Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704939 times)

Offline meshugener

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I bet Jewda is sleeping.
Love me or hate me. I still love you.

Offline shmuelb

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2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte, N.C.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony - sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.

Is this the real schedule or a parody?  ::)
siyag lachachma :-)

Offline MarkS

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Is this the real schedule or a parody?  ::)
I'll let you guess.

Hint: Look at the title of the thread I posted it in ;)

Offline shmuelb

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I was being sarcastic,  :o like, that would probably be not too far from the truth.
siyag lachachma :-)

Offline JEWDA

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2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte, N.C.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony - sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.

4:15 PM - Ceremonial 'I hate America' led by Michelle Obama.
4:30 PM - Tips on "How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world" - Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM - Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar "How to have a successful career without having a job."
5:00 PM - "Great Vacations I've Taken on the Taxpayer's Dime Travel Log" - Michelle Obama.
5:30 PM – Anthony Weiner speaks on "Family Valuse" via Satellite.
5:45 PM - Tribute to All 57 States - Nancy Pelosi
6:00 PM - Sen. Harry Reid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat's
appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for
sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the
country, improve employment and to boost the economy.
8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM - "Bias in Media - How we can make it work for you" Tutorial - sponsored
by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times
9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO - Michael Moore
9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM - Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers.
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afganistan
11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies
11:15 PM - Free Gov. Blagovich rally.
11:30 PM - Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony, Nobel Prize, Olympics Gold Medal , and Latin Grammy Awards.
11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish "Obama Presiding".
12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris "He sends a thrill up my leg" Matthews
12:01 AM - Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM - Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech
I bet Jewda is sleeping.
Yup, I was
REPOST!!!
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Offline MarkS

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Yup, I was
REPOST!!!
Actually, my version is a drop different - which is why searching for some of the words in my post didn't turn up that other (similar) post!

If you look in Hilchos Repost siman @%$^ there is a teshuva that addresses this issue and although lichatchila it's assur to post, once it's posted you're not allowed to call it a repost!

Offline JEWDA

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Actually, my version is a drop different - which is why searching for some of the words in my post didn't turn up that other (similar) post!

If you look in Hilchos Repost siman @%$^ there is a teshuva that addresses this issue and although lichatchila it's assur to post, once it's posted you're not allowed to call it a repost!
Ok I'll give you a break this time... ;)
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Offline L'Chaim

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Ok I'll give you a break this time... ;)
Wow, there's is actually a way to crack Jewda:P

Offline JEWDA

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Wow, there's is actually a way to crack Jewda:P
Only in JS
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Offline SuperFlyer

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NO NURSING HOME FOR US!!
 
 
No nursing home for us.  We ' ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I ' ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it ' s £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day you ' ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There ' s a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you ' re at the airport, fly somewhere.  Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you ' re not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland ?  They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they ' ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

                         And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

 The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I ' ll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!

   To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS   
ARE THE NATION ' S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING  AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL  AIDS 

WALKING AIDS   

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT  AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,   

MONETARY  AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not  forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

Offline creditor

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NO NURSING HOME FOR US!!
 
 
No nursing home for us.  We ' ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I ' ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it ' s £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day you ' ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There ' s a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you ' re at the airport, fly somewhere.  Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you ' re not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland ?  They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they ' ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

                         And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

 The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I ' ll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!

   To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS   
ARE THE NATION ' S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING  AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL  AIDS 

WALKING AIDS   

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT  AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,   

MONETARY  AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not  forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
ROFLMDO!
@SF, do you really wanna burn it with HelpMe ? [the only senior dff'er, I'm aware of]
I'm just say'in©®

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Ok, the shvarzes need some attention too:

A brisker, with his thoughts deep in the "kvetshen", walks into the "wrong" neighborhood.

A shvartze points his gun at the briske, and says: I'm gonna kill you right now !
So the brisker closes his eyes, and starts reciting (in the brisk "shma" manner): Boruch ato atto atto.....ho'oy-ho-oylom-ho'oyylommm, lo'mus-lomuss al kidush hashem!
the shvartze sees that his is dealing with a whacko, decides to spare the guy, and walks off.
At the end of the brocho the brisker opens his eyes, and see the shvartze walking away, so he screams at him: Nuuuu, hefsek !
On a similar note, a guy leaves his chavruse to the restroom and comes back a few hours later. When the chavrusa asks where he ways, 'he waited for shiur asher yatzor'
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline SuperFlyer

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Offline Chaikel

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
like!
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Offline WhyAich

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Offline SamDaMan

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Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get very sad and hug them tight because I know life is really, really tough for the visually impaired. ;)
But I'm still proud to be from clev!

Offline A European

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Offline rots5

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

amazing!  ;D
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Offline txtmax4

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Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get very sad and hug them tight because I know life is really, really tough for the visually impaired. ;)
Pass the corn :)
If You See Something, Say Something!!

Offline SamDaMan

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Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly.
But I'm still proud to be from clev!