Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704846 times)

Offline world2see

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Jul 2010
  • Posts: 453
  • Total likes: 1
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: israel
 :)

Offline sky121

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: May 2011
  • Posts: 11513
  • Total likes: 168
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son David's barmitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a barmitzvah safari. Surely no one has ever done THAT before!

So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my David to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”

Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two barmitzvah safaris ahead of us.”

This jokes funnier when you listen to it.
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline yuneeq

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jan 2013
  • Posts: 8611
  • Total likes: 3999
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: NJ
One of my faves ;D

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling about their adventures on the seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I were swept overboard headed for Davy Jones' Locker. Just as me men were pullin' me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

The pirate went on, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off.”

"Incredible!" said the sailor. "And how did you get the eye patch?"

“Arrr. That were from a seagull dropping fell into me bloody eye,” replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Shiver me timbers!" said the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook..."
Visibly Jewish

Offline good sam

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 3340
  • Total likes: 558
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
    • View Profile
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son David's barmitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a barmitzvah safari. Surely no one has ever done THAT before!

So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my David to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”

Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two barmitzvah safaris ahead of us.”
From that old tape "You don't have to be Jewish."  A classic.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline mmermss

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 4027
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: Israel
Any good Sheva brachos jokes?
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline good sam

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 3340
  • Total likes: 558
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
    • View Profile
A screwdriver walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at him quizzically.

The screwdriver asks "What's the matter?"

The bartender replies "You know, we have a drink named after you"

"You have a drink named Steve?"
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline good sam

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 3340
  • Total likes: 558
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
    • View Profile
(First time a Reader's Digest joke made me laugh)

The other two people, the ones who yelled "its a bird," "its a plane," what were they so worked up about?
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline sky121

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: May 2011
  • Posts: 11513
  • Total likes: 168
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Does anyone remember the joke with the guy writing the telegram who keeps removing words that aren't needed?

Can't find it.
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline Achas Veachas

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 4399
  • Total likes: 114
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
    • Torah && Tech
Here it is:
Quote
I took out the redundant parts ;D

Offline sky121

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: May 2011
  • Posts: 11513
  • Total likes: 168
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Here it is:
Quote
I took out the redundant parts ;D


Lol
I guess I was asking for that.
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline yuneeq

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jan 2013
  • Posts: 8611
  • Total likes: 3999
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: NJ
Does anyone remember the joke with the guy writing the telegram who keeps removing words that aren't needed?

Can't find it.

Really thought that was supposed to be the actual joke.
And I think you're asking about the comfordabul joke. 
Visibly Jewish

Offline elizmm

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 419
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
    • 404 - Page not found
  • Location: Loading.... 2 out of 7 Complete
Heard this recently, instead of writing it up myself I used the lazy man's trusted helper - google, and found it nicely written up.



A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replies, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replies, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."
It is all from Hashem and he will continue to give!

Offline Moishebatchy

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 7278
  • Total likes: 150
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 23
    • View Profile
  • Location: Jerusalem
  • Programs: Arzei Makolet Platinum, Yossi's Makolet Silver, Yesh! Gold, Rav Kav Dirt
Does anyone remember the joke with the guy writing the telegram who keeps removing words that aren't needed?

Can't find it.

I remember it... but in Yiddish.  :-\

Offline mmermss

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 4027
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: Israel
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline sky121

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: May 2011
  • Posts: 11513
  • Total likes: 168
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 12
    • View Profile
Really thought that was supposed to be the actual joke.
And I think you're asking about the comfordabul joke.

No, not that one.
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline good sam

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 3340
  • Total likes: 558
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
    • View Profile
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline mmermss

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 4027
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: Israel
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline DrDanny

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Feb 2012
  • Posts: 1170
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: Detroit/NewYork/PalmBeach
Mike is a 30 year old successful investor. He goes out and buys a brand new Lamborghini for his birthday. He stays up all night and at 4 in the morning he gets on the freeway near his home to try out his new toy. He takes her up to 180mph enjoying the thrill of the immense power under the hood. Suddenly, he passes a cop who flicks on his lights and gives chase. Mike obediently slows down and pulls onto the shoulder. The cop gets out and comes over to his window. He gives Mike a dirty look and says, "clearly we both know why I pulled you over." Mike smiles at him and calmly says, "ye, because I let you"
;D

Offline rots5

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 7996
  • Total likes: 27
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 17
    • View Profile
    • Custom Cakes for Every Occassion
  • Location: Monsey
Mike is a 30 year old successful investor. He goes out and buys a brand new Lamborghini for his birthday. He stays up all night and at 4 in the morning he gets on the freeway near his home to try out his new toy. He takes her up to 180mph enjoying the thrill of the immense power under the hood. Suddenly, he passes a cop who flicks on his lights and gives chase. Mike obediently slows down and pulls onto the shoulder. The cop gets out and comes over to his window. He gives Mike a dirty look and says, "clearly we both know why I pulled you over." Mike smiles at him and calmly says, "ye, because I let you"
;D
lol!!
If you have any questions please search and then ask. PM me for detailed help.

Offline Moishebatchy

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 7278
  • Total likes: 150
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 23
    • View Profile
  • Location: Jerusalem
  • Programs: Arzei Makolet Platinum, Yossi's Makolet Silver, Yesh! Gold, Rav Kav Dirt
WARNING: Dyslexic zombie on the loose. All persons named "Brian" are warned to proceed with extreme caution...