a whole long shpiel about aliens and microwave energy generators so he had kinda backed himself into a corner there.

[SuperFlyer]

I was in Cairo last week and asked my guide why the pyramids were in Egypt. He looked at me like I was insane and stammered something to the effect that this is a question nobody's ever asked him and how in the world is he supposed to answer that.

I told him that the reason is because they were too heavy to take to the British Museum.

Love it.

[~King Lake~]

Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door…

[~King Lake~]

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

[~King Lake~]

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!

[~King Lake~]

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF

[sguitarist18]

At a work birthday party - "Can I get Penne a la vodka, hold the penne?"

[Yonah]

In parshas bereishis it says Ki Tov on every day of creation except for Monday (Yom Sheini) - which only proves one thing - even from the beginning of time, nothing good ever happened on a Monday!

[Lurker]

In parshas bereishis it says Ki Tov on every day of creation except for Monday (Yom Sheini) - which only proves one thing - even from the beginning of time, nothing good ever happened on a Monday!

Wrong thread. Please post in Random Facts.

[mevinyavin]

[sguitarist18]

The next time you feel you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective.

I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.