Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 715162 times)

Offline bubbles

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 5082
  • Total likes: 20
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 67
    • View Profile
my psychologist shares office space with a proctologist. They can't decide whether they should call themselves odds & ends or nuts & buts

Offline txtmax4

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Dec 2009
  • Posts: 6958
  • Total likes: 12
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
בחורה קתולית חזרה לביתה בכפר נידח אירופאי, אחרי תקופה של עבודה בעיר הגדולה אצל היהודים. שאלו אותה 'נו איך זה לעבוד עם היהודים? ' ענתה: מאוד נחמד, משלמים בזמן. אבל חגים מוזרים יש להם.  יש להם חג בשם 'שבת' שבו אוכלים בסלון ומעשנים בשירותים. 'חג' בשם 'תשעה באב' מעשנים בסלון ואוכלים בשירותים,   'חג' בשם 'יום כיפור',  מעשנים ואוכלים בשירותים.
If You See Something, Say Something!!

Offline ChAiM'l

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2010
  • Posts: 1851
  • Total likes: 51
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
בחורה קתולית חזרה לביתה בכפר נידח אירופאי, אחרי תקופה של עבודה בעיר הגדולה אצל היהודים. שאלו אותה 'נו איך זה לעבוד עם היהודים? ' ענתה: מאוד נחמד, משלמים בזמן. אבל חגים מוזרים יש להם.  יש להם חג בשם 'שבת' שבו אוכלים בסלון ומעשנים בשירותים. 'חג' בשם 'תשעה באב' מעשנים בסלון ואוכלים בשירותים,   'חג' בשם 'יום כיפור',  מעשנים ואוכלים בשירותים.

I think this should be in the "Texting on Shabbos" thread ;)

Offline DH Data Recovery

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 4559
  • Total likes: 6
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 64
    • View Profile
Mark Twain on that awful German Language

Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe
these examples:
Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.

These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions.

Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
Alterthumswissenschaften.
Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen.
Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen.

Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching across
the printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape but at
the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks up
his way; ...

Offline A European

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jun 2012
  • Posts: 1519
  • Total likes: 3
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
  • Location: Germany
פרופסור איינשטיין ואשתו יצאו לכמה ימי קמפינג. בנו אוהל וישבו לאכול לאחר ארוחה דשנה איחלו זה לזה לילה טוב ופרשו לשינה.
כעבור כמה שעות  גב' איינשטיין מתעוררת ומעירה את הפרופסור. "בעלי היקר, הבט לשמיים ואמור לי, מה אתה רואה? "
"מליוני כוכבים", ענה לה הפרופסור המכובד.
"ומה זה אומר לך?" - שאלה אישתו,
איינשטיין  חשב רגע ובמאמץ להרשים את אשתו אמר :
"מבחינה אסטרונומית זה אומר שקיימים מליוני גלקסיות ופוטנציאלית - ביליוני כוכבי לכת.
מבחינה  כרונולוגית אני משער שאנו מתקרבים לשעה 3.15 אחר חצות,
מבחינה תיאולוגית  אני רואה שהקב"ה הוא כל יכול ואנחנו יצורים קטנטנים חסרי כל חשיבות,
מבחינה מטאורולוגית אני משער שמחר נועד לנו יום יפה ושמש נפלאה!
ומה זה אומר לך אשתי היקרה? "
המתינה ואמרה:
"בעלי היקר, כל יום אתה הופך ליותר ויותר אידיוט -
גנבו לנו את האוהל !!!"

מורי ורבותי, "גנבו לנו את האוהל"! זה אלפיים שנה אנו בלי אוהל מועד, בלי בית המקדש ואנו שוכחים על קיומו ונחיצותו. אנו עסוקים בכל הבלי העולם הזה, אנו מנסים לשפר את איכות חיינו ושוכחים את העיקר.
כל החיים שלנו היו נראים אחרת אילו בית המקדש כבר היה עומד על תילו. לא רק ברוחניות אלא גם בגשמיות.
פעם עבר לפני הרבי יהודי לבקשת ברכה והוא התחיל למנות לרבי כל מיני בעיות קשות שהעולם מתמודד עמם וטרגדיות שקרו לאחרונה. הרבי הגיב: הטרגדיה הגדולה ביותר היא שהיום בבוקר לא הקריבו את קרבן התמיד בבית המקדש!
אל נא נשב בחיבוק ידיים ונותיר את מלאכת הקמת המקדש לאלוקים. הרבי הקודם רבי יוסף יצחק שניאורסון היה אומר שרשימת הקללות המובאות בגמרא שאין לך יום שאין קללתו מרובה משל חבירו, מסתיימת באימרה: "אין לנו להשען אלא על אבינו שבשמיים" והסביר הרבי שגם זו מרשימת הקללות, שנשענים על אבינו שבשמיים במקום שהיינו צריכים לפעול ולהרעיש עולמות להביא את הגאולה ולבנות את בית המקדש. במהרה בימינו

Offline A European

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jun 2012
  • Posts: 1519
  • Total likes: 3
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
  • Location: Germany
Got it thru whatsApp and post it thru my android (as you can see  :D )

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 9403
  • Total likes: 438
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
One night  outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the  blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm  went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the  volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president  rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in  the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire  department that brings them out intact."

