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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 458621 times)

Offline Moishebatchy

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In honor of today's holiday... enjoy!



A Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from reindeer to elves, is fine. I've been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that, come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones


---------------------------------------------

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine and send their thanks to you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can play with outside.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus


---------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract set by you, I'm confident that you can see your way clear to granting me my simple request. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Plus, isn't a jibe about my weight rather trite, coming from an overweight man who only goes outside once a year?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones


---------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Jones,

While I acknowledge you meet the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way a guarantee of services provided? Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right, but know that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than pleased to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise to which I alluded will not only improve your health, but also your social skills and potentially your complexion, which most days looks like the bottom of a Burger King fry bin.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus


---------------------------------------------

Look here, Fat Man:

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I tried to be polite but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my buds. We'll be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone


---------------------------------------------

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously? You think a dude who can break into every house in the world in one night without getting caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? Remember that "sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake" stuff? I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and I see ways to hurt people that, if I described them right now, you'd throw up your pizza rolls all over your Mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still gonna stop by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy


---------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy


---------------------------------------------

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little sh*t!

Santa

Offline Mimi K.

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In honor of today's holiday... enjoy!

not bad
Check this one Timmy
Delta Ebonics Commercial
Rated R for Language & references!  :o
Listener discretion is advised!  :-X
Its an old one but worth listening again!  8) 8)
« Last Edit: December 25, 2012, 11:33:20 AM by Mimi K. »
"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Free Stuff!" 8)

Offline PlatinumGuy

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Build a man a fire, keep him warn for a night.
Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

My wife keeps complaining I don't listen to her...or something like that.

A geek teaching at school:
"Suppose we have 1000 apples. Or let's take a round number... Suppose we have 1024 apples."

A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar...or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church

Bill Gates walks into a bar ...
and everyone inside becomes a millionaire, ...
on average.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2012, 11:41:08 PM by PlatinumGuy »
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline PlatinumGuy

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A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2012, 11:40:57 PM by PlatinumGuy »
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Cholentfresser

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let's try to keep this a little cleaner, please.
In order to understand recursion, you first need to understand recursion.

Offline smurf

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Build a man a fire, keep him warn for a night.
Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

My wife keeps complaining I don't listen to her...or something like that.

A geek teaching at school:
"Suppose we have 1000 apples. Or let's take a round number... Suppose we have 1024 apples."

A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar...or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church

Bill Gates walks into a bar ...
and everyone inside becomes a millionaire, ...
on average.
I like the ones you added

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline elikay

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Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
Ze kara im yehudim vegoyim ani lo kotev beivrit kdei she"azor li" lo yuchal lehavin im GT :) .

Offline PlatinumGuy

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A million guys walk in to a Silicon Valley bar.  None of them buy anything.  The bar is declared a rousing success.
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Saver2000

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Ze kara im yehudim vegoyim ani lo kotev beivrit kdei she"azor li" lo yuchal lehavin im GT :) .
Lol

Offline SuperFlyer

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@ elikay: like !

Offline DrDanny

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A million guys walk in to a Silicon Valley bar.  None of them buy anything.  The bar is declared a rousing success.
Like

Offline Mimi K.

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@ elikay: like !
Google Translate could not make any sense of it.
I tried! ;D  lol
"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Free Stuff!" 8)

Offline elikay

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Offline DrDanny

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People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S

Offline Dan

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ALOL!
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline elikay

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People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S
:D :D :D

Offline Chaikel

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People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S
ROFL!!
Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline mmermss

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I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was
because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million
unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons;
half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
 
 
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline Moshe123

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People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S
8)