Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 765736 times)

Offline Euclid

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2900 on: May 15, 2024, 03:52:05 PM »
We just knocking off Rodney Dangerfield?
no respect

Offline HudZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2901 on: May 15, 2024, 04:34:45 PM »
After I exercise, I eat 10 donuts.

Just kidding. I don't exercise
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Offline Just A Jew

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2902 on: May 15, 2024, 07:47:19 PM »
https://twitter.com/ImtiazMadmood/status/1790817536927220204

Quote
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by Hamas in Gaza.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger and fries. The reporter ate it and said, “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The Hamas leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The Hamas leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind.

The soldier went sprawling but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine, and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.

In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him,

“Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “And help you to report that I was the aggressor?"
Freedom of the press is alive at the US Mint.
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Offline HudZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2903 on: May 30, 2024, 01:31:25 AM »


Because of where this was posted, it was probably missed by many. So reposting here.
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Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2904 on: May 30, 2024, 12:34:21 PM »
Because of where this was posted, it was probably missed by many. So reposting here.

Thanks for reposting. I would never see it in that thread, as I don't go for any such things.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
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Offline HudZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2905 on: June 02, 2024, 05:29:04 PM »
Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar used to make?
Now I'm blocked.
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Offline Shulem b

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2906 on: June 02, 2024, 09:26:02 PM »

Offline HudZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2907 on: June 06, 2024, 12:39:39 AM »
What did the grape say when he got crushed?

Nothing, he just let out a little whine.
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Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2908 on: June 06, 2024, 12:51:39 AM »
What did the grape say when he got crushed?

Nothing, he just let out a little whine.
Belongs in the corny jokes thread. Such a joke needs a serious disclaimer before about it's corniness...  :-\

Offline Ver hut gazugt

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2909 on: June 06, 2024, 01:05:17 AM »
Two older men are talking one says to the other why are you so worried John.
John says my wife is really upset with me.
Why.
in the morning she asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing.
She said, but that is what you said yesterday
I said, well I’m not finished yet.

Offline ckmk47

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2910 on: June 06, 2024, 12:40:59 PM »
Two older men are talking one says to the other why are you so worried John.
John says my wife is really upset with me.
Why.
in the morning she asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing.
She said, but that is what you said yesterday
I said, well I’m not finished yet.
Husband: Honey, what's for dinner?
Wife: Nothing.
Husband: But we had that yesterday.
Wife: We had leftovers, so I thought we'd have it today.
My favorite cause: cssy.org

Offline DaasTora

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2911 on: June 06, 2024, 04:43:24 PM »
Promise you WILL laugh when reading this after finding your role model.
 NO CHEATING! I was in disbelief to find out who my role model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
 It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator 😉)

5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

6) Add the digits together
 Now Scroll down............With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

 1. Albert Einstein

2. Your principal

3. Joe biden

4. Donald Trump

5. The Rebbetzin

6. The Rebbe

7. Your mom

8. Your Dad

9. Yours truly, aka me (who just happens to be the most amazing person on earth)

10. Your older sister

I know, I know.. I just have that amazing effect on people.



P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR Favorite, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!
“Never underestimate the power of…stupidity”
- Robert Heinlein

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2912 on: June 06, 2024, 06:53:44 PM »
Promise you WILL laugh when reading this after finding your role model.
 NO CHEATING! I was in disbelief to find out who my role model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
 It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator 😉)

5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

6) Add the digits together
 Now Scroll down............With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

 1. Albert Einstein

2. Your principal

3. Joe biden

4. Donald Trump

5. The Rebbetzin

6. The Rebbe

7. Your mom

8. Your Dad

9. Yours truly, aka me (who just happens to be the most amazing person on earth)

10. Your older sister

I know, I know.. I just have that amazing effect on people.



P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR Favorite, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!
This is an analog version of the "this guy" gag.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2913 on: June 06, 2024, 07:19:06 PM »
2010 called, it wants its email forward back
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline HudZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2914 on: June 14, 2024, 11:34:20 AM »
A Cop asked me where I was between Four and Five.

He seemed to get annoyed when I answered "Kindergarten".
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Offline HudZ

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2915 on: July 03, 2024, 12:16:59 PM »
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Siri laughed.
Alexa laughed.
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Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2916 on: July 03, 2024, 12:23:45 PM »
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Siri laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2917 on: July 09, 2024, 06:15:53 PM »
Moshe was walking to shul one shabbos and was stopped by a cop for Jaywalking. He explained to the offiicer that as an orthodox Jew, he didn't have any id, nor could he carry the ticket in the street on shabbos. The officer, being very understanding, told Moshe to give him his information - including his home address - and he would mail him the ticket.

Moshe finally makes it to shul, and tells this story to his friend chaim. Chaim says - what's going to happen when the ticket comes in the mail? "I don't know," says Moshe, " but I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the Nation of Islam receives a ticket addressed to Kishi Matuchas"

Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2918 on: July 10, 2024, 10:54:35 AM »
Moshe was walking to shul one shabbos and was stopped by a cop for Jaywalking. He explained to the offiicer that as an orthodox Jew, he didn't have any id, nor could he carry the ticket in the street on shabbos. The officer, being very understanding, told Moshe to give him his information - including his home address - and he would mail him the ticket.

Moshe finally makes it to shul, and tells this story to his friend chaim. Chaim says - what's going to happen when the ticket comes in the mail? "I don't know," says Moshe, " but I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the Nation of Islam receives a ticket addressed to Kishi Matuchas"

Why does Moshe know the address for NOI?

Offline Dan

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2919 on: July 10, 2024, 11:01:16 AM »
Moshe was walking to shul one shabbos and was stopped by a cop for Jaywalking. He explained to the offiicer that as an orthodox Jew, he didn't have any id, nor could he carry the ticket in the street on shabbos. The officer, being very understanding, told Moshe to give him his information - including his home address - and he would mail him the ticket.

Moshe finally makes it to shul, and tells this story to his friend chaim. Chaim says - what's going to happen when the ticket comes in the mail? "I don't know," says Moshe, " but I'd love to be a fly on the wall when 770 receives a ticket addressed to Shmuel Munkis"
FTFM
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