But the  roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more  fire departments had to be called in as the situation became  desperate.

As the  firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to  the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the  distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was  the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly  of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65.

To  everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all  the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without  even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the  inferno.

Outside,  the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the  middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and  effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had  extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The  grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he  was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters  personally.

The local  TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,  "What are you going to do with all that money?"

" Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the  70-year-old Fire Chief, " Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f*****  truck!"

Offline meshugener

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Feb 2012
  • Posts: 6959
  • Total likes: 62
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
  • Location: DDF
  • Programs: Amex Platinum, Chase Freedom 10X10 Exclusives, Avis Presidents Club, National Executive, Hertz 5 Star, Hilton Gold, Accor Platinum, Hyatt Platinum, Marriott Silver, SPG Gold, Club Carlson Gold
"Use your better judgement,
most of what you read on the
Internet are opinions, not facts.
Even more so, opinions stated as
facts." - Abraham Lincoln
Love me or hate me. I still love you.

Offline creditor

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2011
  • Posts: 1289
  • Total likes: 1
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
    • View Profile
"Use your better judgement,
most of what you read on the
Internet are opinions, not facts.
Even more so, opinions stated as
facts." - Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln !? ROFL
I'm just say'in©®

Offline creditor

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2011
  • Posts: 1289
  • Total likes: 1
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
    • View Profile
One night  outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the  blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm  went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the  volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president  rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in  the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire  department that brings them out intact."

But the  roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more  fire departments had to be called in as the situation became  desperate.

As the  firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to  the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the  distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was  the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly  of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65.

To  everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all  the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without  even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the  inferno.

Outside,  the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the  middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and  effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had  extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The  grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he  was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters  personally.

The local  TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,  "What are you going to do with all that money?"

" Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the  70-year-old Fire Chief, " Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f*****  truck!"
HA HA. I smell JM
I'm just say'in©®

Offline meshugener

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Feb 2012
  • Posts: 6959
  • Total likes: 62
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
  • Location: DDF
  • Programs: Amex Platinum, Chase Freedom 10X10 Exclusives, Avis Presidents Club, National Executive, Hertz 5 Star, Hilton Gold, Accor Platinum, Hyatt Platinum, Marriott Silver, SPG Gold, Club Carlson Gold
Abraham Lincoln !? ROFL
I was wondering whether its worth posting, most people aren't so observant to get the joke...
Love me or hate me. I still love you.

Offline jj1000

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 13721
  • Total likes: 6265
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 29367
    • View Profile
  • Location: The value of a forum such as this one is not in that one can post a question and receive an answer, but in that the question has most likely been asked before, and the answer is available to him that will but only use the search function.
  • Programs: 1. Search on google. 2. Search in the right board of DDF with a general word or two. 3. Read the wiki. 4. Read the thread. 5. Ask away.
I was wondering whether its worth posting, most people aren't so observant to get the joke...
Maybe it's only a weird avatar type joke.


So there's a jew named yankel who's son became a Christian. So he went to his rov.  He said "rov, my son became a Christian, what can I do? "
  The rov said, "Yankle, you'll never believe it but my son became a Christian too!".   So Yankle says "what do we do?" The rov says, "we pray to g-d."      They say to g-d, " g-d, our sons became Christians!".  G-d says, "you'll never  believe it, but...."

Disclaimer I just copy pasted from a text...
« Last Edit: July 31, 2012, 09:36:33 AM by jj1000 »
See my 5 step program to your left <--

(Real signature under my location)

Offline Cholentfresser

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Mar 2009
  • Posts: 1921
  • Total likes: 50
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Not bad.
In order to understand recursion, you first need to understand recursion.

Offline meshugener

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Feb 2012
  • Posts: 6959
  • Total likes: 62
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
  • Location: DDF
  • Programs: Amex Platinum, Chase Freedom 10X10 Exclusives, Avis Presidents Club, National Executive, Hertz 5 Star, Hilton Gold, Accor Platinum, Hyatt Platinum, Marriott Silver, SPG Gold, Club Carlson Gold
Ha ha
Love me or hate me. I still love you.

Offline Lamdan

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 754
  • Total likes: 9
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: New Jersey
I was wondering whether its worth posting, most people aren't so observant to get the joke...
I disagree, I think most people reading it, got it.
DD.com Main Site Deals 0 = DDF Loser

Offline Lamdan

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 754
  • Total likes: 9
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: New Jersey
There was a sign outside a church - "Big Money if you Convert". Yankel and Berel are walking by, Yankel decides he'll go in and make a few bucks. A half hour later Yankel comes out, Berel asks him "Nu, how much did they give you", Yankel says, "you _____ Jews, all you think about is money".
DD.com Main Site Deals 0 = DDF Loser

Offline Mikeoracle

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Aug 2008
  • Posts: 2050
  • Total likes: 68
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: NJ
Maybe it's only a weird avatar type joke.


