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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 354958 times)

Offline SuperFlyer

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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply," For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply," For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

 ;D

Offline Avid Reader

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Offline yeshivaman

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My mother-in-law came to visit us in our cabin up in the mountains. One day she calls out,"Yankel, it's such a beautiful place you have here! I'm looking out the window & right here I see a deer!". I looked over & told her, "Shvigger, you're making 2 mistakes. First of all, that's not a deer, it's a cow. And second, that's not a window, its a mirror!!!"
i wish i knew what i was doing...

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A guy looking from his window sees to his bewilderment his mother in law that lives abroad, getting out of a taxi, with some 10 suitcases shlepping to his front door.

Soon enough he hears the bell, and goes to open the door, and says:"Shvigger! For how long did you come?"

Shvigger:"for as long as you want!"

Guy:"well, won't you at least come in and have a coffee?"

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???When asked by a  patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating: 
"Yes , but ... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

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So I was at the worldcup in south africa and though I had a good seat, I noticed the seat in front me remained open and that seat was really better than mine. So I tapped the guy next to the open seat on the shoulder and said 'excuse me, is that seat next to u free by any chance?' 'Sure he said...its actually my wife's seat...we used to go to all the games together since 1970....but she died!' 'Oh I'm so sorry for ur loss' I said. 'But after all its the world cup...couldn't u find any friend or family of urs that would want to come with u today?'
Oh, no not really' he said....'They are all at her funeral!'

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Not bad.

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When Insults Had Class...


These glorious Insults are

from an era before

the English language

got boiled down to "four letter" words.



The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;

I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if... you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if... there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;

others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts: for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Offline SuperFlyer

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What does tisha bav and bein hazmanim have in common?


Tefilin by mincha, no learning, and movies all day.

Offline ChAiM'l

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By us it was the other way round... Bein hazmanim we behaved... ;)

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Ahmed came to Sydney from Pakistan, and he was only there a few months when he became very Ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help Him. Finally, he went to a Paki doctor, who said, ‘Take dees bocket, go into de odderr rroom, shift in de bocket, piss on de shift, and den put yourr head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes forr ten minutes.’

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shift in the bucket, pissed on the shift, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the Doctor he said, ‘It vorrked. I feel verry terrific! What was wrrong vith me?’

The doctor said, ‘You vere homesick.

Offline YOSEF

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After chatzos today, music, laundry, shaving, eating meat etc are all permissible.
However, some are machmir to wait until elul for limud hatorah.

Offline zalman123

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Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?”

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?”