Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 900435 times)

Offline Just A Jew

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Oct 2023
  • Posts: 1235
  • Total likes: 2007
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2920 on: July 11, 2024, 09:36:57 AM »
FTFM

That's not a joke. That's happened countless times.
Freedom of the press is alive at the US Mint.
- Gallagher

Offline HudZ

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2019
  • Posts: 1989
  • Total likes: 1511
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Beis Medrash
  • Programs: Torah
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2921 on: July 11, 2024, 08:29:00 PM »
I'm on 2 diets now...

I wasn't getting nearly enough food on just one.

Offline Ver hut gazugt

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jan 2021
  • Posts: 797
  • Total likes: 748
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: New york
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2922 on: July 11, 2024, 08:49:37 PM »
Three things in life one can’t have enough of, socks, money, and magna-tiles.

Offline HudZ

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2019
  • Posts: 1989
  • Total likes: 1511
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Beis Medrash
  • Programs: Torah
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2923 on: July 11, 2024, 11:56:29 PM »
Three things in life one can’t have enough of, socks, money, and magna-tiles.
Socks. Why would that be?

Offline EliJelly

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2019
  • Posts: 3922
  • Total likes: 4759
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2924 on: July 11, 2024, 11:58:11 PM »
Socks. Why would that be?

when you don't cut your toenails.

Offline etech0

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 13563
  • Total likes: 4212
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: not lakewood
  • Programs: DDF
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2925 on: July 12, 2024, 08:09:49 AM »
the good news is that money can usually buy you more socks and magnatiles
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline HudZ

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2019
  • Posts: 1989
  • Total likes: 1511
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Beis Medrash
  • Programs: Torah
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2926 on: July 16, 2024, 08:16:50 PM »
Hi, I'm Matt and I'm an alcoholic.

Uhh, sir, this is AAA you called.

I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake.

Offline HudZ

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2019
  • Posts: 1989
  • Total likes: 1511
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Beis Medrash
  • Programs: Torah
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2927 on: July 21, 2024, 07:51:22 AM »
I was walking home last night and decided to take the shortcut through the cemetery...
3 young girls walked up to me and explained they were afraid to walk past the cemetery at night.
So I gladly agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them, "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."

Never seen anyone run so fast.

Offline WayBackMachine

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Sep 2022
  • Posts: 765
  • Total likes: 565
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Job at the FBI

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

There were 3 finalists;


 

Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door

And handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions

No matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.


He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,


 

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
lol

Offline EliJelly

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2019
  • Posts: 3922
  • Total likes: 4759
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile

Offline Definitions2

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Aug 2023
  • Posts: 479
  • Total likes: 341
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
Like the story with Shlomo HaMelech
Cutting baby in half?


Offline jye

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jan 2017
  • Posts: 950
  • Total likes: 1516
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood NJ
Like the story with Shlomo HaMelech
The joke version is probably as authentic as the Otzar Hamedrashim….

Offline Alexsei

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Sep 2011
  • Posts: 6804
  • Total likes: 2570
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
    • View Profile
    • Travel & Kivrei Zadikim
  • Location: Truckistan
  • Programs: COVID-24
We have been unburdened by what has been.

Offline EliJelly

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jan 2019
  • Posts: 3922
  • Total likes: 4759
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
The source is very questionable. Many hold that it is fabricated.

Just remembered that story. Any links discussing the authenticity of these?

Offline ushdadude

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Apr 2013
  • Posts: 6735
  • Total likes: 1290
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
    • View Profile
  • Location: NY
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2935 on: July 25, 2024, 04:35:45 PM »
Banana laffy taffies are gross.


The alleged reason why artificial banana flavor doesn’t taste like the Cavendish bananas we typically buy in the grocery store is because artificial banana flavor wasn’t developed based on that variety of banana. It was developed based on a variety called the Gros Michel, or the Big Mike. This variety of banana was the standard in America until the 1950s, when a fungus essentially wiped out the Gros Michel. The milder-tasting Cavendish replaced the Gros Michel as our go-to banana.

Offline Randomex

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: Aug 2018
  • Posts: 533
  • Total likes: 1009
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
  • Programs: MSPaint, Notepad, Firefox, VLC Media Player - Old sig quote was found in Reb Mendel and His Wisdom
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2936 on: July 31, 2024, 01:08:23 PM »
Does anyone here know the one about a bottle of vodka in a hotel room (as mentioned here)?
"Any word can mean anything! By giving words new meanings, ordinary English can become an exclusionary code!" -Cal.&Hob.

Offline HudZ

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2019
  • Posts: 1989
  • Total likes: 1511
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Beis Medrash
  • Programs: Torah
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2937 on: August 07, 2024, 06:01:02 PM »
It must be tense working at an unemployment office. Knowing, that if you get fired, you have to come back to the office the next day.

Online mevinyavin

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Sep 2022
  • Posts: 3229
  • Total likes: 3939
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
    • Laptop help/deal request template
  • Location: Yerushalayim
  • Programs: Windows 10 and 11 Home, Word/Excel/Publisher 2021, Wordweb, McGill English Dictionary of Rhyme, VLC, Torat Emet, 7-Zip, Lightshot, Calibre, FDM, FreeFileSync, Teracopy, Handbrake, Lightshot
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2938 on: August 08, 2024, 03:55:00 AM »
Fellow is at the circus and they announce "the world's oldest strongman - 78 years old!" Guy walks out carrying a stool and a concrete beam. He places the beam lengthwise on the stool, winds up and cracks the beam in half, bows and walks out.

Ten years later, the fellow is back, when he is surprised to hear them announce "the world's oldest strongman - 88 years old!" The same fellow, looking a bit worse for wear, comes out carrying a stool and a watermelon. He places the watermelon on the stool, winds up and smash! Pieces of watermelon end up all over the room. The watcher turns to the guy next to him and comments, "I guess they all get old sometime... Kind of sad..."
"Yeah," the other fellow agrees. "Pity what happened to his eyesight. Last week he took out the handyman's duffle bag, and people got hurt!"
Quote from: ExGingi
Echo chambers are boring and don't contribute much to deeper thinking and understanding!

Online yungermanchik

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Nov 2018
  • Posts: 3127
  • Total likes: 2626
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: Previous Signatures: If you chapped hana'ah from a post, like it; You think you know the answers and things are the way they seem.. it just ain't so -The Rebbe from Lublin-
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2939 on: August 11, 2024, 08:16:21 PM »
The Meaning of Life
aish.com/118981599/
March 31, 2011

God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Small people talk about other people.
Average people talk about things
BIG PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IDEAS.