So there's a jew named yankel who's son became a Christian. So he went to his rov.  He said "rov, my son became a Christian, what can I do? "
  The rov said, "Yankle, you'll never believe it but my son became a Christian too!".   So Yankle says "what do we do?" The rov says, "we pray to g-d."      They say to g-d, " g-d, our sons became Christians!".  G-d says, "you'll never  believe it, but...."

Disclaimer I just copy pasted from a text...
I am not sure if the below is the "mekor" for this joke, but its where i heard it first...


Offline sky121

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: May 2011
  • Posts: 11724
  • Total likes: 168
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Wasn't 100% sure where to put this but I figured here works just as well....
didn't appreciate some of these..but others were really funny and just so true!


By the Israeli humorist, Efraim Kishon (Kishont Ferenc):

Israel is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies,
but the people's headaches are caused by the neighbors
upstairs.

Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee
is already so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying
to break into the local market.

Israel is one of the few places in the world where the
sun sets into the Mediterranean Sea.

Israel is the only country in the world whose  soldiers eat
three sets of salads a day, none of which contain any
lettuce (which is not really a food), and where olives
ARE a food and even a main course in a meal, rather
than something one tosses into a martini.

Israel is the only country in the world where one is
unlikely to dig a cellar without hitting ancient
archaeological artifacts.

Israel is the only country in the world where the leading
writers in the country take buses.

Israel is the only country in the world where the graffiti
is in Hebrew.

Israel is the only country in the world that has a
National Book Week, during which almost everyone
attends a book fair and buys books.

Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss
you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over
and offer you all forms of help if you look like you
need it.

Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers
and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one
cares what rules say when an important goal can be
achieved by bending them.

Israel is the only country in the world where reservists
are bossed around and commanded by officers,
male and female, younger than their own children.

Israel is the only country in the world where "small talk"
consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.

Israel is the only country in the world where the
ultra-Orthodox Jews beat up the police and not the
other way around.

Israel is the only country in the world where inviting
someone "out for a drink" means drinking cola,
coffee or tea.

Israel is the only country in the world where bank
robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot.

Israel is one of the few countries in the world that
truly likes and admires the United States.

Israel is the only  country in the world that introduces
applications of high-tech gadgets and devices, such
as printers in banks that print out your statement on
demand, years ahead of the United States and
decades ahead of Europe.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone
on a flight gets to know one another before the plane
lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot
and all about his health or marital problems.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one
has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign
accent.

Israel is the only country in the world where people
cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because
Hebrew has never developed them.

Israel is the only country in the world where patients
visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone
strikes up conversations while waiting in lines.

Israel is the  only country in the world where people
call an attache case a "James Bond" and the "@"
sign is called a "strudel".

Israel is the only country in the world where there is
the most mysterious and mystical calm ambience in
the streets on Yom Kippur, which cannot be
explained unless you have experienced it.

Sunsets in Jerusalem are gorgeous every evening.

Israel is the only country in the world where people
read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline shmuelb

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Mar 2011
  • Posts: 769
  • Total likes: 9
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Israel
  • Programs: Amex Plat, AAdvantage, Elal Matmid, Southwest, Delta Silver Medallion Skymiles, Hertz #1 Gold 5 Star, National Emerald Club Executive.
Just heard recently;

For which birthday do they give a motorcycle?



t he l a sto ne  :o
siyag lachachma :-)

Offline MarkS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2009
  • Posts: 3855
  • Total likes: 70
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte, N.C.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony - sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.

4:15 PM - Ceremonial 'I hate America' led by Michelle Obama.
4:30 PM - Tips on "How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world" - Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM - Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar "How to have a successful career without having a job."
5:00 PM - "Great Vacations I've Taken on the Taxpayer's Dime Travel Log" - Michelle Obama.
5:30 PM – Anthony Weiner speaks on "Family Valuse" via Satellite.
5:45 PM - Tribute to All 57 States - Nancy Pelosi
6:00 PM - Sen. Harry Reid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat's
appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for
sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the
country, improve employment and to boost the economy.
8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM - "Bias in Media - How we can make it work for you" Tutorial - sponsored
by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times
9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO - Michael Moore
9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM - Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers.
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afganistan
11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies
11:15 PM - Free Gov. Blagovich rally.
11:30 PM - Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony, Nobel Prize, Olympics Gold Medal , and Latin Grammy Awards.
11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish "Obama Presiding".
12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris "He sends a thrill up my leg" Matthews
12:01 AM - Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM - Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech