Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 522606 times)

Offline SuperFlyer

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Top 40 Thoughts that Run Through your Head on a Bad Date


40. The bright side is at least ive done chesed for the week. And next week.

39. Don't you dare order the steak

38. Nod and smile, nod and smile...maybe he/she has a good-looking friend

37. Did she actually say he was "Cute"??..... try "bald"

36. Is this waiter/waitress single?

34. This is way beyond "not shayich"

33. "Who let the dogs out" Tune repeatedly running through your mind

32. Please not Dougies- I don't think I can handle seeing every Jewish person I know again

31. This shadchan has some serious serious issues

30. Hmmm, should it be "feeling sick" or "family emergency" this time?

29. I can't believe I bought a new "Date" outfit for this!

28. Who knew that my roommate's mom's coworker's penpal had no idea what I'm looking for?

27. Anything else that will distract you from his/her monologue about favorite hand lotions

26. Briefly reviewing your "Top Ten Excuses to End a Bad Date" list

25. Wondering why the waiter wont take pity and just spill something on you

24. Deciding what to order that will give you the worst possible breath

23. Coming to the conclusion that if your shadchan deserves a gift for finding your perfect companion, he/she deserves the bill for setting you up with the exact opposite.

22. OK, the pocket Kahati is one thing but didn't anyone tell this guy not to wear his pocket protector on the date?

21. Not even her father can afford to get me on a second date.

20. I think I saw a window in the bathroom.

19. OK, how can I look at my watch without making it look like I'm looking at my watch? Aww, the heck with it...it's 8:37.

18. Shoot, she/he just caught me closing my eyes.

17. Never go out with someone you meet in a pet lovers online chat room

16.What time does Friends start?

15. What would McGyver do in this situation

14."There are more fish in the sea"...hit repeat, repeat

13.Please God make me a bird so I can fly far far away

12. How many halapinio peppers does it take to make me sick enough to leave

11. This would make a great romance novel. Man finds love during bad date. Keep your eyes open

10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl

9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know

8. That's so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.

7. I now realize that "being set up" can mean two different things.

6. I'll just spell "help" out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.

5. I miss work.

4. Yisurin shel ahava... Yisurin shel ahava

3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?

2. This girl/guy puts the "uch" in shidduch.

1. I will never ever trust my mother again

Offline Avid Reader

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Offline avi2018

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Why was the Kosciuszko bridge named after a pollack?

It was supposed to be a tunnel...
heard this one about the pulaski skyway

Offline MOSES

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heard this one about the pulaski skyway
they both go over the same body of water...

Offline yeshivaman

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I called continental & the rep was helpful!
i wish i knew what i was doing...

Offline Dan

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I called United and the rep spoke English  ::)
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline SuperFlyer

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I called US Airways and they picked up.

Offline Chaikel

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I called US Airways and they picked up.
Gotta use a silver number. I've never waited more than 60 seconds
Create professional looking itineraries.
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Offline Dan

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Gotta use a silver number. I've never waited more than 60 seconds
Care to share? Do they verify Silver status before connecting you to an agent like CO does?
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline Chaikel

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The automated thing asks you for your DM number, after you put it in it says "Thank you for calling DM Silver line" or something like that. I always get a US rep in under a minute, and they have no clue what my number is, I can give them any number. I've never given them a regular number, so I don't know if they'll say "Hey! You're not Silver"
Create professional looking itineraries.
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Offline beej

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A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap!!"

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Offline Avid Reader

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So this guy is chatting with a supervisor at Macy's and says I see so many Jewish people shopping here, I think you would make a ton of money selling Esrogim to them. The Supervisor says we actually did that one year and it was a huge hit because they all sold out, but apparently there was something wrong with the Esrogim because 2 weeks later they were all returned...

(Anyone buying their Arba minim on a Starwood...? Just kidding )

Offline Dan

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(Anyone buying their Arba minim on a Starwood...? Just kidding )
Hmm...that ain't no joke!  The examiner definitely won't be laughing when he gets a $100 lemon sent back!
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline Avid Reader

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From the makers of the Pop-Up Sukkah:

Does constipation from eating all that Matza on Pesach ruin your holiday? With our new Kosher-Lepesach laxetive you wont even remember you ate Matza. It's called "let my people go".

Offline Avid Reader

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Hmm...that ain't no joke!  The examiner definitely won't be laughing when he gets a $100 lemon sent back!

Are perishables excluded from Return protection? If not they may decide to exclude them very soon...

But seriously, this would get pretty complicated Halachikly.


Offline Dan

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Are perishables excluded from Return protection?
Yes.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline aussiebochur

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Are perishables excluded from Return protection? If not they may decide to exclude them very soon...

But seriously, this would get pretty complicated Halachikly.

How could this be worse then "matana al mnas l'hachzer"?

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How could this be worse then "matana al mnas l'hachzer"?

More on the lines of "esrog hagozul" e.i. Is it genieva to buy something and use it, when you had in mind to return it to begin with. Even if not geneiva, it may be considered like you never bought it, so it was never yours and you were not yotze the mitzva.

Offline aussiebochur

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More on the lines of "esrog hagozul" e.i. Is it genieva to buy something and use it, when you had in mind to return it to begin with. Even if not geneiva, it may be considered like you never bought it, so it was never yours and you were not yotze the mitzva.
My point was that even though you know you're giving it back, at the time you have its yours.

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My point was that even though you know you're giving it back, at the time you have its yours.


I see what you mean.

Something slightly related and may give another perspective on this:

A while ago I was reading a kovets on preparations for marriage and the author had some sound advice on buying the kidushin ring.
1) The ring you are mekadesh with has to be bought with the Chosson's own money, not borrowed or bought for him, or there can be a question on the whole Kidushin.
2) Don't buy it on a credit card since it may technically not belong to you until you pay the bill.
3) If you did buy it on a CC, pay the bill right away.

The guy that wrote this is not a Rav AFAIK but it certainly makes sense.